And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
Galatians 6:9
What does it mean to love someone and how do you show it? This is a question that presented itself to me this last week when I found myself scrubbing doors and baseboards in my home. There is a book out there that discusses the topic of 'love languages'. It's a decent read and postulates the theory that there are five distinct ways that humans communicate love; through words, actions, gifts, time and touch. The concept is that each person communicates and receives love through one or two primary channels and if you are attempting to show love through a different channel they may not recognize/acknowledge that love as you intended. Hence, in order to completely communicate our love with one another we must recognize how we receive love and how the other person receives love. (example: If you receive love best through time spent with you and I only tell you how much I love you, you will not feel the love that I am expressing to you. On the flip side, if you spend all day with me and don't tell you how much you love me I may not feel your expression of love to me if I am someone who needs to hear the words.)
For the most part I do not disagree with what this concept. I think it is important to pay attention to how you express and receive love. I also believe it is equally important to pay attention to how those you care about express and receive love. To me it is a part of emotional communication that is necessary in any type of relationship. (Now here comes the rear end) But...I believe this book misses out on something too. I believe in order for a complete and perfect expression of love to exist there must also be love expressed in the smallest of details that may never be recognized by the other person. Love does not only exist when the other person recognizes it, it exists in it's purest form when your words/actions cannot and may never be seen. It is built on foundations that lie deep beneath the surface of what is obvious to others. Its strength is in the constant and often ignored details. Those things that are said/done for no other reason than to benefit the bond you are seeking to create. There are so many examples I can draw from here, but I would like to share the one that struck me as I was crouched on the floor of my hallway scrubbing dust from unseen corners.
This last week was my fall break and as I had no plans to travel I determined it was time to buckle down and begin repainting the interior of the house. It hasn't been done in quite a few years and the walls were showing significant signs of wear, but up until now I have not had the gumption to begin such a daunting task. I decided with a full week before me surely I could accomplish two rooms and a hallway. The trick with painting though is you never realize how time consuming it will be until you begin the job and realize, you have to deep clean everything before you slap on new paint, there are cabinets that need removed and furniture that needs to be worked around, there are switch plates and fixtures that need removed and cleaned before being returned...the list grows as you dig deeper in. Once I had the walls in the bathroom done I realized with dismay that the baseboards really needed a fresh coat of paint as well, then when that was done I realized the door looked pretty dingy. On the afternoon of day four I found myself with the bathroom done and the hallway walls painted. I decided the hallway baseboards needed done as well and thought, "I will just quickly wash the doors and their moldings at the same time. Then it will all look fresh and clean."
Half way through the cleaning job I am irritated that I started it. It is taking forever and the result only shows me how much I need to cover all of it with a new coat of paint. I have only revealed for myself the need for more time and work to be put into this project. I think to myself, "Why not just leave it as is, who would care. I only set out to finish the walls, why add in so much extra effort for something that won't even be noticed by most people who come in the house." As I am struggling with the lazy part of me that doesn't want to add on to my growing list of chores, this tiny thought enters the back of my mind like a ninja time bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode and change everything I am thinking/feeling: "Who put in these baseboards in the first place? Why did they put forth the effort? Was it worth it to them?" The answers come quickly. My cousin Bob built this home, out of love for his wife and his future family and if I asked him today I am confident he would say it was worth every exhausting moment. With the answers comes my reflection on love in it's most fundamental albeit mundane form.
The home I live in is owned by my cousin Bob. After many years of living a Godly and single life he married his wife and built her this home through funds saved during his single years. He built this home with his own sweat and love for her and their future as a family. The friends and family members who helped him do so, put in their hours out of love for them. Cement was poured, walls framed, tiles grouted, fixtures hung and baseboards painted....all in love. Work that is not fun, holds no glory and is most quickly forgotten or passed over; but was not accomplished without the desire to express complete dedication, affection and a hope for the future.
While I lay there on the floor scrubbing dirt and layers of faded paint away I considered the hours of life and energy that went into the building and maintaining of this home. An imperfect building made into a perfect home because of the love put into it. I considered all of the boring, time consuming and mundane tasks performed in this home on a regular basis. The sweeping, moping, dishes, landscaping and handiwork that goes regularly unnoticed. Why do we do it all? Yes, partly it is done to maintain a sanitary living space but there's more to it than that. Or at least there should be more to it. There should be a greater purpose in these chores we put ourselves through, there should be love in them, even if that love is never noticed or recognized by those we live with and do it for. We should put it in there for them regardless of their seeing it or not. Because it is the love we put into what we say/do, not how much they receive, that helps our bonds to strengthen and grow.
As the mental time bomb exploded and cleared my mind, I found this new realization dawning, " I am not cleaning and painting all of this just because it needs to be done. I am doing it because I love the owners of this home and want to maintain the building they have built out of their love. I am doing it because I love my niece and roommate and want to give them a beautiful and secure home to live in. I am doing it because with every stroke of the paintbrush I am telling them I love them and want to take care of their needs as best I can. If that is not my purpose in all of this, I should just stop now, because there is no other purpose worth this much time and energy. And it doesn't matter if they never see this as an expression of love, because the expression exists regardless of their recognition of it."
The task in front of me did not become any less daunting or frustrating after this revelation. The work did not fly by magically because I had realized its greater purpose. It was just as difficult, tiring and irritating as ever. But in my moments of exhaustion and frustration I thought of the faces of the loved ones I was doing it for and my desire to throw in the towel went away. And while they may never consciously know it, I will look at each surface and remember how much I care for them and that knowledge will inspire me to say/do more to show that love in other ways.
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