Muay Thai and Boys: In that Order

So, this is day two and I have a TON to share. As I promised I did indeed ask a certain male (who will remain nameless) about going out and I was amazed by the answer. Amazed because I was expecting and emotionally preparing for a turn down. You may wonder why I would expect that....and in time it will become clear to you, but for now we will not go into it all.

Anywhoo...the response, which made me ridiculously giddy, was that he would love too but we would have to plan another time as he is out of town this weekend. As soon as I read the words I felt like a tard, of course he's out of town half of my friends are out of town camping for Labor Day weekend. I would pick the impossible weekend to finally work up the courage to ask! However, there is a future meeting in the works...so all is well.

As for today's adventure! I have, for the last three months, been toying with the idea of learning some sort of street fighting or mixed martial arts. In fact, several weeks ago a friend of mine at work helped me pick out several options of reputable gyms and trainers in my area. As usual, I have delayed doing anything about it with excuses varying from, "Its too much extra money to spend." to "I would end up giving it up after a couple weeks anyway...I always do that".

Yesterday when I made my decision to begin this blog and string you along with me on my journey through 'lauraness' I made a concerted effort to search out the gyms near my home and select one to 'just try out' and report back to you today. I did my research, found the gym that looked like the best fit and called to let them know I would be in for the 10am Saturday morning class. I was on cloud nine, "I'm actually going to do this." I told myself, "And it's okay if I decide I don't like it". Then I piled in my car and headed toward work.

As I drove the 25 miles into work I started discussing with myself the pros and cons of trying out the gym. (for clarity I will refer to myself as X and Y) X: I work till three am, how will I get up and be to the class at 10am? Y: You will never know whether you like it if you don't try! X: But I never follow through on training plans like this, I always give it up a couple weeks in! In fact, I can't even follow healthy eating habits for more than a couple weeks without giving up! Y: Well, why do you think you give up? X: What?! How do I know?......Y: Laura, don't you think maybe you give up because you are sabotaging yourself? X: What?!! Why would I do that?....Y: Isn't it because you don't think you are worthy of being thin and beautiful? You do it every time, you know that you are giving up and you do it anyway...why don't you think you deserve to be your best?

It felt like a million bricks had just hit me. I felt sick to my stomach and was short of breath as my mind played over all the times I have had 'great plans' to better myself in some way and fallen short. Not because I couldn't accomplish my goal, but because some ugly part of myself told me I was not worthy to. 'How is this the first time I have realized what I do to myself?', I thought, 'How in thirty years of life have I continued living as a shadow of my full potential without recognizing the limits I put on myself?' Tears sprung to my eyes as I realized I would have to face this demon of mine head on or always fall just short of my abilities.

I called the only person I knew who would fully understand this random and earth shattering break through. As the phone rang I silently prayed to be able to just leave a voicemail, because the weight of my new discovery was too heavy to speak of without falling to pieces. Thankfully, it went to voice mail and I stuttered out a jumble of words trying to convey what I had just emotionally gone through. Then I had to put it out of my mind so that I could focus on work. I know I will be revisiting this demon of mine for quite a while....maybe for the rest of my life. But for the first time I recognize it's true self and know how to fight back.

This morning 9:30 came way too fast. As the alarm went off I lay in bed thinking, "You haven't had enough sleep. You aren't strong enough today to get through a full workout...just do it another day." NO! I screamed back. I know what you're about now, and you won't trick me anymore. I WILL get up and go, I don't care if I collapse on the floor while I'm there, I won't sabotage myself anymore with lame excuses!! I bolted out of bed and got myself to the gym.

I am by nature timid in new surroundings. I am sure my trepidation was written all over my face as I walked in the door. Thankfully Saturday's are small class days, so says my new coach, so there were only four of us in the entire gym. Paul, my new coach, is a Muay Thai champion from Thailand and has trained several champion fighters in California and Arizona. You wouldn't know it if you met him on the street. His smile is contagious and his bubbly laugh would make a lifelong biker gang member smile. He was friendly, but completely focused on giving me the best possible instructions on my form and footwork. By the end of the hour long class I was completely hooked. The movements somehow feel 'right' and natural. The work out is exhausting! I nearly passed out a couple times, possibly due to my lack of sleep and food, but I'm so glad I went. Score one for Laura, zero for her personal demons. :)

The coolest thing about today is I am so thrilled with my personal firsts that, until I sat down to write this post, I completely forgot about the 'boy'. How awesome is that!! Muay Thai...then boys...it's a great day!