Ever feel like this? If so...this post is for you.
For reasons that are not pertinent to this post, I found myself entering this past weekend with a fresh realization that I am not good at keeping in contact with friends and loved ones on a regular basis. This was not the first time in my life that I have come to such a realization. I have arrived at it no less than a dozen times before, but I had yet to find a solution that I felt was successful. Each time I had left the moment with a greater determination to 'do better' in the future and each time I had quickly reverted to my normal patterns of socialization. This Thursday evening I decided to take an active approach to solving the problem. I am terrible at keeping lines of communication and socialization open? No worries, I would spend the next three days actively exposing and reinforcing those lines wherever possible. I would even create new ones if necessary.
I spent each day texting, messaging, calling, meeting and visiting with as many people as I reasonably could. I went to social gatherings, stayed longer than I'm naturally inclined to and tried with all of my energy to be as actively involved as possible. On Sunday afternoon I found myself sitting off to the side of a group actively in conversation. I had just one moment before been a part of the conversation...I swear I was! But somehow not only was I out of the group but I had no clue what the line of conversation even was anymore. I tried for a couple minutes to pull myself back in, but it was like mentally treading water as the sounds of multiple conversations in the room crashed over me like a tidal wave. I gave in and sat back allowing all the words to become white noise. I looked around at the room full of people who I love and who I know love me and realized I was feeling more alone than I would have felt if I had just gone home to do chores alone.
I pictured all of us swimming in an ocean. I could see them all above me splashing and playing together but each time I tried to surface with them I would find my passage blocked by some unseen barrier. We were all in the same water, but I was forever in a different layer unable to see clearly what they saw or communicate what I saw. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to just give up and go home, but I had decided to be more open and available..more willing to socialize like everyone does with such ease. So, I decided to just go breathe in the church chapel for a bit and try to engage after a break. As I walked into the chapel another group was in a deep conversation about security in church after the terrible recent attack in Texas. As I sat there I thought, "Here is a conversation I can follow. This has a purpose and meaning that is close to my heart and my professional perspective." I wanted to interject with a statement that would contrast the need for security with the need to worship G-d free from fear, I hoped to spark a debate on the balance between those two needs...but not surprisingly my words did not convey what my heart and mind were thinking. I came across as abrupt and against personal security and emergency preparedness (two things I am not against.) and quickly caused the end of the entire conversation in a very awkward way. As everyone filed out and I tried to explain myself better to the single individual who remained I felt my heart sink lower and even more disconnected. I gave up and headed for my car. May as well get chores done right?
I cried all the way to the laundromat. What the thunder is wrong with me? How can I not have normal social interactions. It's as if everyone speaks Italian and I am fluent in Spanish. I hear their words and feel like I should understand, but at the end of the day we are speaking different languages and I come away even more frustrated for having tried. How is it that I have dear friends who I converse with easily on a regular basis, but sitting in a social gathering I feel like I am hanging onto a sinking piece of the Titanic, still alive but slowly freezing to death? Am I just really a terrible person who doesn't know how to interact and has had people holding me up my entire life? Am I completely a social dead weight that offers nothing to a friendship or social interaction?! As I dried my tears I told myself I was just being overly emotional, but I also said a prayer that G-d would be so kind as to reassure me that someone could see me and understand me, that He would show me how I am connected with others.
Thankfully while I was doing laundry I chatted with two of my brothers and two dear friends who reassured me that they also often feel more lonely after a social gathering than if they had stayed alone the entire time. This was an amazingly uplifting reassurance at just the right moment. At least if I am a total social reject I am not the only one. I began to feel comforted enough to start objectively analyzing the weekend and what had caused this feeling of disconnection and loneliness. During my analysis I realized that even though I am terrible at some types of social interaction and connection, this didn't mean I am a social reject. There are many social interactions that I am especially gifted in. I am great at one-on-one or small group conversations, I am good at recognizing when someone may need a word or a gift as a reminder that they are loved and remembered, I make a great emotional sponge during an emergency, I am phenomenal at all of the background quiet service stuff that many people don't even realize is necessary and there is no better emotional bulwark during times of trial. I simply stink at remembering when a birthday is or congratulating someone on a life event or, you know...all the normal basic social norms that come easily for so many people. A simple example: when most people meet someone new they want to know normal things like, "what do you do for a living?". When I meet someone new I want to ask questions like, "If you could float into a crowd through the air like a returning warrior, what theme music would be playing in the background." The wavelength I often travel through life on is quite different from most, but what if that's not bad? What if I am not designed to fit social norms because I am designed to fit a different social purpose? What if instead of putting so much energy and time into 'fitting' into social gatherings and expected social connections, I just opted out and put my time into the social gifts I have been given?
I internally mulled over these questions as I finished my chores and participated in church choir practices. I felt some level of comfort, but still ached to know that somehow I was not so very disconnected from the people in my life who I dearly love. I still felt a part of my soul singing Ariel's song 'A Part of Your World' I longed to know that even though I often see things from a singular perspective I was in some way connected to loved ones in deep and lasting ways. As the evening church service began I felt a lingering sadness and separation, and pushed it aside to focus on the sermon. The next hour was possibly one of the coolest gifts and reminders that I have ever been given in a sermon. The minister spoke on love. What it is to love G-d and to love one another. The topic was poignant, but it wasn't the topic that moved me. The minister began scripture by scripture and thought by thought to lay out the exact learning process that I have undergone in my personal studies on that very topic. As he spoke that lonely and separated part of my heart began to come into focus and it was as if G-d himself were speaking to my heart to reassure me, 'Just because your perspective is different from others doesn't mean you can't all share my perspective'.
My Point
Finally we have arrived at the point of all this rambling. Here is a truth that we humans do not like to admit, we all do this thing called life alone. Yes our paths cross and sometimes our perspectives are similar. Many of you are blessed with the ability to share perspectives fairly often and have a common social interaction because of it. Some of us are rarely looking through that particular perspective and more often feel the solitude of our journey. And yet for as lonely as this journey can be...we are all together when we are looking down the path of life through the perspective of its creator. In Christ we all share the same perspective and are intrinsically connected for all of space and time. So, when we find ourselves feeling alone in our travels...we just need to shift ourselves to His perspective and we will be reminded that we are never alone.
Today I am breaking all of my blog rules. The song linked below speaks to me of the very point I am trying to make. It all comes back to our creator and when we come to Him we will know exactly who we are and where we belong...In Him.
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