On the Lies of Walt Disney and Nicholas Sparks

          Here is my one and only caveat on this post: these are my personal opinions formed by my individual observations and reflect only my perception of things.  I will not apologize for my individual observations nor will I dispute your right to have other observations.  I am not postulating that I possess any wisdom on these matters, they are merely my musings and I expect no one to change their lives over my personal thoughts.

          I have considered for much time the possibility of writing a post of this nature.  I have always hesitated because I am not sure how I want to shape it yet and because I (who have only had two dating relationships in my nearly thirty-five years of life) feel like it's too easy for someone to pass over what I am saying as baseless.  I have not 'found' the 'love of my life' so how could I possibly know anything about a relationship like that?  How could I have any relationship wisdom to offer someone?  If you doubt my ability to offer any perspective...feel free to stop reading.

          While talking with a co-worker today we began to discuss relationships and I pointed out a couple things that I have observed and experienced through the years.  I was surprised when she became very quiet and told me that she was so glad we were talking about this because my comments had given her a new perspective and she had to consider what I had said.  I was partially surprised that she was taking my observations with careful introspection, but also that these concepts which seem so obvious to me may not really be obvious at all.

          All of that being said here are a single, thirty-four year old, healed broken heart, dating rarely to never woman's observations on love and relationships.

• If you cling to a preconceived notion of what the perfect relationship is supposed to look like, you will be disappointed in any relationship that you have. 

• We all have preconceived ideas of what 'true love' is supposed to look and feel like.  They are created from watching the relationships around us, reading novels, watching television and movies that depict a great and timeless romance.  It's normal to form an idea of something that you would like to possess and imagining what you think it will be like.  The problem comes in when we cling so strongly to that preconceived notion that we cannot reconcile reality to the dream.  Have you ever heard the term 'in love with being in love'?  These are those people.  They have created an ideal that is so perfect they cannot accept any variation of that idea and therefore any relationship that does not fit perfectly into this picture cannot be 'true love'.  Relationships are only as perfect as the people in them therefore 'true love' is accepting that the person you have chosen may not meet your ideals every day for the rest of your life.  And the real shocker?  You probably won't meet theirs either.

• Whether you realize it or not, you DO have a preconceived notion of what 'true love' looks and feels like.  
• Don't believe me?  Picture the perfect evening with the perfect mate.  What does he/she look like, smell like, what does his/her laughter sound like, is he/she talkative or quiet, what do you like to do together?  If you honestly know the answer any of these questions, you have an ideal.  That's cool.  Just don't let that ideal destroy what may be a real loving relationship.
• If you spend all day/all night messaging or talking to someone and sharing your joys, fears, anger, tears with them...I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are in an intimate relationship with them.
• We have this ignorant concept that if we say we are not in a relationship with someone that means we are not, even if our actions say otherwise.  Consider who you speak to all day and night at any hour and that person always responds immediately without fail.  They never are showering, sleeping, working or out to eat when you are wanting to talk.  My mother carried me in her body for nine months and gave birth to me...she is not even available 100% of the time.  She tries to be, but life sometimes sneaks in and I have to wait for a response or a call back.  I know there are times when we are not ready to admit we have fallen into an intimate interaction with someone, that we feel anxious if they don't immediately respond and mildly elated when they do.  But the fact of the matter is the only time you have an immediate and constant interaction with another human being is when you are in an intimate dating relationship with them.  Especially if you are sharing the private highs and lows of your day with them.

• Walt Disney's 'happily ever after' ending with no imperfections created a lie that has  distorted the reality of being happy in a relationship.
• For as long as we are on this earth we can experience sadness, trials, loss, joy, hope, pain and love (among a host of other emotions).  To expect 'happily ever after' to include no growing pains or irritation or sorrow is to expect real life to be perfect.  It is not.  When we were children and watched Walt Disney cartoons we saw the knight on a shining horse (or worse, the rouge who for love fundamentally changed his entire character) swoop in and save the princess from a fate worse than death.  After which they immediately knew they were meant to be together and they lived 'happily ever after'.  What Walt never bothered to show us is that 'happily ever after' includes screaming children and endless diapers, laundry and dishes, waking up after three hours of sleep to stumble like a zombie to work an overtime shift to make enough extra money to cover a bigger mortgage because you have grown out of your tiny home.  'Happily ever after' doesn't always look happy, sometimes it looks like torture.  What Walt never explained is that it's possible to be happy in pure misery because you choose to love the person who is trudging through that misery with you.

•             Why does any of that matter? Let's consider this for a moment. If I grew up watching my favorite princess cartoons and created this longing for someone to swoop in and 'rescue' me from any real or perceived wrongs in my life, assuming all the while that as soon as this person comes and pulls me out of my current life into 'happily ever after' all of my concerns will disappear and we will ride off into the sunset perfectly happy for rest of our lives...what will I think when real life sets in and 'happily ever after' feels like misery in the moment? Might it be reasonable for me to assume that I was swept up by the wrong knight? If I could just get out of this situation and find the 'right' person... he would certainly save me and we could be 'happy ever after'.

• The only sure thing in a relationship is that you are both fallible human beings and at some point in that relationship you will end up hurting and disappointing each other.
• You cannot expect perfection in another person any more than they can expect it in you.  We all fail and we will all fail each other at some point in time.  And yet, when it comes to our most intimate relationships we somehow think they should never fail us or hurt us.  This is not meant to spread doom and gloom, it is meant to make you more aware of the facts.  It's not about if someone fails you, its about when they fail you will you have enough love and grace to forgive them?  Better yet, when you fail them...will they have enough love and grace to cover your failures?  Can the two of you together build a love that is strong enough to recover from even the deepest wounds you could imagine?  If you step into that relationship expecting the other person to never fail you...you have given them an impossible task and you have already failed them.  This is not to say you should just ignore or accept another persons flaws, it's to say you should be prepared for the possibility of failures and to work through them together whenever possible.

• Nicholas Sparks does not write about monumental love stories that changed time and space, if you knew those people (and you probably know some version of them) you would be exhausted by their drama.
• Look at the real love stories that stand the test of time and trials.  Are they built on the constant cycle of  I love you , I hate you, you hurt me, I cant live without you, get away from me etc.?  Or are they instead built on a steady foundation of knowledge, acceptance and grace?  I am not saying those true love stories don't have moments of drama or flashes of desire, but they probably weren't in a constant cycle of drama and desire.  It's not a sustainable cycle.  Humans become emotionally drained and need time to rest.  A Nicholas Sparks romance never gives time for an individual to rest in the love of another person, because they are too busy constantly cycling through emotions.  True love should not exhaust you to the point of wanting to hide in a dark closet just to be alone and think.

• If this person does not make you better by knowing them, if you do not make them a better person...what is the ultimate goal of your being together?
• I am someone who believes that we all have a purpose in this life.  I know my individual purpose is to serve my God.  Why would I commit to sharing my life with someone if they do not help and encourage me in that goal?  Why would I allow them to be tied to me if I know they are not fulfilling their purpose in life more fully for being with me?  In the past I have devoted my heart to someone who did not encourage me to be the best person I could be.  I lost myself in my drive to hold onto him.  And to be fully honest, I didn't help him be a better man either.  We were not better individuals for being together.  I held on frantically for awhile, because 'I loved him'.  What I painfully learned is, I can love someone with all of my heart and not be the best match for them.  So, if I truly love him and know I do not help make him the best man he can be...would I not love him best by letting him go?  I loved him then and I love him still, and we are not together because I finally loved him enough to walk away.

• If you are interested in someone you must immediately make a list of any flaws you can think of in them.  This will act as your tether to reality when the rose colored glasses go on and you no longer see flaws.  Ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with the items on the list.  If you can...pursue it. If not...walk away before you become invested. (advise from my father)

• If you are interested in a man watch how he treats the following people: his mother-because at some point in your relationship he will feel like you are mothering him, his enemies- because at some point in your relationship he will see you as an enemy, the 'unwanted'-because at some point in your relationship he will be tired and see your presence as a nuisance,  his friends-because more than anything he should always be your best friend. (advise from my mother)

          I could go on ( I have too many opinions) but I will spare you the rest.  If you have read this far you are probably either enraged or tired of my opinions by now.  I am sure I am not 100% correct, but I am also sure I am not 100% incorrect.  Take what you will from it and leave the rest.  They are, after all, only random thoughts.