On Chastening

     "...My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: for whom the Lord loveth He chastenith, and scourgeth every son whom he recieveth." -Hebrews 12:5&6   

     This post is not an easy one for me to admit to, because it very clearly shows my failings.  That being freely admitted I hope you will find forgiveness for those failings and learn from my weaknesses.  After all, the point of this entire blog is to share the very heart of me.  I cannot honestly endeavor to share myself if I refuse to share my moments of weakness as well as moments of strength.  Especially when those moments contain within them some of the most powerful examples of grace and love from the Lord.  So, here goes...

     This story begins Thanksgiving weekend 2003.  I had traveled to Phoenix to attend a church reunion and was fully enjoying my stay with family and friends while excitedly contemplating my plans for the future.  On Sunday afternoon I chose to take a small walk through the neighborhood around the church simply to drink in the sun and contemplate the lessons of the day.  As I walked the streets my eyes wandered to the beautiful mountains surrounding the city.  I was speaking with the Lord in my heart, thanking Him for the beauty of His creation when all at once as if sitting suspended over my view of the mountains I saw an image that I instantly knew was of a future time.  I was sitting at a dinning table surrounded by my children and my husband and we were preparing to eat.  As I looked on the scene I knew God was preparing a future for me in this desert.  I thought to myself, "Okay Lord, I never wanted to live in the desert but if this is your plan for someday then I am okay with it."  I didn't consider the image I had seen after that.  It was for someday far down the road, it did not impact my current plans or life in any way so I quickly pushed it to the back of my mind and the next day was back in Kansas City moving on with life.

     Over the next year I obtained a solid job with my university working in the financial aid department, I was finishing up my degree program and I had purchased my first home which was everything I could want or love in a home set on a hillside in farm country.  My life was full of church, family and friends.  I was on the right track.  But as the year went on I felt an unsettling in my heart and I found my thoughts turned toward the southwest. 

     Slowly I began to do research on jobs under the guise of a 'what if' scenario.  What if I did move there someday, where could I work?  Where might I live?  That year a group of my friends and I drove down to Phoenix for Thanksgiving weekend again.  There was no bolt of lightning, no trumpets sounding or booming voice telling me to move.  There was simply a growing fever burning in my heart and an image burnt on my mind imposed on the mountains.  I did my best to ignore this thought of moving.  Surely it was not the time, that was for a later date years and years down the road still.  I had a plan, I had a life in Missouri.  It was all so smooth and beautiful, surely God was not calling me here now?! 

     After returning home I could not get the thought out of my mind, "It's time to go."  I struggled through the winter with the decision.  I applied for several jobs at ASU and told the Lord if He wanted me there now He would need to prepare a job for me.  Of all the jobs I applied for, only one responded...the police department.  "I never want to work for a police department!", I thought, "This is ridiculous! I would hate the job completely."  I didn't want to even respond, but to show obedience I responded while praying, "Okay Lord, if this is where you want me I'll need your help to get this job."  Several months passed with me flying back and forth to take test after test, on each trip I was sure this would be the end of my trial and I would be able to stay in Missouri.  But a couple weeks later I would get a response that I had passed and when can we schedule the next test.  Finally, the last test loomed nearer and I felt sick to my stomach with the knowledge that I would pass yet again and be forced with the final decision to leave my home.  I knelt in my living room saddened, troubled and not a little bit stubborn and spent an entire afternoon in communion with my maker.  By the end of my long struggle I found myself broken, even more sad and completely at peace.  It was time to go.

     Moving across the country is never an easy task, but somehow everything fell into place perfectly and soon I was locked into a steady rhythm of day to day life.  I missed my home and farm country and seasons and family, but I had loved ones and family here too.  I was reunited with my dear cousin and childhood friend who became as close a sister to me as I ever could have hoped for had I been blessed with sisters.  I had her sweet babies to love on and great friends as well as a job I did not hate after all.  And in the back of my mind I had a promise of someday lingering in the distance.

     Then came the summer of 2009.  My dear Hedricks were leaving to go to Colorado.  The Lord had a work for them and they had their witness to go.  My dearest sister and friend, my babies and their father who was a confidant and trusted minister would no longer be a short drive away.  I dealt with the blow as gracefully as a broken hearted girl could do when faced with the knowledge that it was right in the Lord for them to go.  That year as I struggled with my loss I also had a loss of another kind.  The man I was dating, who I believed to be 'the one' did not turn out to be who I had thought.  I began to look for jobs in Colorado.  To dream of going to be with my Hedricks again.  I love the area they live in and would be more than happy to live there.  The nearby areas were hiring off and on, surely I could find something.  As I looked I began to pray for guidance.

     Have you ever prayed for the Lord to guide you but secretly begged Him to do what you want?  Well, that's what my prayers were and in my gut I knew they were wrong.  Heedless of the promises I had been given here and the knowledge that I was not truly seeking God's will but my own.  I began to investigate my options in earnest.  I was at the edge of applying for jobs several times but always felt held back by some unseen hand.  I would pray in those moments, "Please just tell me yes or no.", but a part of me was saying, "Just give me a yes so I won't feel guilty."  That year as reunion came I made a determination to fast and pray for a final word from the Lord on the topic.  In one of the sermons the minister said, "If you have a question to ask of the Lord, ask in faith and he will give you the answer you seek."  That's it! I knew for sure this was the weekend I would finally get my answer.  The days ticked by and with each meeting I sat in expectation of some word, sign or feeling...something that would for once put my mind to rest.  But nothing came.  Then it was the last service.  My ears and eyes strained with every effort to hear or see what the Lord would answer.  "Please Lord, I am listening." I cried in my heart.  Nothing.  Then the last song and prayer came.  "Here it is", I thought, "This must be the moment."  The Amen was said and no word had come.  No promised answer.  I left the service dejected and worn.  As I walked slowly to my house I struggled inside, "Why Lord, why won't you answer me? Have I not been faithful in asking?  Has my fast not been acceptable to you?  Where have I failed in my attempts to seek you?"  A faint image of a dinning table peeked into the corners of my mind, but I pushed it away thinking, "That is not what this is about!  That was for a later time, clearly there is no hope of that for me at this time."  The image then floated fully into the view of my consciousness, but again I rejected it and told myself to focus on the request at hand. 

     Again I addressed myself to the Lord, deliberately looking straight ahead to the mountains as I walked.  "Why won't you speak to me Lord?"  Then, as quiet as a whisper at the back of my mind and as loud as a burst of thunder from heaven I received my reply.  "Have I not promised a life for you here?"  My being, down to the marrow of my bones felt at once as frozen as ice and as shapeless as molten metal.  I could not form words, but my heart acknowledged the truth. "And why is that not good enough for you?"  There was the direct answer I was seeking, and the Lord was not pleased with me. I cannot explain to you how devastatingly crushed my entire being was.  I do not know how I made it home through the torrent of tears and apologies pouring out of me.  Of course I had been given a promise!  Why was I treating it like nothing?!  Why was I fighting to leave the very place I had been sent to with such great a promise as that?  Because in my weak an shortsighted self I did not see the result of His promise when I wanted it to be there.  Because I was impatient and attempted to make my own way instead of waiting on His perfect timing. 

     I entered my doorway and collapsed on the waiting ottoman.  I don't know how long I cried and apologized to the Lord for my impertinence.  Slowly as my strength drained away I was filled with a peace and love that told me I was forgiven.  As I continued to pray pouring my heart out to Him telling him of my loneliness and my fears, He comforted me with His spirit and restored my hope until I found myself at perfect rest.

     I still do not see that image in it's fullness.  I would like to tell you I never have moments of doubt, after that experience how could I right?  But I am a weak human and still have my moments of loneliness and fear, but I will never again ask to leave this desert He has sent me to for I know He has sent me for His good will and pleasure.  This testimony is not about who I will marry or if I will marry or when I will marry.  It's about my Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me a royal chewing out when I forget His promises to me.  It's about learning that whatever is in store for this life that He has given me, whatever trials or joys lie ahead, it is the life He has promised to me.  And that promise alone is enough, for no matter how slothful I may be to remember His promises they are never far from His thoughts.