On Failing

"I couldn't live up to her."  He had allowed himself that lapse into an urge that was thrown back like a wave from a rock.  He had not considered the alternative, the living down to a woman. -Warwick Deeping

I read that passage in a book today and it struck a chord in me.  It made me pause and ask haven't I found myself in that place before, being willing to live down to the level of a lesser man because it was easier than fighting to be worthy of a man to be lived up to?  I do not mean a lesser man in the sense of being unworthy of love and caring, but lesser in the sense that he chose to live far below the goal of his potential.  I know the answer is yes, and I know that in giving that answer I must admit that I was living below my own potential.  I was not a woman to be lived up to and in that weakness of character how could I ever hold out a helping hand to lift him out of himself?  The reality shames me.  In thinking I was somehow showing grace and love, I was living selfishly and for my own glory.  What else inspires you to take the easy road and give in to your personal romanticism but selfishness and pride? A dream of helping someone be greater than they wish to be?  Love would have stood on solid ground as an example, always beckoning but never faltering from the truth.  I failed myself and in doing so I failed him, it is a sorrow that cannot be changed only learned from.

My hope is to be found a woman worthy of being lived up to.  To someday find a man I must live up to.  That together standing on a firm foundation we will be examples to each other.  The one always encouraging the other to push harder and further than they thought possible.  Each moment inspired by my desire to be the best me possible and in turn be worthy of the best that he desires to be.  I recognize that union can never be without my constant focus on the Lord, always striving to be my best for Him.  Likewise it cannot be without his constant focus on the Lord, always striving to be the best for Him.  I recognize if that man never crosses my path, I am beautiful and perfect and whole so long as I am focusing on what is right and true.

I have 'lived down' for someone before, and I could not respect who I had become.  The inherent weakness in me that I knew was in control.  I have come out the other side and see my own stupidity for what it was.  I only hope as I find my sure footing, that the Lord grant me grace and mercy not to fail so again.  That I might be a light on a hill, His light.  And, if it is in His will, someday, I may find someone standing next to me helping me to hold tight as the waves of life crash around us.