On Living an Amazingly Single Life

  

     I am thirty-two years old and am happily single.  I have been single for the vast majority of my adult life and I would not change that for the world.  This post is not about what is better, single or married life.  It's not about me proving to anyone that I am content as I am.  I feel no need to prove anything to anyone.  This is merely me wanting to give my two cents worth on the experiences I have had as a single adult.

     In my years as a single woman I have had various and sundry comments from friends, family members and church brothers/sisters, comments that I truly believe were well intentioned and made out of true love and concern for my happiness. These comments although said with the best of intentions only caused sadness, an erosion of emotional stability, and questioning of basic self worth. I would like to share with you those comments and help you see them through the eyes of a single person.  My intent here is not to throw the love and concern of any one person back in their face, only to help show how your expression of love is actually heard by someone who is living a single life.  Here are some examples:

#1.) 

 What is said:   "I know this may be hard sometimes, but I am praying for you that God will send you someone too." (said while patting my shoulder or leg while at some couples event or wedding)

What is heard:  "I see that you are alone in life and I assume you must be so sad to be alone that you cannot find joy in the love of those around you.  I am praying for you that God will send you someone to fill the obvious hole in your life so that you can finally enjoy these type of events."

What I'm Actually Feeling:  I am super excited and overflowing with happiness and joy.  I am tearing up because I am thinking of the love surrounding me and how blessed I am to be a part of it.  I haven't actually considered the fact that I am single or compared my happiness to those around me until you felt the need to point it out to me.  What you intended to be a word of encouragement has actually been the single catalyst that has reminded me of my unmarried state and made me feel like maybe I should be comparing my level of happiness to that of the people surrounding me who are in a relationship. 

#2.)

What is said:  "Don't give up hope, I know God has someone special for you."

What is heard: " You seem down and depressed and I am afraid you think you will never marry.  Don't worry I have a personal witness from God that you will marry at some point in time.  Just take my word for it and you can be happy."

What I'm Actually Feeling:  You have assumed several things about my life.  You have decided that I am not happy even though I personally have not expressed that to you in any way.  You have decided that the reason for my perceived unhappiness must be my single status and not something else in my life which implies to me that you see nothing else of importance in my life for me to be concerned or worried about.  You have also decided that even though there are many people in the world who live completely happy lives without a mate, that will not be my story because you know I will marry even if I don't know that yet.  Finally, through this statement you are implying to me that there can be nothing more important I am hoping for in life than to 'find a man'.

#3.)
What is said:  "When I finally gave up searching and got things in order in my life, that's when I found my spouse."

What is heard: "You are just too desperate and your personal life is a mess that's why you haven't found anyone yet.  If you would work on yourself and stop focusing on finding someone then your mate would magically appear."

What I'm Actually Feeling:  By making this statement you are unknowingly judging both my status in life as well as whether or not I am currently looking for a mate.  You think you have given me great advise because it happened to ring true in your life.  What you do not see is that I have not been actively seeking a mate and my personal life is in order as evidenced by my ability to successfully care for myself for a significant number of years.  When you make this statement, instead of being reassuring as you may have intended, you have started an internal domino effect that will cause me to question every thought and action in my life and wonder where I have some huge flaw that needs to be 'fixed' so that I can have the 'magical' moment you did.

#4.)
What is said: "There is no greater blessing or gift one can be given or give than the gift of life.  The church needs strong families full of children.  Our families are the future of the church.  Children are our greatest blessings." (Sometimes expressed in other words, but a similar sentiment.  I have heard this both in conversation and over the pulpit.)

What is heard: "Since children are the greatest blessing one can have and families are the strength and future of the church you are pretty much useless to the church in your current status as a single female.  You have nothing to give to the growth and strength of the church until you are married and bearing children."

What I'm Actually Feeling: Why do I even serve in any capacity if it will never be good enough or worth anything until I am attached to a man and bearing children?  Are there not wonderful things I can contribute to the work of the gospel on my own as a single woman?  Are there not things I can do and ways I can serve that married women cannot?  Why am I even here if I'm no good to the church on my own merit? 

#5.)
What is said: "You're just too picky.  That's the problem with single women over the age of 26, they are either too picky or desperate."

What is heard: "You should have just picked someone by now because at this point whoever you settle on we will assume you only chose him because you are desperate."

What I'm Actually Feeling: I'm so confused by this statement as it contradicts itself on every level.  You have first told me I could be married if I wasn't such a picky person and had settled for whatever options have come my way, regardless of whether that person was the right fit for me.  Then you immediately state that women my age are also desperate, which implies they will take anyone who comes along.  So.....because I didn't marry anyone who came along I am too picky, but if I should do what you suggest you will immediately label me as desperate?  I have now stopped listening to any advise you give as it is clearly ridiculous.

     There are many other comments that I could put in here, but this is a sampling of what is heard most often.  To anyone who may have made these comments to me over the years...I do not harbor any ill feelings because I know you said it with love in your heart.  I firmly believe you just did not understand what your words meant to me.  To anyone in the future who says them....well...I know you know now...so be ready to hear some strait up truth coming from me about it.  And to those of you reading this who have single adult family members or friends please read the next paragraph closely.

     I am a thirty two year old single female....and I love my life!  I do not waste my hours pinning away wishing I were married or agonizing over my single status.  It is true that I have rare moments in time when I wish I didn't have to take care of all the responsibilities of life alone.  It is true that I have rare moments in time when I would love to have one best friend to come home to and talk about the day and my internal fears/concerns with and then make love to. It is also true that I do not believe I am missing out on any amount of love, laughter or joy in my life because I am unmarried.  God doesn't put less love or happiness in my life because I am without a mate, He just gives me more of other kinds of love.  While married women are caring for their babies and/or husbands I get to sponsor youth activities, have sleep overs with my best friends' kiddos, visit loved ones out of state and randomly decide to have dinner with church members on a week night. When my married friends are taking care of their children's education I am sharing friendship and love with my co-workers and others I meet through my job, I have extra time to volunteer with community events and be a basketball coach.  My life story is no less or more happy than your own, it's just my story and not yours.  Just as you have to choose and work for happiness in your married life, I have to choose and work for happiness in my single one.  Someday if The Lord wills it, I will be glad to be married and have children of my own but that is not when my happiness and my story will begin.  It will only be a new chapter to my story that is already being written....and I refuse to skip ahead when this chapter is such a good one.