Exodus 12:14....
It was very late in the night of Monday April 14th when I made my way with family and several friends up into a semi secluded overlook in the desert. Our goal was to have a prime spot to view the 'Blood Moon' a location where the city lights would not dim the natural splendor on display, and did we ever find the right spot. About a quarter mile off of the highway on the exit to the Four Peaks is a scenic overlook. When you look toward the east it is all the pristine silence and darkness of desert and mountains, but toward the west the lemony glow of the city warms and overruns the sky with signs of human life. We arrived just a bit before midnight and the moon stood center stage in the sky. The eclipse had begun about twenty minutes prior and about a third of its silvery glow was already covered in shadow.
As I stepped out of the vehicle into the cool night air I felt an overwhelming need to be away from people...away from the things of man. I love my family and friends and I loved sharing this event with them, but I had an ache to just be in silence with my creator and His creation. I moved down the road far enough away from everyone that I could no longer distinguish the sounds of their voices and they begin to blend like the chorus of so many crickets lifting their song on the breeze. I walked until I felt myself surrounded by nothing but earth and moonlight. I leaned myself against a wooden fence framing the edges of the road and gazed up at that great moon...thinking.
I am by nature a thinker, I contemplate and mull over things that most people would recognize as silly or not necessary. I am in a constant state of wonderment. How is .....made? Why does ......work? Who is in charge of .....? What if .....happens? Always questions and sometimes answers, my brain never stops asking. As the muscles and nerves in my neck began to cry out in pain from five, ten and twenty minutes of craning my eyes upward; my mind never once tired from asking its maker. What, if anything, does this mean? This amazing display playing out before my eyes...does it have a deeper significance? Are the 'blood moon prophecies' something I should be considering or worrying about? If not, is there something special and significant about this eclipse beyond the omnipotent hand that has made it visible to me? Slowly, slowly, like a room fading in and out of focus when you are suffering from a migraine, something of a glimmer took shape in my mind. Something I could feel, but not quite put words to. Something I knew I had to focus on if I wanted to grasp in even the slightest degree. 'There is something!', my heart cried out to my muddled mind, 'Focus!'.
I slowly meandered my way back to the group, smiling and responding to their light conversation...but still pondering. As the moon came into full eclipse I looked up again and decided I did not like this color at all. It wasn't really a 'blood' moon. It wasn't really even very red at all. If anything it was an 'Iron' moon, and not nearly as beautiful as the silvery glow I knew and loved. Why was it even given the name 'Blood Moon'? I sat myself down on a folding chair and stared out at the desert beyond me. The desert...what would it be like to be out there, walking in the desert? Trying to cross it without the convenience of a vehicle, with everything I owned in tow.
I thought of the Israelites wandering in lands, possibly much like the scenery before me. How did they accomplish such a task? Unimaginable. When I glanced back up at the moon everything shifted suddenly into focus. A Blood Moon....today is Passover. Passover, the day of memorial unto the Lord. I thought of all the families of Egypt on that first Passover. How traumatic it must have been. What kind of suffering did they go through because of the decisions of their leaders who would not allow the Israelites to leave? What must it have been like for an Israelite family? Huddled closely in their homes that night, did they hear the cries of grief from their friends and neighbors? What would it be like to know that such a great sacrifice of life had to be made, for your freedom to be assured? Sacrifice. No freedom ever comes without first paying its price through sacrifice.
I sat there in the darkness and unashamedly allowed the tears to roll uninhibited down my cheeks. I asked my God and Father to forgive me for the moments when I forget what sacrifices have gone before me. To help me to remember always that I am not exempt from the need to sacrifice in my life. Sacrifice is required from me, just as it was given for me.
Perhaps some need to attach a prophetic significance to the events of these four lunar eclipses. Perhaps it is a prophetic signaling of the end of things as we know them. I cannot say whether or not it is a prophetic sign and although I enjoy asking questions I'm not going to concern myself with that particular one. Instead I will tell you what I know in my heart. The wonder of creation is made and controlled by my loving Heavenly Father who wants me to enter into His rest when I reach the end of this life. He has set the Passover as a memorial to His household forever, to remember His saving power and the sacrifice required for salvation. His beautiful display of the lunar eclipse reminded me of those who have trusted in Him long before my time and followed Him faithfully and I want to be the same example for those who follow after me.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
On Having an 'Adventure'
As I child I remember many times when something happened that delayed us or threw us off the planned course for the day. Inevitably one of my brothers or I would complain about the day being ruined and my mother never failed to turn to us with a huge smile and say, "No, we are not lost (the day is not ruined, etc.) we are having an adventure!" At the time I clearly remember thinking she was not fooling anyone least of all me, but looking back I now realize those moments of 'adventure' hold some of my favorite memories of childhood.
Last night I got to experience an 'adventure' of my very own with only the memory of my mother's cheery outlook to keep me focused on the positive side of things. Before I go into the fun details I want to make clear that there are a lot of positives and actual blessings in this tale of woe. I recognize those blessings and will reiterate them at the end. So....let's just dive in shall we?
Thursday Evening 520pm
Due to seasonal illnesses that have attacked some of my co-workers my schedule has been adjusted and I am working later which means I'm leaving work just as traffic becomes the heaviest. It's been a long day and I'm not looking forward to the 1.5-2hr drive home that lies ahead of me. As I turn the corner from the side road onto the main road heading home I clip the curb with my back passenger tire. There is a certain sound associated with hitting a curb with your tire. I don't quite know how to explain it other than a hollow thunk mixed with the squeak of rubber against concrete. The sound I heard was all of that plus a strange cracking sound. I immediately knew there was something terribly wrong but held out a tiny hope that it would be okay. Crossing the street to a wide/semi-empty side road I heard the unquestionable sound of a very flat tire. I felt emotionally as deflated as I knew my tire was. This means a minimum of $250 out of my pocket as you cannot wisely purchase only one new tire.
Looking at each of my tires as I made a quick call to a local friend (before realizing I did indeed have a 'doughnut' in my trunk.) I felt my emotions sink even lower. As I pulled out the tiny tire from my trunk and set up the necessary tools I considered what needed to be done to get me home. It has been almost a year since I played the game of 'buy two tires and keep the best two on the car' to avoid the $450-$500 bill of four new tires. Two of these tires (including the one blown) have been needing replaced for well over a year and the two I bought last year are about 3-4 months overdue. I took a deep breath and set about to get the tire changed as I waited for a friendly officer to come and help me out. I hoped reinforcements would arrive before I got to the one part in the tire changing process that I always dread....setting the jack.
I like to consider myself mostly self sufficient. Obviously I'm nothing of a mechanic and cannot solve any in depth issues, but when it comes to something as simple as changing a tire I am far from helpless. That being said, I am terrified of placing the jack in the wrong spot and somehow further damaging my vehicle. Thankfully a couple of civil servants arrived and helped calm my fears on that end.
Thursday Evening 6pm
I located a tire shop only about five miles away from work. While I wasn't looking forward to the money about to come out of my bank account I was feeling relieved to be closer to going home. As I pulled around the corner of the building I saw the employees were busy working on cars in each bay and several people standing inside and outside of the office waiting for their vehicles. I was very confused then, when I attempted to open the front door and found it locked. Why would it be locked? They were clearly open...what was going on? I looked down at the hours listed on the door and realized it said closing was 6pm...of course it was now 6:15. The exasperation I was holding back threatened to explode into desperation as tears stung at the corners of my eyes about to spill over. "Stop it Laura?", I internally chided myself. "This is doable, you will find a solution and you will not break down crying like the helpless girl you are feeling like right now. If you have to sleep in your car at work, you will do so without breaking down and crying! Just breathe." Taking a deep breath I headed to one of the open garage bays and quietly asked the first person I saw, "Can you please direct me to a tire place that is still open? I live an hour from here and don't have the option of just waiting until tomorrow morning."
The manager looked at me for a moment and seemed to have an internal struggle with himself before answering me. I don't know if he could see how close I was to breaking down or if he just didn't want to lose an obvious customer but he brusquely said, "Give me a minute, we'll take care of you." He followed me to my car where he said, "All of your tires are really bad." I told him I was aware of that, but was hoping because of the cost of tires these days to only have to replace two right now. He picked out the two in the best shape but said they didn't really have any life left on them either. Then he paused and asked me to follow him inside the office. After a few minutes on the computer he looked up and said, "I can get you four new tires for $330." Knowing that was the best price I have had for four new tires in the past four years I begrudgingly told him to go ahead and replace all four.
Thursday Evening 640pm
Back on the road, but much poorer than when I started I merged onto the highway and realized my gas tank was firmly on empty. The next exit was the main road that heads from the freeway to my work and it had a gas station so I turned off, heading straight back towards work. At the first large intersection I saw police lights and sat in a huge backup for ten minutes waiting to get through. Finally passing through the intersection I saw two vehicles horribly mangled and parts scattered across half of the area. There is no doubt the passengers/drivers of the vehicles were on their way to the hospital if not worse.
Finally at the gas station I was chatting with my best friend Jessica (using my fancy bluetooth headset) while filling the tank. Before leaving I realized my hands and forearms were full of tire/road grime and headed inside to wash off. I entered the restroom and went straight to the sink where I began scrubbing while listening to a story Jessica was telling me. Suddenly my mind was confused by a strange voice speaking. "Are they cleaning the bathroom and I didn't notice the sign?", I thought to myself as I rinsed off the soap from my hands and got some paper towels. I clearly remembered checking the signs on the door before opening it and didn't remember any cleaning signs. I felt mildly bad for the employee who would clearly be embarrassed that I was in the restroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a stall door open and a tall man in his mid 70's step out. We stood there for a moment, our eyes meeting in the mirror, the look of complete confusion equal on both of our faces as the sound of Jessica speaking turned from individual words into a rhythmic rush of sound crashing against my ears. "Isn't this?", he started then stopped as he moved hesitatingly forward, "Aren't we? I thought this was...". He passed behind me heading for the door and I threw away the paper towels as I turned to follow him out. As I turned I saw the urinal hanging on the wall behind me, "Yep.", I thought to myself, "I'm totally in the men's restroom." We stepped out of the room and he paused to look at the plaque on the wall, "Yes, this is the men's room.", he said quietly then walked away without giving me a second glance. I barely made it into the WOMEN'S restroom before bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. I could hardly breathe and realized Jessica was still talking with me and I had no clue what she had even said. I rudely interrupted her and we both enjoyed a full minute or so of laughter at my expense.
Thursday Evening 7pm
As I'm about to pull out and head north to the closest freeway exit I remember the accident and realize traffic is still backed up. I decide to head south and take a giant square around to the freeway instead of waiting in the line of traffic. I drive past work and laugh at the irony that it's two hours and $360 later and I am no closer to home than when I began. I then realize that with an hour drive still ahead of me it will be too late to cook and eat dinner by the time I get home. I will have to go without dinner or stop at the one fast food restraunt that offers something that fits into my eating plan...Chick-fil-a. (I give them a shout out for offering me the option of grilled chicken and fresh fruit) There is one nearby....next to the tire shop I was just at. All I want is to be on the road heading home by now, but I figure my body does need some nutrition so I pass the freeway and turn into the drive through. Man they are busy....15minutes later I have food and am heading to the freeway yet again.
Thursday Evening 815pm
Just as I am passing the last intersection before home I get a message from my niece, "can you pick me up from school?" I pull over and give her a call. I am nearby I can be there in a few minutes, "You haven't been home yet?!" Nope....I've been having an adventure.
It was an ugly, nasty, expensive, embarrassing and super exhausting evening but that is not the entire story. I know that my life is so very blessed. Even in the middle of 'trials' I am encompassed by blessings. Here are just a few that I was given in only 3hrs last night:
PS. The restroom portion of the evening, I believe, was purely for entertainment value.
Last night I got to experience an 'adventure' of my very own with only the memory of my mother's cheery outlook to keep me focused on the positive side of things. Before I go into the fun details I want to make clear that there are a lot of positives and actual blessings in this tale of woe. I recognize those blessings and will reiterate them at the end. So....let's just dive in shall we?
Thursday Evening 520pm
Due to seasonal illnesses that have attacked some of my co-workers my schedule has been adjusted and I am working later which means I'm leaving work just as traffic becomes the heaviest. It's been a long day and I'm not looking forward to the 1.5-2hr drive home that lies ahead of me. As I turn the corner from the side road onto the main road heading home I clip the curb with my back passenger tire. There is a certain sound associated with hitting a curb with your tire. I don't quite know how to explain it other than a hollow thunk mixed with the squeak of rubber against concrete. The sound I heard was all of that plus a strange cracking sound. I immediately knew there was something terribly wrong but held out a tiny hope that it would be okay. Crossing the street to a wide/semi-empty side road I heard the unquestionable sound of a very flat tire. I felt emotionally as deflated as I knew my tire was. This means a minimum of $250 out of my pocket as you cannot wisely purchase only one new tire.
Looking at each of my tires as I made a quick call to a local friend (before realizing I did indeed have a 'doughnut' in my trunk.) I felt my emotions sink even lower. As I pulled out the tiny tire from my trunk and set up the necessary tools I considered what needed to be done to get me home. It has been almost a year since I played the game of 'buy two tires and keep the best two on the car' to avoid the $450-$500 bill of four new tires. Two of these tires (including the one blown) have been needing replaced for well over a year and the two I bought last year are about 3-4 months overdue. I took a deep breath and set about to get the tire changed as I waited for a friendly officer to come and help me out. I hoped reinforcements would arrive before I got to the one part in the tire changing process that I always dread....setting the jack.
I like to consider myself mostly self sufficient. Obviously I'm nothing of a mechanic and cannot solve any in depth issues, but when it comes to something as simple as changing a tire I am far from helpless. That being said, I am terrified of placing the jack in the wrong spot and somehow further damaging my vehicle. Thankfully a couple of civil servants arrived and helped calm my fears on that end.
Thursday Evening 6pm
I located a tire shop only about five miles away from work. While I wasn't looking forward to the money about to come out of my bank account I was feeling relieved to be closer to going home. As I pulled around the corner of the building I saw the employees were busy working on cars in each bay and several people standing inside and outside of the office waiting for their vehicles. I was very confused then, when I attempted to open the front door and found it locked. Why would it be locked? They were clearly open...what was going on? I looked down at the hours listed on the door and realized it said closing was 6pm...of course it was now 6:15. The exasperation I was holding back threatened to explode into desperation as tears stung at the corners of my eyes about to spill over. "Stop it Laura?", I internally chided myself. "This is doable, you will find a solution and you will not break down crying like the helpless girl you are feeling like right now. If you have to sleep in your car at work, you will do so without breaking down and crying! Just breathe." Taking a deep breath I headed to one of the open garage bays and quietly asked the first person I saw, "Can you please direct me to a tire place that is still open? I live an hour from here and don't have the option of just waiting until tomorrow morning."
The manager looked at me for a moment and seemed to have an internal struggle with himself before answering me. I don't know if he could see how close I was to breaking down or if he just didn't want to lose an obvious customer but he brusquely said, "Give me a minute, we'll take care of you." He followed me to my car where he said, "All of your tires are really bad." I told him I was aware of that, but was hoping because of the cost of tires these days to only have to replace two right now. He picked out the two in the best shape but said they didn't really have any life left on them either. Then he paused and asked me to follow him inside the office. After a few minutes on the computer he looked up and said, "I can get you four new tires for $330." Knowing that was the best price I have had for four new tires in the past four years I begrudgingly told him to go ahead and replace all four.
Thursday Evening 640pm
Back on the road, but much poorer than when I started I merged onto the highway and realized my gas tank was firmly on empty. The next exit was the main road that heads from the freeway to my work and it had a gas station so I turned off, heading straight back towards work. At the first large intersection I saw police lights and sat in a huge backup for ten minutes waiting to get through. Finally passing through the intersection I saw two vehicles horribly mangled and parts scattered across half of the area. There is no doubt the passengers/drivers of the vehicles were on their way to the hospital if not worse.
Finally at the gas station I was chatting with my best friend Jessica (using my fancy bluetooth headset) while filling the tank. Before leaving I realized my hands and forearms were full of tire/road grime and headed inside to wash off. I entered the restroom and went straight to the sink where I began scrubbing while listening to a story Jessica was telling me. Suddenly my mind was confused by a strange voice speaking. "Are they cleaning the bathroom and I didn't notice the sign?", I thought to myself as I rinsed off the soap from my hands and got some paper towels. I clearly remembered checking the signs on the door before opening it and didn't remember any cleaning signs. I felt mildly bad for the employee who would clearly be embarrassed that I was in the restroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a stall door open and a tall man in his mid 70's step out. We stood there for a moment, our eyes meeting in the mirror, the look of complete confusion equal on both of our faces as the sound of Jessica speaking turned from individual words into a rhythmic rush of sound crashing against my ears. "Isn't this?", he started then stopped as he moved hesitatingly forward, "Aren't we? I thought this was...". He passed behind me heading for the door and I threw away the paper towels as I turned to follow him out. As I turned I saw the urinal hanging on the wall behind me, "Yep.", I thought to myself, "I'm totally in the men's restroom." We stepped out of the room and he paused to look at the plaque on the wall, "Yes, this is the men's room.", he said quietly then walked away without giving me a second glance. I barely made it into the WOMEN'S restroom before bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. I could hardly breathe and realized Jessica was still talking with me and I had no clue what she had even said. I rudely interrupted her and we both enjoyed a full minute or so of laughter at my expense.
Thursday Evening 7pm
As I'm about to pull out and head north to the closest freeway exit I remember the accident and realize traffic is still backed up. I decide to head south and take a giant square around to the freeway instead of waiting in the line of traffic. I drive past work and laugh at the irony that it's two hours and $360 later and I am no closer to home than when I began. I then realize that with an hour drive still ahead of me it will be too late to cook and eat dinner by the time I get home. I will have to go without dinner or stop at the one fast food restraunt that offers something that fits into my eating plan...Chick-fil-a. (I give them a shout out for offering me the option of grilled chicken and fresh fruit) There is one nearby....next to the tire shop I was just at. All I want is to be on the road heading home by now, but I figure my body does need some nutrition so I pass the freeway and turn into the drive through. Man they are busy....15minutes later I have food and am heading to the freeway yet again.
Thursday Evening 815pm
Just as I am passing the last intersection before home I get a message from my niece, "can you pick me up from school?" I pull over and give her a call. I am nearby I can be there in a few minutes, "You haven't been home yet?!" Nope....I've been having an adventure.
It was an ugly, nasty, expensive, embarrassing and super exhausting evening but that is not the entire story. I know that my life is so very blessed. Even in the middle of 'trials' I am encompassed by blessings. Here are just a few that I was given in only 3hrs last night:
- Instead of blowing out on the freeway when I was driving at high rates of speed and could cause a terrible accident, this tire that ideally should have been replaced 12 months ago blew out when I was driving less than 5mph turning a corner and right where there were friends to come and help me through the process of changing the tire.
- When I could have been stranded overnight because I didn't make it to the tire shop before closing, a kind hearted person chose to put themselves out to help me.
- The cost of four new tires was significantly lower than I expected and lower than I have seen in several years.
- I actually have money that I can use to pay for the very necessary tires.
PS. The restroom portion of the evening, I believe, was purely for entertainment value.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
On Living an Amazingly Single Life
I am thirty-two years old and am happily single. I have been single for the vast majority of my adult life and I would not change that for the world. This post is not about what is better, single or married life. It's not about me proving to anyone that I am content as I am. I feel no need to prove anything to anyone. This is merely me wanting to give my two cents worth on the experiences I have had as a single adult.
In my years as a single woman I have had various and sundry comments from friends, family members and church brothers/sisters, comments that I truly believe were well intentioned and made out of true love and concern for my happiness. These comments although said with the best of intentions only caused sadness, an erosion of emotional stability, and questioning of basic self worth. I would like to share with you those comments and help you see them through the eyes of a single person. My intent here is not to throw the love and concern of any one person back in their face, only to help show how your expression of love is actually heard by someone who is living a single life. Here are some examples:
#1.)
What is said: "I know this may be hard sometimes, but I am praying for you that God will send you someone too." (said while patting my shoulder or leg while at some couples event or wedding)
What is heard: "I see that you are alone in life and I assume you must be so sad to be alone that you cannot find joy in the love of those around you. I am praying for you that God will send you someone to fill the obvious hole in your life so that you can finally enjoy these type of events."
What I'm Actually Feeling: I am super excited and overflowing with happiness and joy. I am tearing up because I am thinking of the love surrounding me and how blessed I am to be a part of it. I haven't actually considered the fact that I am single or compared my happiness to those around me until you felt the need to point it out to me. What you intended to be a word of encouragement has actually been the single catalyst that has reminded me of my unmarried state and made me feel like maybe I should be comparing my level of happiness to that of the people surrounding me who are in a relationship.
#2.)
What is said: "Don't give up hope, I know God has someone special for you."
What is heard: " You seem down and depressed and I am afraid you think you will never marry. Don't worry I have a personal witness from God that you will marry at some point in time. Just take my word for it and you can be happy."
What I'm Actually Feeling: You have assumed several things about my life. You have decided that I am not happy even though I personally have not expressed that to you in any way. You have decided that the reason for my perceived unhappiness must be my single status and not something else in my life which implies to me that you see nothing else of importance in my life for me to be concerned or worried about. You have also decided that even though there are many people in the world who live completely happy lives without a mate, that will not be my story because you know I will marry even if I don't know that yet. Finally, through this statement you are implying to me that there can be nothing more important I am hoping for in life than to 'find a man'.
#3.)
What is said: "When I finally gave up searching and got things in order in my life, that's when I found my spouse."
What is heard: "You are just too desperate and your personal life is a mess that's why you haven't found anyone yet. If you would work on yourself and stop focusing on finding someone then your mate would magically appear."
What I'm Actually Feeling: By making this statement you are unknowingly judging both my status in life as well as whether or not I am currently looking for a mate. You think you have given me great advise because it happened to ring true in your life. What you do not see is that I have not been actively seeking a mate and my personal life is in order as evidenced by my ability to successfully care for myself for a significant number of years. When you make this statement, instead of being reassuring as you may have intended, you have started an internal domino effect that will cause me to question every thought and action in my life and wonder where I have some huge flaw that needs to be 'fixed' so that I can have the 'magical' moment you did.
#4.)
What is said: "There is no greater blessing or gift one can be given or give than the gift of life. The church needs strong families full of children. Our families are the future of the church. Children are our greatest blessings." (Sometimes expressed in other words, but a similar sentiment. I have heard this both in conversation and over the pulpit.)
What is heard: "Since children are the greatest blessing one can have and families are the strength and future of the church you are pretty much useless to the church in your current status as a single female. You have nothing to give to the growth and strength of the church until you are married and bearing children."
What I'm Actually Feeling: Why do I even serve in any capacity if it will never be good enough or worth anything until I am attached to a man and bearing children? Are there not wonderful things I can contribute to the work of the gospel on my own as a single woman? Are there not things I can do and ways I can serve that married women cannot? Why am I even here if I'm no good to the church on my own merit?
#5.)
What is said: "You're just too picky. That's the problem with single women over the age of 26, they are either too picky or desperate."
What is heard: "You should have just picked someone by now because at this point whoever you settle on we will assume you only chose him because you are desperate."
What I'm Actually Feeling: I'm so confused by this statement as it contradicts itself on every level. You have first told me I could be married if I wasn't such a picky person and had settled for whatever options have come my way, regardless of whether that person was the right fit for me. Then you immediately state that women my age are also desperate, which implies they will take anyone who comes along. So.....because I didn't marry anyone who came along I am too picky, but if I should do what you suggest you will immediately label me as desperate? I have now stopped listening to any advise you give as it is clearly ridiculous.
There are many other comments that I could put in here, but this is a sampling of what is heard most often. To anyone who may have made these comments to me over the years...I do not harbor any ill feelings because I know you said it with love in your heart. I firmly believe you just did not understand what your words meant to me. To anyone in the future who says them....well...I know you know now...so be ready to hear some strait up truth coming from me about it. And to those of you reading this who have single adult family members or friends please read the next paragraph closely.
I am a thirty two year old single female....and I love my life! I do not waste my hours pinning away wishing I were married or agonizing over my single status. It is true that I have rare moments in time when I wish I didn't have to take care of all the responsibilities of life alone. It is true that I have rare moments in time when I would love to have one best friend to come home to and talk about the day and my internal fears/concerns with and then make love to. It is also true that I do not believe I am missing out on any amount of love, laughter or joy in my life because I am unmarried. God doesn't put less love or happiness in my life because I am without a mate, He just gives me more of other kinds of love. While married women are caring for their babies and/or husbands I get to sponsor youth activities, have sleep overs with my best friends' kiddos, visit loved ones out of state and randomly decide to have dinner with church members on a week night. When my married friends are taking care of their children's education I am sharing friendship and love with my co-workers and others I meet through my job, I have extra time to volunteer with community events and be a basketball coach. My life story is no less or more happy than your own, it's just my story and not yours. Just as you have to choose and work for happiness in your married life, I have to choose and work for happiness in my single one. Someday if The Lord wills it, I will be glad to be married and have children of my own but that is not when my happiness and my story will begin. It will only be a new chapter to my story that is already being written....and I refuse to skip ahead when this chapter is such a good one.
#3.)
What is said: "When I finally gave up searching and got things in order in my life, that's when I found my spouse."
What is heard: "You are just too desperate and your personal life is a mess that's why you haven't found anyone yet. If you would work on yourself and stop focusing on finding someone then your mate would magically appear."
What I'm Actually Feeling: By making this statement you are unknowingly judging both my status in life as well as whether or not I am currently looking for a mate. You think you have given me great advise because it happened to ring true in your life. What you do not see is that I have not been actively seeking a mate and my personal life is in order as evidenced by my ability to successfully care for myself for a significant number of years. When you make this statement, instead of being reassuring as you may have intended, you have started an internal domino effect that will cause me to question every thought and action in my life and wonder where I have some huge flaw that needs to be 'fixed' so that I can have the 'magical' moment you did.
#4.)
What is said: "There is no greater blessing or gift one can be given or give than the gift of life. The church needs strong families full of children. Our families are the future of the church. Children are our greatest blessings." (Sometimes expressed in other words, but a similar sentiment. I have heard this both in conversation and over the pulpit.)
What is heard: "Since children are the greatest blessing one can have and families are the strength and future of the church you are pretty much useless to the church in your current status as a single female. You have nothing to give to the growth and strength of the church until you are married and bearing children."
What I'm Actually Feeling: Why do I even serve in any capacity if it will never be good enough or worth anything until I am attached to a man and bearing children? Are there not wonderful things I can contribute to the work of the gospel on my own as a single woman? Are there not things I can do and ways I can serve that married women cannot? Why am I even here if I'm no good to the church on my own merit?
#5.)
What is said: "You're just too picky. That's the problem with single women over the age of 26, they are either too picky or desperate."
What is heard: "You should have just picked someone by now because at this point whoever you settle on we will assume you only chose him because you are desperate."
What I'm Actually Feeling: I'm so confused by this statement as it contradicts itself on every level. You have first told me I could be married if I wasn't such a picky person and had settled for whatever options have come my way, regardless of whether that person was the right fit for me. Then you immediately state that women my age are also desperate, which implies they will take anyone who comes along. So.....because I didn't marry anyone who came along I am too picky, but if I should do what you suggest you will immediately label me as desperate? I have now stopped listening to any advise you give as it is clearly ridiculous.
There are many other comments that I could put in here, but this is a sampling of what is heard most often. To anyone who may have made these comments to me over the years...I do not harbor any ill feelings because I know you said it with love in your heart. I firmly believe you just did not understand what your words meant to me. To anyone in the future who says them....well...I know you know now...so be ready to hear some strait up truth coming from me about it. And to those of you reading this who have single adult family members or friends please read the next paragraph closely.
I am a thirty two year old single female....and I love my life! I do not waste my hours pinning away wishing I were married or agonizing over my single status. It is true that I have rare moments in time when I wish I didn't have to take care of all the responsibilities of life alone. It is true that I have rare moments in time when I would love to have one best friend to come home to and talk about the day and my internal fears/concerns with and then make love to. It is also true that I do not believe I am missing out on any amount of love, laughter or joy in my life because I am unmarried. God doesn't put less love or happiness in my life because I am without a mate, He just gives me more of other kinds of love. While married women are caring for their babies and/or husbands I get to sponsor youth activities, have sleep overs with my best friends' kiddos, visit loved ones out of state and randomly decide to have dinner with church members on a week night. When my married friends are taking care of their children's education I am sharing friendship and love with my co-workers and others I meet through my job, I have extra time to volunteer with community events and be a basketball coach. My life story is no less or more happy than your own, it's just my story and not yours. Just as you have to choose and work for happiness in your married life, I have to choose and work for happiness in my single one. Someday if The Lord wills it, I will be glad to be married and have children of my own but that is not when my happiness and my story will begin. It will only be a new chapter to my story that is already being written....and I refuse to skip ahead when this chapter is such a good one.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
On Early Morning Meetings
Some people, including my bff, may wonder why I like running so much. Well, here is where I shock you...I don't. I actually dread running. The thought of plodding painfully down a road somewhere when I could be doing a zillion other enjoyable things is vomitus to me. When my alarm wakes me at the horrendous hour of 4am there is nothing I would like more than to turn it off and sleep an extra hour or so. And yet I run. At this point you are probably wondering, "Laura, if you hate it so much...why do you keep on doing it?" The complex answer is....I also love it...and the love outweighs my dislike. Why do I love it?
There is this irrigation canal near my work. It runs for miles through the city, behind neighborhoods and through alfalfa and corn fields. On either side of its banks are dirt trails made smooth by utility vehicles and farm machinery. The canal itself is alive with beautiful Koi fish, ducks and sparrows. When I am good, when I wake early enough to take the time...this is where I run. When I hit the trail it is around 5:30 or so but it is still dark at this time of year. The glassy surface of the water reflects the ambient light of the city bouncing off of low laying clouds. I am surrounded by water and acres upon acres of life springing from the ground in one form or another...the earth is quiet...still slowly rising from the nights slumber.
At first as I start out the air feels bitter cold and I have to hide my hands in my sleeves to keep my fingers warm. My lungs send sharp pangs inside me as the cold air is drawn deeply into them. The muscles in my legs suddenly feel as though I have inflated them with lead and after a few hundred feet they are not wanting to continue. About a half of a mile in it seems as though every cell in my body is screaming at me to just stop and walk. "It's not like you're moving much faster than a walk anyway.", they scream in sarcastic unison. This is when it happens, this is my moment of decision. If I slow to a walk it is all over....I am defeated. But If I continue...if I move forward with a prayer on my lips...Then my favorite part of the day has begun.
My lungs hurt, my joints are stiff, I am cold, my muscles are heavy and I want to walk back to the car. Until I say these quiet words in my heart, "Lord please bless me to keep going. Help me to focus on you and what is most important." My focus shifts as I begin to pray about the day before me. What should I say, where should I go, who can I be a friend to? Then the prayers shift again and I'm thinking of my loved ones, considering their needs and wants as well as how I can be there for them. I am contemplating my life now, my very heart and the decisions that are ahead of me when I realize I'm not tired anymore. In fact, I am moving faster and have gone farther than I expected to. My breath is steady and regular and my muscles feel warm and relaxed. Every inch of my being is moving forward with my thoughts and prayers.
That is where I meet him then...my Savior. Out there in the darkness on that silent trail. I reflect on Him and His blessed presence in my life. Thank Him fore His gifts poured out on me with such love. I look up to the mountains and see the sky starting to fill with daylight. I see the birds glide across the still waters and smell the sweet odor of crops growing in the field. I am awake and alive, I am in the presence of my Heavenly Father and He is giving me the strength to keep moving when I would fail on my own.
It is here that I am reminded of His strength to carry me. His ability to see far beyond my mortal eyes into the depths of eternity. In this land where I see next to nothing, He speaks to my heart and shows me that He sees it all and has a plan. I cannot doubt, I cannot fear, I must ignore what 'reason' would say is true. Because while I am only a being made to reason, He is a God of wonders.
As I near the end of my run I am filled with peace and joy. I have had my morning meeting and discussed the issues facing me. I have solicited His care and protection over myself and my loved ones. I have been reminded that my limitations are not His own, and with Him I can accomplish anything He deems necessary and right and true. I never walk (or run) alone.
This is what I hope and pray for you. Find that one thing....the something that you think you cannot accomplish, or perhaps you are afraid you will fail. Maybe it's a physical thing, but maybe it is not. Maybe it is a task you feel is beyond your skills or an emotional weight that seems too heavy to lift, whatever it is your heart knows it. Right now, if you are being honest, you know what it is. Take in a deep painful breath and start moving your lead ridden feet forward. Whisper a prayer to your Heavenly Father to keep you moving in the right direction. I promise you this, if you step out and move forward, if you are willing to push through the reason in your head that tells you to give it up and walk away, you will not be running your race alone. You will not be without strength to get you where you are needing to go. He is waiting to meet with you....you just have to be willing to dedicate the time and put in the energy and most of all....trust that He will not let you fail.
There is this irrigation canal near my work. It runs for miles through the city, behind neighborhoods and through alfalfa and corn fields. On either side of its banks are dirt trails made smooth by utility vehicles and farm machinery. The canal itself is alive with beautiful Koi fish, ducks and sparrows. When I am good, when I wake early enough to take the time...this is where I run. When I hit the trail it is around 5:30 or so but it is still dark at this time of year. The glassy surface of the water reflects the ambient light of the city bouncing off of low laying clouds. I am surrounded by water and acres upon acres of life springing from the ground in one form or another...the earth is quiet...still slowly rising from the nights slumber.
At first as I start out the air feels bitter cold and I have to hide my hands in my sleeves to keep my fingers warm. My lungs send sharp pangs inside me as the cold air is drawn deeply into them. The muscles in my legs suddenly feel as though I have inflated them with lead and after a few hundred feet they are not wanting to continue. About a half of a mile in it seems as though every cell in my body is screaming at me to just stop and walk. "It's not like you're moving much faster than a walk anyway.", they scream in sarcastic unison. This is when it happens, this is my moment of decision. If I slow to a walk it is all over....I am defeated. But If I continue...if I move forward with a prayer on my lips...Then my favorite part of the day has begun.
My lungs hurt, my joints are stiff, I am cold, my muscles are heavy and I want to walk back to the car. Until I say these quiet words in my heart, "Lord please bless me to keep going. Help me to focus on you and what is most important." My focus shifts as I begin to pray about the day before me. What should I say, where should I go, who can I be a friend to? Then the prayers shift again and I'm thinking of my loved ones, considering their needs and wants as well as how I can be there for them. I am contemplating my life now, my very heart and the decisions that are ahead of me when I realize I'm not tired anymore. In fact, I am moving faster and have gone farther than I expected to. My breath is steady and regular and my muscles feel warm and relaxed. Every inch of my being is moving forward with my thoughts and prayers.
That is where I meet him then...my Savior. Out there in the darkness on that silent trail. I reflect on Him and His blessed presence in my life. Thank Him fore His gifts poured out on me with such love. I look up to the mountains and see the sky starting to fill with daylight. I see the birds glide across the still waters and smell the sweet odor of crops growing in the field. I am awake and alive, I am in the presence of my Heavenly Father and He is giving me the strength to keep moving when I would fail on my own.
It is here that I am reminded of His strength to carry me. His ability to see far beyond my mortal eyes into the depths of eternity. In this land where I see next to nothing, He speaks to my heart and shows me that He sees it all and has a plan. I cannot doubt, I cannot fear, I must ignore what 'reason' would say is true. Because while I am only a being made to reason, He is a God of wonders.
As I near the end of my run I am filled with peace and joy. I have had my morning meeting and discussed the issues facing me. I have solicited His care and protection over myself and my loved ones. I have been reminded that my limitations are not His own, and with Him I can accomplish anything He deems necessary and right and true. I never walk (or run) alone.
This is what I hope and pray for you. Find that one thing....the something that you think you cannot accomplish, or perhaps you are afraid you will fail. Maybe it's a physical thing, but maybe it is not. Maybe it is a task you feel is beyond your skills or an emotional weight that seems too heavy to lift, whatever it is your heart knows it. Right now, if you are being honest, you know what it is. Take in a deep painful breath and start moving your lead ridden feet forward. Whisper a prayer to your Heavenly Father to keep you moving in the right direction. I promise you this, if you step out and move forward, if you are willing to push through the reason in your head that tells you to give it up and walk away, you will not be running your race alone. You will not be without strength to get you where you are needing to go. He is waiting to meet with you....you just have to be willing to dedicate the time and put in the energy and most of all....trust that He will not let you fail.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
On Home, Family and Chuppah Making
Several months back my bff and I were talking about her upcoming wedding. She was looking online for a chuppah for the ceremony and could not find something that felt right. Being a best friend I of course got online and began researching with her. Jess was totally right. There were some pretty chuppahs online, but they were either much too simple or ornate to fit her style. They just didn't speak to the significance and beauty I knew she would want it to posses. Plus, for the most part they were hugely expensive. As I was looking online I began praying, "Lord, what would be best for Jess and Charlie? If there's something out there that would fit them please help either her or I to find it so she won't be stressed about it. Show me what would work." Then as I looked at photo after photo, slowly an idea began to form in my mind. A picture of what felt like a perfect fit for Jess and Charlie and the commitment they felt to their Heavenly Father and future life together. After another hour or so of looking, I had found nothing like what I could see in my minds eye. Being a poor artist and a bit afraid she would hate the idea, I hesitatingly drew out what I saw in my mind. A simple square with intertwined wedding rings, the wedding date centered in the bands and surrounding them the phrase, "I have found the one in whom my soul delights." I sent Jess a picture of my idea and was super surprised at her response. Both she and Charlie really liked it. "I think I can just make it for you.", I calmly replied. It was decided, I was to make the chuppah.
I am by no means a talented seamstress. My skill level sits right at 'I do well enough to make things that are not hideous....mostly'; because of this I do not sew on a regular basis. I do however love the act of making any gift for someone I love. I truly enjoy the time spent working at the task, considering the person I am making it for. How will they like it most? Will they be able to feel my love for them when they look at it? How can I make it best fit who they are in their heart of hearts? I love sitting and working on the item while I pray over the person it is intended for. I like to imagine all of the love and prayers that are put into the gift will make up for the flaws that I am sure will exist in the final product. Needless to say, I prayed quite a bit over this chuppah. By the time my hours of cutting, sewing and stitching on beads were done I had come to love this representation of Jess and Charlie's future home. I loved the spiritual and cultural significance behind it, what it represented to them and how honored I was to have had such a huge part in the building of it. I was also terrified the end result would not be what she had pictured in her mind and she would find herself disappointed in my efforts. I knew Jess was too sweet to ever let me know if she did not love it, so I prayed all the harder that God would bless it to be just right for both she and Charlie. I knew in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't ruin their day, but I wanted my part to be worthy of the love they were celebrating. I was very much thankful and relieved when they were both happy with the outcome.
By this point you are probably wondering what the thunder this has to do with home and family. Well, everything really. The tie in is coming I promise.
All in all with planning, shopping, cutting, sewing and beading the chuppah took about 50hrs to complete. That's a lot of hours to pray for and contemplate the future of Jess and Charlie and their sweet family. Sometimes during my contemplation my mind would wander to the concepts of family and home in general. What makes a family? What is it to build a home together? What are the joys and trials that come with that process? There are so many unseen ties that need to be made. So many chances each person must be willing to take. Ones that can be super risky, especially at the onset. How does one get to the point where they are willing to say, "I will risk complete failure and heartbreak for just the chance that this could be as fantastic as I am thinking it may be."?
I am someone who likes control, especially over my heart. Unless you are a child you do not get a free pass into my inner sanctuary, especially if you are someone who I could become severely attached to only to lose. Okay, yeah I know in my head that is not the best way to be....but my head and my heart tend to speak two different languages sometimes. It just is a fact I have to struggle with as an individual. Because of that fact even the thought of giving up possible control of what I'm thinking/feeling toward someone and being willing to share that without first having some major assurances is freakishly terrifying to me. But the truth is those risks are required all of the time in building families and homes. Because who can possibly hurt us more than the ones we rely on the most, and who can ever build us up more than those in who's presence we are most at home?
So, here is my point in all of this rambling. I want to not be afraid to not know what will come of something. I want to be willing to jump and let The Lord make it what He will. I want to have that perfect love which is the absence of fear, with everyone and not just with my best friends and the innocent children in my life. I want to know that I can look at someone and think, "Yeah, lets just see. I'm willing to risk it." I want to put as much of my heart into a possibility as I put into Jess' chuppah, just to hand it over with nothing but the hope that it is exactly what they were needing at just the right moment.
I am by no means a talented seamstress. My skill level sits right at 'I do well enough to make things that are not hideous....mostly'; because of this I do not sew on a regular basis. I do however love the act of making any gift for someone I love. I truly enjoy the time spent working at the task, considering the person I am making it for. How will they like it most? Will they be able to feel my love for them when they look at it? How can I make it best fit who they are in their heart of hearts? I love sitting and working on the item while I pray over the person it is intended for. I like to imagine all of the love and prayers that are put into the gift will make up for the flaws that I am sure will exist in the final product. Needless to say, I prayed quite a bit over this chuppah. By the time my hours of cutting, sewing and stitching on beads were done I had come to love this representation of Jess and Charlie's future home. I loved the spiritual and cultural significance behind it, what it represented to them and how honored I was to have had such a huge part in the building of it. I was also terrified the end result would not be what she had pictured in her mind and she would find herself disappointed in my efforts. I knew Jess was too sweet to ever let me know if she did not love it, so I prayed all the harder that God would bless it to be just right for both she and Charlie. I knew in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't ruin their day, but I wanted my part to be worthy of the love they were celebrating. I was very much thankful and relieved when they were both happy with the outcome.
By this point you are probably wondering what the thunder this has to do with home and family. Well, everything really. The tie in is coming I promise.
All in all with planning, shopping, cutting, sewing and beading the chuppah took about 50hrs to complete. That's a lot of hours to pray for and contemplate the future of Jess and Charlie and their sweet family. Sometimes during my contemplation my mind would wander to the concepts of family and home in general. What makes a family? What is it to build a home together? What are the joys and trials that come with that process? There are so many unseen ties that need to be made. So many chances each person must be willing to take. Ones that can be super risky, especially at the onset. How does one get to the point where they are willing to say, "I will risk complete failure and heartbreak for just the chance that this could be as fantastic as I am thinking it may be."?
I am someone who likes control, especially over my heart. Unless you are a child you do not get a free pass into my inner sanctuary, especially if you are someone who I could become severely attached to only to lose. Okay, yeah I know in my head that is not the best way to be....but my head and my heart tend to speak two different languages sometimes. It just is a fact I have to struggle with as an individual. Because of that fact even the thought of giving up possible control of what I'm thinking/feeling toward someone and being willing to share that without first having some major assurances is freakishly terrifying to me. But the truth is those risks are required all of the time in building families and homes. Because who can possibly hurt us more than the ones we rely on the most, and who can ever build us up more than those in who's presence we are most at home?
So, here is my point in all of this rambling. I want to not be afraid to not know what will come of something. I want to be willing to jump and let The Lord make it what He will. I want to have that perfect love which is the absence of fear, with everyone and not just with my best friends and the innocent children in my life. I want to know that I can look at someone and think, "Yeah, lets just see. I'm willing to risk it." I want to put as much of my heart into a possibility as I put into Jess' chuppah, just to hand it over with nothing but the hope that it is exactly what they were needing at just the right moment.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
On Painting for Love
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
Galatians 6:9
What does it mean to love someone and how do you show it? This is a question that presented itself to me this last week when I found myself scrubbing doors and baseboards in my home. There is a book out there that discusses the topic of 'love languages'. It's a decent read and postulates the theory that there are five distinct ways that humans communicate love; through words, actions, gifts, time and touch. The concept is that each person communicates and receives love through one or two primary channels and if you are attempting to show love through a different channel they may not recognize/acknowledge that love as you intended. Hence, in order to completely communicate our love with one another we must recognize how we receive love and how the other person receives love. (example: If you receive love best through time spent with you and I only tell you how much I love you, you will not feel the love that I am expressing to you. On the flip side, if you spend all day with me and don't tell you how much you love me I may not feel your expression of love to me if I am someone who needs to hear the words.)
For the most part I do not disagree with what this concept. I think it is important to pay attention to how you express and receive love. I also believe it is equally important to pay attention to how those you care about express and receive love. To me it is a part of emotional communication that is necessary in any type of relationship. (Now here comes the rear end) But...I believe this book misses out on something too. I believe in order for a complete and perfect expression of love to exist there must also be love expressed in the smallest of details that may never be recognized by the other person. Love does not only exist when the other person recognizes it, it exists in it's purest form when your words/actions cannot and may never be seen. It is built on foundations that lie deep beneath the surface of what is obvious to others. Its strength is in the constant and often ignored details. Those things that are said/done for no other reason than to benefit the bond you are seeking to create. There are so many examples I can draw from here, but I would like to share the one that struck me as I was crouched on the floor of my hallway scrubbing dust from unseen corners.
This last week was my fall break and as I had no plans to travel I determined it was time to buckle down and begin repainting the interior of the house. It hasn't been done in quite a few years and the walls were showing significant signs of wear, but up until now I have not had the gumption to begin such a daunting task. I decided with a full week before me surely I could accomplish two rooms and a hallway. The trick with painting though is you never realize how time consuming it will be until you begin the job and realize, you have to deep clean everything before you slap on new paint, there are cabinets that need removed and furniture that needs to be worked around, there are switch plates and fixtures that need removed and cleaned before being returned...the list grows as you dig deeper in. Once I had the walls in the bathroom done I realized with dismay that the baseboards really needed a fresh coat of paint as well, then when that was done I realized the door looked pretty dingy. On the afternoon of day four I found myself with the bathroom done and the hallway walls painted. I decided the hallway baseboards needed done as well and thought, "I will just quickly wash the doors and their moldings at the same time. Then it will all look fresh and clean."
Half way through the cleaning job I am irritated that I started it. It is taking forever and the result only shows me how much I need to cover all of it with a new coat of paint. I have only revealed for myself the need for more time and work to be put into this project. I think to myself, "Why not just leave it as is, who would care. I only set out to finish the walls, why add in so much extra effort for something that won't even be noticed by most people who come in the house." As I am struggling with the lazy part of me that doesn't want to add on to my growing list of chores, this tiny thought enters the back of my mind like a ninja time bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode and change everything I am thinking/feeling: "Who put in these baseboards in the first place? Why did they put forth the effort? Was it worth it to them?" The answers come quickly. My cousin Bob built this home, out of love for his wife and his future family and if I asked him today I am confident he would say it was worth every exhausting moment. With the answers comes my reflection on love in it's most fundamental albeit mundane form.
The home I live in is owned by my cousin Bob. After many years of living a Godly and single life he married his wife and built her this home through funds saved during his single years. He built this home with his own sweat and love for her and their future as a family. The friends and family members who helped him do so, put in their hours out of love for them. Cement was poured, walls framed, tiles grouted, fixtures hung and baseboards painted....all in love. Work that is not fun, holds no glory and is most quickly forgotten or passed over; but was not accomplished without the desire to express complete dedication, affection and a hope for the future.
While I lay there on the floor scrubbing dirt and layers of faded paint away I considered the hours of life and energy that went into the building and maintaining of this home. An imperfect building made into a perfect home because of the love put into it. I considered all of the boring, time consuming and mundane tasks performed in this home on a regular basis. The sweeping, moping, dishes, landscaping and handiwork that goes regularly unnoticed. Why do we do it all? Yes, partly it is done to maintain a sanitary living space but there's more to it than that. Or at least there should be more to it. There should be a greater purpose in these chores we put ourselves through, there should be love in them, even if that love is never noticed or recognized by those we live with and do it for. We should put it in there for them regardless of their seeing it or not. Because it is the love we put into what we say/do, not how much they receive, that helps our bonds to strengthen and grow.
As the mental time bomb exploded and cleared my mind, I found this new realization dawning, " I am not cleaning and painting all of this just because it needs to be done. I am doing it because I love the owners of this home and want to maintain the building they have built out of their love. I am doing it because I love my niece and roommate and want to give them a beautiful and secure home to live in. I am doing it because with every stroke of the paintbrush I am telling them I love them and want to take care of their needs as best I can. If that is not my purpose in all of this, I should just stop now, because there is no other purpose worth this much time and energy. And it doesn't matter if they never see this as an expression of love, because the expression exists regardless of their recognition of it."
The task in front of me did not become any less daunting or frustrating after this revelation. The work did not fly by magically because I had realized its greater purpose. It was just as difficult, tiring and irritating as ever. But in my moments of exhaustion and frustration I thought of the faces of the loved ones I was doing it for and my desire to throw in the towel went away. And while they may never consciously know it, I will look at each surface and remember how much I care for them and that knowledge will inspire me to say/do more to show that love in other ways.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
On Questions
Matthew 14:25-31
In English the definition of crisis is: a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger. But in Chinese the word for crisis is wei-ji (or chi). Wei meaning 'danger' and ji (chi) meaning 'crucial/critical point'. I love the Chinese definition because it is not simply a moment fraught with fear and danger, it also holds the potential for growth and change. If one is at a dangerous critical point it implies they have a decision to make and that decision may fundamentally change their future. So a moment of crisis becomes a moment of opportunity. It still possesses potential for failure and loss but maintains a hope of something better to come.
I have been considering this word crisis in relation to one's spiritual life. There is a tendency to see a 'crisis of faith' as the worst possible thing that could happen to someone. As if when faced with such a crisis the person is doomed to utter loss and ultimate failure if those who are of strong faith don't forcibly pull them into safety. I would argue that thought process is believed to be based in love, but is truly based in fear.
In my minds eye I see the iconic image of a fishing vessel tossed about on the waves of a great sea by an endless storm. Inside of the boat is safety and security and outside of it is what appears to be certain death. The majority watch the storm, looking to help pull to safety anyone who is trapped in the merciless waters below, but a few look out and wonder, "Is the storm truly that bad?". Perhaps someone, whether drawn away and blinded by their own desires or called to accomplish something the others cannot yet see or understand, steps out of the safety of the vessel into the wildness of the crashing waves. Out of love and concern those still within the ship call out, cry, beg and grasp for their loved one...afraid they will never be seen again. Afraid they should have done more, should have seen them walking to the edge and given warning sooner. Perhaps they have been calling and holding on for awhile, to no avail.
I wonder when Peter walked to the edge of the ship...what were those with him thinking? Were they confident with the knowledge that Christ was in power and would keep Peter above the waves or were they thinking and telling him he was crazy and should never step out into certain death? Did they warn him to stay in the safety of the ship or encourage him to follow their Savior? He asked The Lord for something greater and was given a calling that required all of his focus and faith to accomplish. It required him seeing and believing in something greater than the security of what he understood as safe and best. He was in a moment of a great 'crisis of faith' and he had to make a choice. On the one hand his current level of faith and understanding and on the other hand the potential for death or spiritual growth that would fundamentally change the course of his life.
Peter did not walk on water, he stepped out and was instantly overcome by the strength of the storm surrounding him. In fear his faith wavered and he began to sink into the depths of the sea. What were the thoughts of his brothers still in the boat I wonder....I can imagine what my thoughts would be. A combination of terror for his safety and smugness in knowing I was right that it could not be accomplished and he should have stayed where he belonged.
The thing is...even though Peter immediately 'missed the mark' (side note: the word sin in Hebrew means to miss the mark) and began to sink, he also knew who to turn to for help. He cried to his Savior to lift him up and save him. Immediately Christ was at his side raising him from certain death. Here's the kicker, after bringing him up out of the sea Jesus did not chide Peter for asking to step into the storm and walk on water. He only chided Peter for failing to believe He had all power over that which could destroy him. He didn't say, "Peter you idiot why would you ever think you could ever step out of that boat and overcome the wind and waves, you are not the Son of God." instead he said, "Peter why would you doubt my power to hold you up in the midst of this storm?". He wasn't upset that Peter had a 'crisis of faith' he was upset that Peter did not trust Him during that crisis.
I know there are many of you who are or will be going through your own 'crisis of faith'. I have mine just as you have yours. I cannot decide for you and get you through them any more than you can for me. What I can do is assure you of what I believe is true. Your Heavenly Father is not afraid of your questions, nor your 'crisis of faith' in fact, I believe, He welcomes the opportunity to help you grow stronger through them. As long as you are asking His direction through them He will show you when and where is the right time to step out in faith. As long as you know to call out to Him for salvation when you miss the mark, He will lift you out of the waves threatening to cover you. He does not expect you to remain in stagnant safety and security forever, He expects you to seek His guidance and believe that He has all power to hold you above the storm.
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