But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
1 Timothy 6:6-8
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
Philippians 4:11
Yesterday I had a short facebook conversation with my dear sister-in-law that was the genesis of a question I have been mulling over for the last 24 hours or so. What does 'happily ever after' really mean? In our fairy tale centered culture we tend to associate the term 'happily ever after' with images of a prince sweeping his princess off of her feet and saving her from some tragic fate. The two face some basic challenges together before they ultimately overcome them with the power of their combined wits and the magic of love, then in the ending scene all is calm and they ride off into the sunset (or get married or kiss or stare into each others eyes more intently than two second graders in a staring contest.) as the credits assure us they lived 'happily ever after'. But is that one story line truly the only possible variation to something as incomprehensible as 'happily ever after'? Because if that is true, it must mean that any other ending to the story cannot be 'happily ever after'. Which in turn means that the vast majority of all human experience falls under the category of 'unhappily ever after'. Is happiness truly restricted to this one aspect of the entire expanse of human existence? I cannot believe that.
I don't want to give you the impression that I hate fairy tales or romantic stories, to the contrary I quite enjoy them and most of my movie collection falls under the category of period romance. What I am questioning here is whether we as a culture have backed ourselves into a corner by attaching the concept of happiness to a mate. Is romance wonderful? Yes. Does it feel like your own personal fairytale unfolding before your eyes when you meet someone who matches your needs so perfectly that you easily forget you were ever two different entities? Definitely. Does it define your level of happiness for the rest of your days? Certainly not. In fact, I would further argue that if it does define your 'happy ever after' you are treading on some very dangerous ground.
We are from our birth alone. Connected to others through relationships, yes, but still ultimately alone. Those who aren't in a romantic relationship now will probably be at some point in their lives, and those who are will have to face a day when they are once again without their partner. (whether through the tragedy of death or personal choice) We cross from this life into the next alone and we stand before our maker alone. In fact the only being that is with us from the beginning of our life until the very end is our Creator. While we may share the path with others for a time, the journey of our days on this earth is essentially a solitary one. Therefore to rely on any person's presence for happiness is to consign ourselves to a long and sorrowful journey.
If happiness then is not intrinsically tied to the presence of others in our lives, what is it and how can it be achieved? Is it any more tangible than magical unicorn dust floating in space, and if so what can one do in order to grab hold of it?
As I contemplated these questions the verse from Timothy repeated in my mind. "godliness with contentment is great gain." I began to ask myself, what is contentment and how does it differ from happiness? Here is the definition I found in Merriam Webster:
Contentment: the state of being happy and satisfied; the state of being content
Content: pleased and satisfied; not needing more
This finding of course intrigued me more. If happiness is part of the definition of contentment then what does it mean to be happy? Here's what Merriam Webster told me:
Happy: feeling of pleasure or enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.; showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment; pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.
In contemplating these two definitions I found my 'aha' moment. (I know it's tricky because my thoughts are as sporadic as a summer lightning storm sometimes, but try to stay with me here.) I realized that 'happily ever after' could indeed be attached to a specific person or state of being. Happiness is rooted in pleasure derived from a passing moment in time, it's existence is dependent on specific parameters that have a continuous ebb and flow. So from the moment happiness begins it is also in the process of ending and may do so without any warning if the necessary parameters no longer exist. Contentment on the other hand is a state of being. Happiness is a part of it, but it's existence is not dependent on the presence of happiness. Because the essence of contentment is being satisfied and not needing more than what you have right now.
You may wonder why that small difference matters. You may even say they are both ultimately the same thing, but I would have to disagree with you there. To me this small difference means everything. You see, I have spent much of my life believing that happiness and contentment were essentially the same. I have tried to 'make' myself 'just be happy' with something that was miserable to me. I have beat myself up for not being able to 'just be happy' for someone or something in my life when the truth is I was focused on the wrong thing. It wasn't my responsibility to make myself be happy in an unhappy situation, it was my responsibility to choose to embrace contentment in spite of being overwhelmed by unhappiness.
If my car's engine falls apart on the side of the road there is nothing that I can do to make myself be happy with that situation. It's a miserable situation that would and should make anyone unhappy. I can however teach myself to be content in the moment of my unhappiness. I can remember the good things I have in my life, be thankful for friends and family to call who will help me out, remember that I have a job with a decent income that allows me to have insurance coverage and enough money in the bank to get my car fixed. I can remind myself to be pleased about what is good in my life, to be satisfied with the gifts and blessings I do have and to not need perfection in that moment. There is no way that having an engine fall apart on the side of the road would bring anyone pleasure or enjoyment, those feelings will never come from tragedy of any kind but contentment...contentment can be found even in the midst of unhappiness.
That's what the writers of old were trying to explain to me. Our culture tries to sell us happiness as if it is the defining characteristic of a successful life. We chase happiness as if it is a firefly at dusk and if we could only trap it in our glass jars then we would 'have it all' but it is a dirty trick. What we are not told, what we do not understand is that in the instant we have it within our grasp and seal it up for the future the moment of it's existence has passed and we are left with an empty jar, the memory of it's presence and the insatiable desire to once again pursue and claim it as our own. What we are not told is that contentment is the only container in which happiness can become a permanent resident. It is the home in which happiness can find it's true place.
To pursue happiness is to pursue an elusive sense of perfection, it is to live unable to be satiated and at rest. To pursue contentment is to pursue the ability to be satisfied with every part of the journey of life. To know that in the darkest moments you would not choose any other path because you are confident in the knowledge that your life is blessed by your creator and while it may come and go throughout your lifetime, happiness will always return to you. It is a part of your life, but it does not have to define the success of your life.
Happiness is a marvelous gift and one that I am blessed with more often than I deserve, but it is not happiness that I want to have ever after. I want to have contentment ever after. I want to be able to say in every moment of my life no matter how terrifying, dark, lonely or unspeakably beautiful; that I am satisfied with the life I have been given, that I do not need more than I have in this very moment. I want to always be content.
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