All I see are bright lights and I hear nothing but my rasping breath as I try to calm my nerves and focus my brain. Inside my head I am screaming, "Kick, bite, punch do something...anything just do it now. It's gonna be too late." As I feel the pressure of my rolling partner weighing down on me the panic grows and my movements start becoming frantic. Then I remember my coach's words, "Quiet your face, quiet your mind. Feel the tension in your partner's body and wait for the moment when their muscles reach a breaking point. Every muscle has a breaking point and when it is reached you will feel the release of tension in their body, in that moment you make your move." "Quiet Laura, be quiet, breathe.", I tell myself and force my body to be still and wait. As I groped my partner I focused on her energy. Where was she moving? What was she planning next? Focus Laura...be quiet. Then all at once I felt it. For one split second her body relaxed. It was so small and quick, but it was there, she was at a breaking point! "Move Now!!", I yelled at myself and with every ounce of energy left in me I rotated my hip up and to the left to throw her off of me and gain a better position.
Well, maybe it would have worked if it was my seventeenth class instead of my second and I actually knew how to move effectively. Unfortunately for me in this instance I moved just enough to give me an extra ten seconds of rolling before I was caught in a choke hold and forced to tap out. But I had felt the breaking point. I had connected with another person's energy more closely than ever before in my life, a perfect connection between two individual beings. I may not have known how to move or what to do with it, but I was able to still myself enough and focus on my attacker without feeling terror. It didn't win me anything but it was an awesome start.
That night as I reviewed the evenings lessons in my mind I marveled at the ability to connect with another human being in such a raw way. To be close enough that you know the precise moment when they can handle no more strain. As I reveled in my moment of clarity within the chaos of a training roll I wondered what it would be like if I was connected with God that closely. How amazing would it be if I were still enough in my heart and mind to have a perfect connection with Him?
The sad part is He always has that with me, why do I find it so difficult to reciprocate? How many times has the Lord watched as I struggle with some human trial? He is with me so closely and so constantly, waiting for that moment when I finally reach it.....my breaking point. At the moment when I collapse from the exhaustion of a struggle I am attempting to win alone, He steps in and brings relief. As soon as I am still enough to seek His guidance He lets me feel His strength and wisdom. He tells me to be quiet, to wait for the right moment to move. Then, because it's no longer my own wisdom guiding me, He shows me what to do and how to move. I never tap out of life's struggles when I connect with Him.
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