He Sees Me

Depending on how many of my posts you may have previously read, you may or may not be aware that I am a firm believer in God.  Not only in God as an almighty being who created the world, but as the three in one (Father, Spirit, Son) who is all knowing and omnipotent and actively involved in each of our lives.  So while you may chalk it up as some cornball hoax or imaginary invention of a grieving mind, the story I am about to tell you is very true and was a miracle that changed the course of my entire life.  If you have ever wondered about the miracles of God or the vastness of His grace to us....this is my firsthand knowledge of the depths of his mercy and grace.

It was my freshmen year of college and my Aunt and Uncle in northern Minnesota had opened their home to me while I attended Bemidji State University.  At the beginning of the year my dearest grandfather passed away and I was unable to attend his funeral.  Then I received word that my parents were having problems with their relationship.  To pay for school I was working two full time jobs which meant I was waking up at 3:30am for work and did not get home again until about 11:30pm.  It was winter in northern Minnesota so when I left the house it was silent and dark and when I got home it was the same.  I did not notice while it was happening, but I was sinking into a pretty dark depression.  I started failing in my classes and literally told myself, "As long as you are still doing a good job at work, you are okay."  I gained approximately 25 pounds in three months and hated everything about myself.

For reasons I will not go into at this juncture I had lived most of my mere 18 years of life with the understanding that I was really a pretty disgusting creature who was unworthy of love and not very special in any way. I convinced myself that I must be a pretty great actress because everyone thought I was so smart, kind and loving.  But I guarded myself every minute against anyone seeing who I really was underneath, because if they ever saw how ugly I was inside they would never love me.  I would literally tell myself how hideous I was and how no one could love me if they really knew me.

One night early in the spring I came home to find a letter from my father.  Not wanting to wake anyone by turning on lights I went into the bathroom to read it.  I opened the letter to find my father going on and on about how proud he was of me and what a beautiful young woman I had become.  The more I read the more I felt like I was suffocating under an unseen weight that pressed down on me.  How could he think I was so wonderful when I knew how dirty and mean and disgusting I was? I couldn't stand it anymore, the weight was so heavy I couldn't even breathe.  I began to hyperventilate as I sat on the floor and cried.  I didn't even know how to pray or what to ask for.  I sat there on the cold floor for almost an hour and just cried to God begging Him to help me.  "I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't know what to do.  Please take it from me, I can't carry this pain anymore."  When I could finally get myself under control I washed my face and went to bed where I quietly cried myself to sleep.

Sometime in the night I was awoken by talking.  I couldn't tell where it was coming from and I couldn't understand the words.  There were two voices talking.  The first pleading, almost crying and the second answering back.  It was so beautiful I wanted to hear what words they were saying.  I thought maybe it was my Aunt and Uncle talking so I decided to get up and listen at the top of the stairs.  As I began to sit up I was told, "Be still, just listen"  I laid back down and tears welled to my eyes as I heard the first voice begin pleading again.  "It's so beautiful, I have to hear the words," I thought and I went to get up again.  A second time I was told, "Be still and listen".  This time I laid back and let the sounds of the voices wash over me.  The first concerned and pleading the response calm and direct.  I listened until I fell back asleep.

I woke with the sun streaming in my window.  The house was quiet and, for the first time since I was a child, so was my heart.  I smiled and felt the strangest thing wash over me...joy.  Pure and unadulterated joy and peace filled my being.  I decided right then and there it was time to start running.  If I was going to like my body I would have to put in some time to care for it.  I went downstairs and prepared myself for a run.

My plans were almost derailed as I saw storm clouds moving in.  I decided if I shortened my run I would still be able to do something so I changed my route and headed out.  I remember how beautiful the pine trees looked bathed in shafts of golden light that fell through the steel grey storm clouds.  I must have gotten caught up in the beauty because before I got back to the driveway I was already being rained on.  "Well," I thought, "since I am already wet I may as well go on."

As I ran on past the drive I prayed to the Lord in my mind.  I went over the experience from the night before and asked He let me somehow know what it was that others saw in me that I could not see.  As I ran I looked down at my hands moving in time with my legs and was struck with how amazing it was that my body worked in such perfect time.  What happened next I am not sure how to explain.

Have you ever seen a TV show or movie where they cut away and show the inner workings of a persons body?  That is what I saw first.  I remember I looked down at my hands moving with my body and thought, "How amazing that everything inside me moves so perfectly in motion."  Then it was as if I saw into my body.  I could see my blood flowing, my lungs moving in and out with every breath, my heart beating and my muscles contracting with every movement.  I barely had time to be amazed when the next thing I saw was myself.  But not myself like in a mirror, it was a scene of me talking with someone but I saw me through their eyes, then I saw me helping others, but from their viewpoint.  I felt what they felt toward me, I thought what they thought of me. Then, and this was the most wonderful of all, I saw me in those same situations through the eyes of God.  I felt what He felt towards me.  It could have been a matter of seconds, it could have been an hour that passed by I do not know.  The next thing I remember is running down the driveway toward the house.  I went inside and straight to the bathroom trying to comprehend what I had just seen and felt.  As I looked up from the sink I saw myself in the mirror and barely recognized the woman looking back at me.  I was beautiful!  The smile on my face had not been so happy and free in as long as I could remember.  I stared into the mirror and whispered, "You made me so beautiful."

While there was an immediate change in my heart and mind, it took quite a while for me to fully process what had happened to me that night/day and what a miracle it truly was.  I very quickly learned that if I was going to keep from sliding back into the habit of putting myself down I had to actively reinforce the good in my life that God had shown me.  For nearly two years I struggled with having to constantly refute the discouraging thoughts that had become habit for me.  Some friends became irritated that I began actively complimenting myself on what I did well.  It was hard to explain to them that I was not trying to puff myself up, I was trying to train myself to see the good and not just the bad in me.

I very quickly realized the significance of God showing me my life through His and others' eyes, but the voices I had heard the night prior always confused me.  What was that all about?  What and who had I heard and why was it so moving to me when I couldn't even understand what was being said.  Then one day about a year after my experience I read a scripture that made it all clear and showed me all over again how amazing God had been to me in his mercy.

'Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.  And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26/27'

In my darkest place I had no words to pray.  I was sinking into depths I could not be saved from and in desperation cried out to my God to save me from myself.  I did not have the words, but the Spirit made intercession for me and my precious God in His great mercy allowed me to hear it's prayer to Him in groanings which cannot be uttered.

There was a time several years later when my Uncle Jim said he wished I had never gone up to Minnesota that year because it was so hard for me.  I smiled as I answered him saying, "I would not trade that one year for any other in my life."  You see, there was a greater purpose for that year.  I had to go through all of those things so that I could reach the point where I would allow God to show me who I was in His eyes.  Peace and Joy are gifts from God, and while I have had hard times since that miraculous day  I have never been without the joy and peace of God in my heart.  Sometimes I fall back into my old habits and question who I am or what I am doing.  Whether I am worth all the fuss....but I snap myself back out of it.  I remember the lesson I learned while running in the rain.  What a miracle it is that we are even alive and how perfectly God formed every cell in our body to work together for His glory.  I remind myself that He is ever near, He knows who I am....He sees me.