Yesterday I had a rare opportunity and I happily jumped on it. Two of my friends with small children were miraculously kid free on the same night! If any of you have children of your own or friends with small children you will understand how rare of a coincidence this is and how important it is to optmize your use of the time. We settled on meeting for dinner at 8 (already getting late in the evening for a mother of 3yr olds or an old fogie like me) but this was a special evening. A chance to be individuals for a few hours, unencumbered by the needs and wants of a small life force that depends on you for everything. To just be three friends hanging out and having fun together.
We met at the designated location and stood there for about twenty minutes before even getting a table. Dang it all, it's Friday night before New Years!! What were we thinking? Just as I began wondering if we should have stayed in and ordered pizza our buzzer went off and we were in. Dinner was fun and easy with light hearted chatter that only involved the mention of children.....oh just about every ten minutes or so. You see, what no one tells a woman is that when she becomes a parent somehow everything is tied into that little life you gave birth to. You cannot (and honestly don't want to) escape them entirely. I was happy just to have the time to visit and I love their babies so much I never mind talking about them, but as dinner came to a close I felt an odd hesitation. What now? Dinner was over and it was almost 10pm. Ridiculously late now!! Was that it, would we just have a good dinner and that was the end of our rare moment in time?
Thankfully one of my friends mentioned that Yogurtini just happened to be across the way from the movie theatre. We could check out what movies were showing and at least get some froyo. Yesss!!! The yogurt and movie are unimportant, but the gut wrenching laughter and goofiness that ensues when three women who are used to being tucked in for the day hours earlier actually stay out till 2am is priceless. I have not laughed that long and hard since we took a girls trip to California this last fall. As I crawled into bed just after 2 and set my alarm for a mere 4hrs later I knew I would be in pain the entire next day, but the smile on my face and the joy in my heart at creating memories with dear friends was well worth it.
As I am typing this, my eyes are swollen and red, I have a fierce headache and dread every movement of my body....but I am reveling in the memory of fun times. And so thankful to have friends who share my definition of a wild night. :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Emotional Nudity and Terminal Loss
I have a co-worker/friend who for the sake of anonymity I will call Sven (I chose the name Sven because I love my Scandinavian roots and Sven is of course a very strong Scandinavian name.) today Sven asked for the link to my blog. I have to start by apologizing to you Sven because this post was supposed to be about you. It still is, kind of. But as I sit here writing and rewriting I am realizing it's about something more.
This spring there was born to my family a sweet new baby boy. Sebastian. A beautiful name don't you think? Sebastian was born healthy and strong and so beautiful into my youngest brother's family, the firstborn son. A couple days after he was born a call for prayers went out, there was an infection of an unknown origin, doctors call it neonatal sepsis. I was at work on a sunny spring day when I got a call from my mother. They were on their way to the hospital, the doctors called and asked them to come as soon as possible....something was wrong. I drove to a quiet spot and begged God to save my sweet nephew, "We just lost Aunt Amy two days ago, it's too soon don't take him too."
A couple hours later I received a second call. I drove to the station and walked into the locker room for privacy. I have never acted out in anger in my whole life, but I could not hold it back in my grief. I kicked and hit the lockers for all I was worth. I screamed at God, "Why would you take him?!" My childish fit was over quickly as I shoved everything as deep inside as I could. It's what I do best, shove it down, pack it in and gloss it over. Place another layer of shellac over my armor so no one can see what I'm thinking or feeling. Ignore the pain until it is a dull ache, after all life is pain right? Armour slightly damaged but back in place I left the locker room to tell my sergeant I needed to go home. It was my Friday anyway.
I spent the weekend dodging the 'I'm sorry's' and ' are you okay's' from everyone. That's what I dreaded the most. I wanted to scream, "He's dead what do you expect from me?", but I kept reminding myself they loved me and wanted the best for me. So I slathered on more shellac and smiled my way through the weekend. On Sunday morning I turned on my Pandora station and was hit in the face by a song from Steven Curtis Chapman titled 'Beauty Will Rise'. I knew I needed that whole CD and immediately tracked it down on itunes to buy it. That afternoon I listened to it and for the first time gave way to the grief trapped inside me. I was so far away from my grieving family and had no way to run to them, that broke my heart most of all. Did they know how much I longed to hold them? Then I knew what I needed to do. I called in to work for Monday and planned a memorial service.
Monday morning I sat down on the couch and opened with a prayer and a scripture reading. I told Sebastian how much I loved him and how crazy it was that I would miss him so much when I had never even met him. I wanted him to know I would miss watching him grow, but that I knew my grief was only for my loss and not for his. He was already at the end of his journey and in the arms of the Savior and because I wanted to be there with him someday I had to tell him goodbye and not grieve for him anymore. Because to be overcome with my own grief would hold me back in my own journey home and I couldn't bear the thought of never getting the chance to meet him. Then I put in my ipod and listened to Steven Curtis Chapman as I gardened and cried the rest of the day. Somehow as the sun began to set my heart began to feel lighter.
How does this have anything to do with giving Sven my blog link? Well you see, even the handful of family and friends who I have told about this site have not all heard this story. I am so used to constantly wearing my emotional armor that I keep it on even with those dearest to me. As though I am somehow the Hoover Dam stopping some massive flow of 'Lauraness' onto the world. Truth is I am not protecting the world from me I am shutting myself out from the world. That is the fear I chose to face yesterday when I gave Sven my link. What will someone think of me? How will I ever be able to be 'normal' knowing the truth of who I am is no longer hidden behind some 'magical' smoke and mirrors showing what I imagine someone wants me to be instead of who I am? Now don't get me wrong I am not at all willing to share this link yet with anyone and everyone....but it is a step. Someday I will be more brave, hopefully. For now though, Sven you will have to take me as I am here or just stop reading and pretend you never saw me emotionally naked. (yikes that's scary phrasing!!) And let me remind you....I did warn you before you started reading. Stop now or forever hold your peace. :)
This spring there was born to my family a sweet new baby boy. Sebastian. A beautiful name don't you think? Sebastian was born healthy and strong and so beautiful into my youngest brother's family, the firstborn son. A couple days after he was born a call for prayers went out, there was an infection of an unknown origin, doctors call it neonatal sepsis. I was at work on a sunny spring day when I got a call from my mother. They were on their way to the hospital, the doctors called and asked them to come as soon as possible....something was wrong. I drove to a quiet spot and begged God to save my sweet nephew, "We just lost Aunt Amy two days ago, it's too soon don't take him too."
A couple hours later I received a second call. I drove to the station and walked into the locker room for privacy. I have never acted out in anger in my whole life, but I could not hold it back in my grief. I kicked and hit the lockers for all I was worth. I screamed at God, "Why would you take him?!" My childish fit was over quickly as I shoved everything as deep inside as I could. It's what I do best, shove it down, pack it in and gloss it over. Place another layer of shellac over my armor so no one can see what I'm thinking or feeling. Ignore the pain until it is a dull ache, after all life is pain right? Armour slightly damaged but back in place I left the locker room to tell my sergeant I needed to go home. It was my Friday anyway.
I spent the weekend dodging the 'I'm sorry's' and ' are you okay's' from everyone. That's what I dreaded the most. I wanted to scream, "He's dead what do you expect from me?", but I kept reminding myself they loved me and wanted the best for me. So I slathered on more shellac and smiled my way through the weekend. On Sunday morning I turned on my Pandora station and was hit in the face by a song from Steven Curtis Chapman titled 'Beauty Will Rise'. I knew I needed that whole CD and immediately tracked it down on itunes to buy it. That afternoon I listened to it and for the first time gave way to the grief trapped inside me. I was so far away from my grieving family and had no way to run to them, that broke my heart most of all. Did they know how much I longed to hold them? Then I knew what I needed to do. I called in to work for Monday and planned a memorial service.
Monday morning I sat down on the couch and opened with a prayer and a scripture reading. I told Sebastian how much I loved him and how crazy it was that I would miss him so much when I had never even met him. I wanted him to know I would miss watching him grow, but that I knew my grief was only for my loss and not for his. He was already at the end of his journey and in the arms of the Savior and because I wanted to be there with him someday I had to tell him goodbye and not grieve for him anymore. Because to be overcome with my own grief would hold me back in my own journey home and I couldn't bear the thought of never getting the chance to meet him. Then I put in my ipod and listened to Steven Curtis Chapman as I gardened and cried the rest of the day. Somehow as the sun began to set my heart began to feel lighter.
How does this have anything to do with giving Sven my blog link? Well you see, even the handful of family and friends who I have told about this site have not all heard this story. I am so used to constantly wearing my emotional armor that I keep it on even with those dearest to me. As though I am somehow the Hoover Dam stopping some massive flow of 'Lauraness' onto the world. Truth is I am not protecting the world from me I am shutting myself out from the world. That is the fear I chose to face yesterday when I gave Sven my link. What will someone think of me? How will I ever be able to be 'normal' knowing the truth of who I am is no longer hidden behind some 'magical' smoke and mirrors showing what I imagine someone wants me to be instead of who I am? Now don't get me wrong I am not at all willing to share this link yet with anyone and everyone....but it is a step. Someday I will be more brave, hopefully. For now though, Sven you will have to take me as I am here or just stop reading and pretend you never saw me emotionally naked. (yikes that's scary phrasing!!) And let me remind you....I did warn you before you started reading. Stop now or forever hold your peace. :)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Going Home
I was recently chewed out for being a 'blog tease' and I must admit that all in all, I am exactly that. I apologize for my lax nature in blogging, but the apology most likely will not change who I am or the fact that my blog entries will typically be very few and very far apart. So, for those few people who are actually reading this, I apologize that you must take me as I am. :) Moving on...
My thoughts on going home....
It is Christmas, a time of year when most people are making the yearly pilgrimage to their childhood homes. (or at least to their immediate families) It's supposed to be a time for family, feasting and reflection on the birth of Christ. But for the most part becomes a hurried weeklong whirlwind of preparation for an ill advised family reunion. I am thankful to say that is not what Christmas is to me. You see I do not get to travel home each year. In fact in my strange little world there is no singular home to travel to. I was born in Minnesota and have family scattered there, my parents and brothers moved to Honduras when I was 15 so they are all there, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle in Missouri as immediate family from 15-24 so I have family ties in Missouri, I have lived in Arizona for nearly 7yrs now and made a dear family of friends and loved ones here and I have a dear friend/cousin and her family in Colorado.....Whew!
I grew up traveling with my immediate family every year. In some ways we grew up in a van traversing the US, Mexico and Central America. Traditional is not a word used to describe my upbringing in any sense. So, at a young age I became adept at making a home wherever we happened to be. In a sense I learned to think of Christmas as time to hold those dear to me close and love them as much as possible.
In my late teens and early twenties I fought with some bitterness over my unconventional upbringing. Why couldn't my family have just been normal instead of feeling some need to go out and 'save the world'? I wanted to go home to the family farm every year and see my growth as an individual through the eyes of my unchanging history. I wanted what so many people have, a steady tradition I could look back at and say, "That's who I am. That's where I came from." Instead I felt I had a mismatched patchwork quilt of memories given in no particular order and left in a pile for me to piece together. Where was home? How was is right that I had to make it up for myself as I went along?
As the years have passed I have softened in my viewpoints of life and my parents choices. True I did not get the experience of a solid unchanging history as so many people do, but I was given something that is so much more. Because my parents chose to travel to foriegn countries and serve others I have family and loved ones scattered far and wide. I was instilled with a great desire to give to other people the rich blessings I have been given, I have seen and touched and felt the pain and joy of so many peoples lives. My parents did not give me one home to come to on Christmas. Without even realizing the enormity of the gift they were giving me, they tought me that home is not a place, it is people. Christmas is not a holiday, it is an opportunity and love is not a stagnant pool you can come back to and take a dip whenever you please, it is a flowing fountain pouring from Christ into your heart and through you into others around you. So, when I feel that overpowering love I know I have come home. Merry Christmas!
My thoughts on going home....
It is Christmas, a time of year when most people are making the yearly pilgrimage to their childhood homes. (or at least to their immediate families) It's supposed to be a time for family, feasting and reflection on the birth of Christ. But for the most part becomes a hurried weeklong whirlwind of preparation for an ill advised family reunion. I am thankful to say that is not what Christmas is to me. You see I do not get to travel home each year. In fact in my strange little world there is no singular home to travel to. I was born in Minnesota and have family scattered there, my parents and brothers moved to Honduras when I was 15 so they are all there, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle in Missouri as immediate family from 15-24 so I have family ties in Missouri, I have lived in Arizona for nearly 7yrs now and made a dear family of friends and loved ones here and I have a dear friend/cousin and her family in Colorado.....Whew!
I grew up traveling with my immediate family every year. In some ways we grew up in a van traversing the US, Mexico and Central America. Traditional is not a word used to describe my upbringing in any sense. So, at a young age I became adept at making a home wherever we happened to be. In a sense I learned to think of Christmas as time to hold those dear to me close and love them as much as possible.
In my late teens and early twenties I fought with some bitterness over my unconventional upbringing. Why couldn't my family have just been normal instead of feeling some need to go out and 'save the world'? I wanted to go home to the family farm every year and see my growth as an individual through the eyes of my unchanging history. I wanted what so many people have, a steady tradition I could look back at and say, "That's who I am. That's where I came from." Instead I felt I had a mismatched patchwork quilt of memories given in no particular order and left in a pile for me to piece together. Where was home? How was is right that I had to make it up for myself as I went along?
As the years have passed I have softened in my viewpoints of life and my parents choices. True I did not get the experience of a solid unchanging history as so many people do, but I was given something that is so much more. Because my parents chose to travel to foriegn countries and serve others I have family and loved ones scattered far and wide. I was instilled with a great desire to give to other people the rich blessings I have been given, I have seen and touched and felt the pain and joy of so many peoples lives. My parents did not give me one home to come to on Christmas. Without even realizing the enormity of the gift they were giving me, they tought me that home is not a place, it is people. Christmas is not a holiday, it is an opportunity and love is not a stagnant pool you can come back to and take a dip whenever you please, it is a flowing fountain pouring from Christ into your heart and through you into others around you. So, when I feel that overpowering love I know I have come home. Merry Christmas!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
You Cannot Out Train Your Mouth
It's early Thursday morning, five am early, and I am normally sleeping in to at least seven because it's the first morning of my weekend. But my alarm has gone off and I am lying in bed debating whether I want to get up and go do what I have signed up for. I lie there for about five minutes my body, which clearly would rather stay in bed, fighting with my mind, that knows the opportunity before me is too good to miss. My mind, thankfully, wins and I get up.
As the sunrise is just beginning to dawn on the city I drive southbound across the nearly vacant landscape to my destination. The closer I get the more nervous I become. Because, you see, I am heading to be fit tested. Fit testing is an entire body fitness testing process that scientifically calculates your overall fitness level, necessary caloric intake, hydration level, cardiovascular conditioning and oxygen intake. Basically, it's something you would pay a personal fitness trainer or facility a lot of money for to determine your overall condition and create a nutritional and fitness program personalized for your needs. This awesome, in depth process is being offered to me for free and will help me tremendously in my exercise and food intake, but it also terrifies me. You see, I have an overall image of where I stand physically. I know I can eat better and do more exercise, but I'm not in poor shape and don't eat horribly....so I can live in this happy bubble of semi-contentment believing that I'm doing 'okay'. The closer I get to the test, the more I know my happy bubble is about to burst and I will be faced with the reality of how much work is ahead of me if I'm serious about changing.
The test was not difficult, and did not take a long time. The results were no worse than I imagined and everything I hoped I would miraculously not hear. I am, on the whole, healthy. I am by no means obese, nor am I the proper weight. Basically, I need to do more work. I need to pay more attention to what I am eating and how I am working out and I need to do more. It's what I knew I would hear and what I had dreaded hearing all morning. It was the truth, right there in black and white and so clear I could not ignore it. Ignoring it would mean giving up, and I promised myself I would not give up this time.
I drove home anxious and depressed. Not because I can't do more but because I don't want to. Because my pretty little bubble of a self image was burst and I had to see the reality in front of me. Basically I was pouting. When I got home I sat down and began my scripture study for the day. In my prayers I asked for guidance and perseverance to do what is necessary to make me a more healthy and strong person. When I lifted my head I set out to make a plan. I put together a menu and shopping list, something I never do. I created a workout schedule, another thing I never do. and began putting plan into action. My sense of moping disappeared, replaced with a content and excited hope at the prospect of even more change.
It didn't strike me at the moment, but now that I'm writing I cannot help but see and be amazed at the similarities in my physical and spiritual growth. When God bursts my self righteous little bubble and points out to me the truths of where I stand and what I need to change, my reaction is no different. It amazes me that He is ever patient with my sullenness and stubborn refusal to see things His way. How much happier I am when I concede and begin putting His plans into action in my life.
There is a comment the Fit test instructor made that I hope will ever stay with me. When talking about a nutritional plan he said, "Laura remember, you cannot out train your mouth no matter how hard you try. If you take in junk you will look and feel like junk.". How right he is and how true that comment is for me spiritually too. I cannot spiritually out train what I take in. If I continuously take in garbage, I will look and feel like garbage as my spirit is weighed down by the darkness I'm taking in. So it is with my physical body when I eat trash. I can't win if I'm willing to defeat myself with what I take in. This life is physically and spiritually a battle. It's time to begin training like a fighter.
As the sunrise is just beginning to dawn on the city I drive southbound across the nearly vacant landscape to my destination. The closer I get the more nervous I become. Because, you see, I am heading to be fit tested. Fit testing is an entire body fitness testing process that scientifically calculates your overall fitness level, necessary caloric intake, hydration level, cardiovascular conditioning and oxygen intake. Basically, it's something you would pay a personal fitness trainer or facility a lot of money for to determine your overall condition and create a nutritional and fitness program personalized for your needs. This awesome, in depth process is being offered to me for free and will help me tremendously in my exercise and food intake, but it also terrifies me. You see, I have an overall image of where I stand physically. I know I can eat better and do more exercise, but I'm not in poor shape and don't eat horribly....so I can live in this happy bubble of semi-contentment believing that I'm doing 'okay'. The closer I get to the test, the more I know my happy bubble is about to burst and I will be faced with the reality of how much work is ahead of me if I'm serious about changing.
The test was not difficult, and did not take a long time. The results were no worse than I imagined and everything I hoped I would miraculously not hear. I am, on the whole, healthy. I am by no means obese, nor am I the proper weight. Basically, I need to do more work. I need to pay more attention to what I am eating and how I am working out and I need to do more. It's what I knew I would hear and what I had dreaded hearing all morning. It was the truth, right there in black and white and so clear I could not ignore it. Ignoring it would mean giving up, and I promised myself I would not give up this time.
I drove home anxious and depressed. Not because I can't do more but because I don't want to. Because my pretty little bubble of a self image was burst and I had to see the reality in front of me. Basically I was pouting. When I got home I sat down and began my scripture study for the day. In my prayers I asked for guidance and perseverance to do what is necessary to make me a more healthy and strong person. When I lifted my head I set out to make a plan. I put together a menu and shopping list, something I never do. I created a workout schedule, another thing I never do. and began putting plan into action. My sense of moping disappeared, replaced with a content and excited hope at the prospect of even more change.
It didn't strike me at the moment, but now that I'm writing I cannot help but see and be amazed at the similarities in my physical and spiritual growth. When God bursts my self righteous little bubble and points out to me the truths of where I stand and what I need to change, my reaction is no different. It amazes me that He is ever patient with my sullenness and stubborn refusal to see things His way. How much happier I am when I concede and begin putting His plans into action in my life.
There is a comment the Fit test instructor made that I hope will ever stay with me. When talking about a nutritional plan he said, "Laura remember, you cannot out train your mouth no matter how hard you try. If you take in junk you will look and feel like junk.". How right he is and how true that comment is for me spiritually too. I cannot spiritually out train what I take in. If I continuously take in garbage, I will look and feel like garbage as my spirit is weighed down by the darkness I'm taking in. So it is with my physical body when I eat trash. I can't win if I'm willing to defeat myself with what I take in. This life is physically and spiritually a battle. It's time to begin training like a fighter.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The smallest ripple awakens even the most still waters
Okay, originally my plan was to post every day.....but. (I always like to get a little but in there) The reality of working a 13:20hr shift is by the time I get home, clean up and eat I'm depleted and it's already time for bed. So, from here on out you won't hear from me Mon-Weds nights. Instead I will give you an update on Thursday mornings. That way I can build suspense and all that goodness....cuz I know you can't wait to hear what I have to say. :) Now on to my week thus far.
Monday was a pretty average day, and I wouldn't say I did something crazy or exciting by any stretch. I did, however, start something that I hope will be life changing even in it's simpleness. I typically wake up for work at about 4:30am, 4:45 if I'm pushing it, to get ready to leave by 5am. I made a conscious decision on Monday to begin getting up at 4:15am and spending that extra 15minutes praying and studying scriptures. Now, I've been working on my personal study time a lot the last couple months and have been pretty regular about picking up the scriptures and reading at least a couple times a week. But I wanted this to be different. I wanted to take the time, not just to read the word of God or to say a quick prayer before getting up but to stop and truly dedicate my day to the Lord. To ask Him to guide my words, thoughts and deeds. To pray for those in need and to give me grace to follow Him more.
I don't know why, but that extra 15minutes in bed is crazy tempting. Even so, I got myself out of bed and went to the living room where I immediately knelt in prayer. The house was dark and perfectly still as I poured my heart out to my maker. As I lifted my head and sat up to read I could feel my mind become sharper and focused. The sleepy stupor normally associated with dawn was gone as I read about Ruth and her obedience. As I read I considered all of the women in the Bible who are examples of Godly women, and how from a child we are taught to be like them. Then a thought so simple and clear came to my mind, "You should not want to be like these women. They are not your goal. You should want to be like you, a woman striving to serve God. That is who you need to be." I wanted to laugh with the simple joy the thought gave me. Of course! If I keep trying to be like these women, I am holding them on some strange pedestal they don't need and probably wouldn't want. I need to focus on being ME, the best me, the me who strives to follow God.
So, I started my day working on me. And it was a crazy good day!
Tuesday, I once again woke up and had a devotional time with the Lord. However, I was halfway through the day thinking, "I guess I have nothing to show for this day, because I have not seen any new opportunities or ways to step out of myself." Right then I saw a co-worker of mine who I know does weight lifting on a regular basis. I have been wanting to learn proper weight lifting and infuse it into my new work out regimen, but I didn't know who to ask or how to go about it without finding a personal trainer which costs more than I am willing to spend at the moment. As I went past my co-worker I thought, "why not just ask him". Well....I am not someone to 'just ask' anyone for anything, much less people that I am not close with. It's not a matter of pride for me, but fear. I'm always afraid I will be shot down and just decide it's better not to ask. I hesitated....passed him by and knew this was my one shot to be brave. I doubled back and felt like a fool as I asked for help. I thought my face would break in half with how much I was smiling when he said, without hesitation, sure I can help you out with that. Let's make a plan for next week. Score!!!!! I thought my adventure was over for the day, but God had more in store.
After lunch time I stepped into a quiet office for a break when the same co-worker came in. We chatted back and forth for a few minutes and he began to ask me about my church and what I believe. I felt a small knot of fear in my gut and was unsure of how to proceed but I said a quick prayer in my head and forged on sharing what knowledge I have of church history and what was on my heart. The conversation lasted about a half hour, and by the time it was over my mind and emotions were exhausted but I was at peace. I had opened my mouth and shared the word of God, talk about going out of your comfort zone!
Looking collectively over the last three days of my week you may not see differences that you consider to be significant or life changing. But I would disagree with you. I keep my personal world to myself when I'm at work. Partly out of protecting myself and partly out of fear. Those are two horrible reasons to withhold from my co-workers the best parts of my life. I have to learn to be the change in my environment and that may take small changes over time. But you know what they say about small pebbles dropped in the water....
Monday was a pretty average day, and I wouldn't say I did something crazy or exciting by any stretch. I did, however, start something that I hope will be life changing even in it's simpleness. I typically wake up for work at about 4:30am, 4:45 if I'm pushing it, to get ready to leave by 5am. I made a conscious decision on Monday to begin getting up at 4:15am and spending that extra 15minutes praying and studying scriptures. Now, I've been working on my personal study time a lot the last couple months and have been pretty regular about picking up the scriptures and reading at least a couple times a week. But I wanted this to be different. I wanted to take the time, not just to read the word of God or to say a quick prayer before getting up but to stop and truly dedicate my day to the Lord. To ask Him to guide my words, thoughts and deeds. To pray for those in need and to give me grace to follow Him more.
I don't know why, but that extra 15minutes in bed is crazy tempting. Even so, I got myself out of bed and went to the living room where I immediately knelt in prayer. The house was dark and perfectly still as I poured my heart out to my maker. As I lifted my head and sat up to read I could feel my mind become sharper and focused. The sleepy stupor normally associated with dawn was gone as I read about Ruth and her obedience. As I read I considered all of the women in the Bible who are examples of Godly women, and how from a child we are taught to be like them. Then a thought so simple and clear came to my mind, "You should not want to be like these women. They are not your goal. You should want to be like you, a woman striving to serve God. That is who you need to be." I wanted to laugh with the simple joy the thought gave me. Of course! If I keep trying to be like these women, I am holding them on some strange pedestal they don't need and probably wouldn't want. I need to focus on being ME, the best me, the me who strives to follow God.
So, I started my day working on me. And it was a crazy good day!
Tuesday, I once again woke up and had a devotional time with the Lord. However, I was halfway through the day thinking, "I guess I have nothing to show for this day, because I have not seen any new opportunities or ways to step out of myself." Right then I saw a co-worker of mine who I know does weight lifting on a regular basis. I have been wanting to learn proper weight lifting and infuse it into my new work out regimen, but I didn't know who to ask or how to go about it without finding a personal trainer which costs more than I am willing to spend at the moment. As I went past my co-worker I thought, "why not just ask him". Well....I am not someone to 'just ask' anyone for anything, much less people that I am not close with. It's not a matter of pride for me, but fear. I'm always afraid I will be shot down and just decide it's better not to ask. I hesitated....passed him by and knew this was my one shot to be brave. I doubled back and felt like a fool as I asked for help. I thought my face would break in half with how much I was smiling when he said, without hesitation, sure I can help you out with that. Let's make a plan for next week. Score!!!!! I thought my adventure was over for the day, but God had more in store.
After lunch time I stepped into a quiet office for a break when the same co-worker came in. We chatted back and forth for a few minutes and he began to ask me about my church and what I believe. I felt a small knot of fear in my gut and was unsure of how to proceed but I said a quick prayer in my head and forged on sharing what knowledge I have of church history and what was on my heart. The conversation lasted about a half hour, and by the time it was over my mind and emotions were exhausted but I was at peace. I had opened my mouth and shared the word of God, talk about going out of your comfort zone!
Looking collectively over the last three days of my week you may not see differences that you consider to be significant or life changing. But I would disagree with you. I keep my personal world to myself when I'm at work. Partly out of protecting myself and partly out of fear. Those are two horrible reasons to withhold from my co-workers the best parts of my life. I have to learn to be the change in my environment and that may take small changes over time. But you know what they say about small pebbles dropped in the water....
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Day of Rest Fully Realized
There have been a few questions bouncing around in my head regarding my new commitment to myself. How do I do one new, scary and different thing every day when I still have to fit in my life responsibilities (working 14hr days, church etc.)?
I had fully decided to report to you my failure for today when I realized it is not even four o'clock on a Sunday and my clothes for work are being washed, my lunch is ready, and I have (for the first time since I cannot remember when) completely been at rest all day. Now, you may not see this as a new, exciting or different thing worthy of commenting on. But that would be because you don't know my usual Sunday routine.
You see, Sunday is known as being the day of rest. Historically businesses worldwide closed on Sundays, the world stopped moving to honor God and to center themselves before beginning another hectic week. God himself set the example for us by resting on the seventh day! But what does a normal Sunday mean for me? Constant movement at a dizzying pace. Let me lay out for you a 'normal' Sunday.
7am: wake up and get Sunday School lessons ready
8am: get myself ready
9:30ish: go pick up Aunt Donna
9:45am: teach Sunday School
11am: Sermon
12pm: potluck at church
2pm: run home and get wash started
3:30pm: back to church for choir
4:30pm: run back home to switch loads and feed my dog
5:30pm: back to church to lead song service
6pm: night church
7:30pm: back home to finish laundry and get dinner before going to bed
Where exactly in all of that going is my time to rest and reflect? I am more exhausted at the end of a Sunday than any other day of the week. Pretty much exactly opposite of what the day was originally intended for!
So, today I made a change. One that I hope will stick. I still did Sunday School and went to services, but I went home right after and have spent my afternoon resting. I have studied scripture, done my laundry and simply sat reflecting on the purpose of this blessed day set aside to glorify my God. I cannot tell you what a difference it has been!! I am calm, centered and feel completely refreshed. My normal rushed anxious beginning of the week fervor has been replaced with stillness. The house is quiet as the late afternoon light streams through the windows. The only sounds are my laundry, the air conditioning and the typing of my keys as I write to you. So this is what a Sunday should feel like! This is a day I could grow to love like never before!!
Such a small change, with such a great and immediate impact on my life. I cannot thank my Lord enough for this His day of rest.
I had fully decided to report to you my failure for today when I realized it is not even four o'clock on a Sunday and my clothes for work are being washed, my lunch is ready, and I have (for the first time since I cannot remember when) completely been at rest all day. Now, you may not see this as a new, exciting or different thing worthy of commenting on. But that would be because you don't know my usual Sunday routine.
You see, Sunday is known as being the day of rest. Historically businesses worldwide closed on Sundays, the world stopped moving to honor God and to center themselves before beginning another hectic week. God himself set the example for us by resting on the seventh day! But what does a normal Sunday mean for me? Constant movement at a dizzying pace. Let me lay out for you a 'normal' Sunday.
7am: wake up and get Sunday School lessons ready
8am: get myself ready
9:30ish: go pick up Aunt Donna
9:45am: teach Sunday School
11am: Sermon
12pm: potluck at church
2pm: run home and get wash started
3:30pm: back to church for choir
4:30pm: run back home to switch loads and feed my dog
5:30pm: back to church to lead song service
6pm: night church
7:30pm: back home to finish laundry and get dinner before going to bed
Where exactly in all of that going is my time to rest and reflect? I am more exhausted at the end of a Sunday than any other day of the week. Pretty much exactly opposite of what the day was originally intended for!
So, today I made a change. One that I hope will stick. I still did Sunday School and went to services, but I went home right after and have spent my afternoon resting. I have studied scripture, done my laundry and simply sat reflecting on the purpose of this blessed day set aside to glorify my God. I cannot tell you what a difference it has been!! I am calm, centered and feel completely refreshed. My normal rushed anxious beginning of the week fervor has been replaced with stillness. The house is quiet as the late afternoon light streams through the windows. The only sounds are my laundry, the air conditioning and the typing of my keys as I write to you. So this is what a Sunday should feel like! This is a day I could grow to love like never before!!
Such a small change, with such a great and immediate impact on my life. I cannot thank my Lord enough for this His day of rest.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Muay Thai and Boys: In that Order
So, this is day two and I have a TON to share. As I promised I did indeed ask a certain male (who will remain nameless) about going out and I was amazed by the answer. Amazed because I was expecting and emotionally preparing for a turn down. You may wonder why I would expect that....and in time it will become clear to you, but for now we will not go into it all.
Anywhoo...the response, which made me ridiculously giddy, was that he would love too but we would have to plan another time as he is out of town this weekend. As soon as I read the words I felt like a tard, of course he's out of town half of my friends are out of town camping for Labor Day weekend. I would pick the impossible weekend to finally work up the courage to ask! However, there is a future meeting in the works...so all is well.
As for today's adventure! I have, for the last three months, been toying with the idea of learning some sort of street fighting or mixed martial arts. In fact, several weeks ago a friend of mine at work helped me pick out several options of reputable gyms and trainers in my area. As usual, I have delayed doing anything about it with excuses varying from, "Its too much extra money to spend." to "I would end up giving it up after a couple weeks anyway...I always do that".
Yesterday when I made my decision to begin this blog and string you along with me on my journey through 'lauraness' I made a concerted effort to search out the gyms near my home and select one to 'just try out' and report back to you today. I did my research, found the gym that looked like the best fit and called to let them know I would be in for the 10am Saturday morning class. I was on cloud nine, "I'm actually going to do this." I told myself, "And it's okay if I decide I don't like it". Then I piled in my car and headed toward work.
As I drove the 25 miles into work I started discussing with myself the pros and cons of trying out the gym. (for clarity I will refer to myself as X and Y) X: I work till three am, how will I get up and be to the class at 10am? Y: You will never know whether you like it if you don't try! X: But I never follow through on training plans like this, I always give it up a couple weeks in! In fact, I can't even follow healthy eating habits for more than a couple weeks without giving up! Y: Well, why do you think you give up? X: What?! How do I know?......Y: Laura, don't you think maybe you give up because you are sabotaging yourself? X: What?!! Why would I do that?....Y: Isn't it because you don't think you are worthy of being thin and beautiful? You do it every time, you know that you are giving up and you do it anyway...why don't you think you deserve to be your best?
It felt like a million bricks had just hit me. I felt sick to my stomach and was short of breath as my mind played over all the times I have had 'great plans' to better myself in some way and fallen short. Not because I couldn't accomplish my goal, but because some ugly part of myself told me I was not worthy to. 'How is this the first time I have realized what I do to myself?', I thought, 'How in thirty years of life have I continued living as a shadow of my full potential without recognizing the limits I put on myself?' Tears sprung to my eyes as I realized I would have to face this demon of mine head on or always fall just short of my abilities.
I called the only person I knew who would fully understand this random and earth shattering break through. As the phone rang I silently prayed to be able to just leave a voicemail, because the weight of my new discovery was too heavy to speak of without falling to pieces. Thankfully, it went to voice mail and I stuttered out a jumble of words trying to convey what I had just emotionally gone through. Then I had to put it out of my mind so that I could focus on work. I know I will be revisiting this demon of mine for quite a while....maybe for the rest of my life. But for the first time I recognize it's true self and know how to fight back.
This morning 9:30 came way too fast. As the alarm went off I lay in bed thinking, "You haven't had enough sleep. You aren't strong enough today to get through a full workout...just do it another day." NO! I screamed back. I know what you're about now, and you won't trick me anymore. I WILL get up and go, I don't care if I collapse on the floor while I'm there, I won't sabotage myself anymore with lame excuses!! I bolted out of bed and got myself to the gym.
I am by nature timid in new surroundings. I am sure my trepidation was written all over my face as I walked in the door. Thankfully Saturday's are small class days, so says my new coach, so there were only four of us in the entire gym. Paul, my new coach, is a Muay Thai champion from Thailand and has trained several champion fighters in California and Arizona. You wouldn't know it if you met him on the street. His smile is contagious and his bubbly laugh would make a lifelong biker gang member smile. He was friendly, but completely focused on giving me the best possible instructions on my form and footwork. By the end of the hour long class I was completely hooked. The movements somehow feel 'right' and natural. The work out is exhausting! I nearly passed out a couple times, possibly due to my lack of sleep and food, but I'm so glad I went. Score one for Laura, zero for her personal demons. :)
The coolest thing about today is I am so thrilled with my personal firsts that, until I sat down to write this post, I completely forgot about the 'boy'. How awesome is that!! Muay Thai...then boys...it's a great day!
Anywhoo...the response, which made me ridiculously giddy, was that he would love too but we would have to plan another time as he is out of town this weekend. As soon as I read the words I felt like a tard, of course he's out of town half of my friends are out of town camping for Labor Day weekend. I would pick the impossible weekend to finally work up the courage to ask! However, there is a future meeting in the works...so all is well.
As for today's adventure! I have, for the last three months, been toying with the idea of learning some sort of street fighting or mixed martial arts. In fact, several weeks ago a friend of mine at work helped me pick out several options of reputable gyms and trainers in my area. As usual, I have delayed doing anything about it with excuses varying from, "Its too much extra money to spend." to "I would end up giving it up after a couple weeks anyway...I always do that".
Yesterday when I made my decision to begin this blog and string you along with me on my journey through 'lauraness' I made a concerted effort to search out the gyms near my home and select one to 'just try out' and report back to you today. I did my research, found the gym that looked like the best fit and called to let them know I would be in for the 10am Saturday morning class. I was on cloud nine, "I'm actually going to do this." I told myself, "And it's okay if I decide I don't like it". Then I piled in my car and headed toward work.
As I drove the 25 miles into work I started discussing with myself the pros and cons of trying out the gym. (for clarity I will refer to myself as X and Y) X: I work till three am, how will I get up and be to the class at 10am? Y: You will never know whether you like it if you don't try! X: But I never follow through on training plans like this, I always give it up a couple weeks in! In fact, I can't even follow healthy eating habits for more than a couple weeks without giving up! Y: Well, why do you think you give up? X: What?! How do I know?......Y: Laura, don't you think maybe you give up because you are sabotaging yourself? X: What?!! Why would I do that?....Y: Isn't it because you don't think you are worthy of being thin and beautiful? You do it every time, you know that you are giving up and you do it anyway...why don't you think you deserve to be your best?
It felt like a million bricks had just hit me. I felt sick to my stomach and was short of breath as my mind played over all the times I have had 'great plans' to better myself in some way and fallen short. Not because I couldn't accomplish my goal, but because some ugly part of myself told me I was not worthy to. 'How is this the first time I have realized what I do to myself?', I thought, 'How in thirty years of life have I continued living as a shadow of my full potential without recognizing the limits I put on myself?' Tears sprung to my eyes as I realized I would have to face this demon of mine head on or always fall just short of my abilities.
I called the only person I knew who would fully understand this random and earth shattering break through. As the phone rang I silently prayed to be able to just leave a voicemail, because the weight of my new discovery was too heavy to speak of without falling to pieces. Thankfully, it went to voice mail and I stuttered out a jumble of words trying to convey what I had just emotionally gone through. Then I had to put it out of my mind so that I could focus on work. I know I will be revisiting this demon of mine for quite a while....maybe for the rest of my life. But for the first time I recognize it's true self and know how to fight back.
This morning 9:30 came way too fast. As the alarm went off I lay in bed thinking, "You haven't had enough sleep. You aren't strong enough today to get through a full workout...just do it another day." NO! I screamed back. I know what you're about now, and you won't trick me anymore. I WILL get up and go, I don't care if I collapse on the floor while I'm there, I won't sabotage myself anymore with lame excuses!! I bolted out of bed and got myself to the gym.
I am by nature timid in new surroundings. I am sure my trepidation was written all over my face as I walked in the door. Thankfully Saturday's are small class days, so says my new coach, so there were only four of us in the entire gym. Paul, my new coach, is a Muay Thai champion from Thailand and has trained several champion fighters in California and Arizona. You wouldn't know it if you met him on the street. His smile is contagious and his bubbly laugh would make a lifelong biker gang member smile. He was friendly, but completely focused on giving me the best possible instructions on my form and footwork. By the end of the hour long class I was completely hooked. The movements somehow feel 'right' and natural. The work out is exhausting! I nearly passed out a couple times, possibly due to my lack of sleep and food, but I'm so glad I went. Score one for Laura, zero for her personal demons. :)
The coolest thing about today is I am so thrilled with my personal firsts that, until I sat down to write this post, I completely forgot about the 'boy'. How awesome is that!! Muay Thai...then boys...it's a great day!
Friday, September 2, 2011
The year of me
I know there is currently no one reading my blog...and in a way I love that and hope to always write as though no one is reading. Today I would like to announce to no one...that this is the year of me. Now, all of those zero people who are reading this and know me personally may be shocked at that statement and be thinking, "what? so your going to be a selfish jerk this year and forget all of the wonderful things you should do for others?" let me calm your fears. I will not ignore my tasks and duties this year, and I will continue to embrace being the loving and giving person that I truly enjoy being, but there are a few changes coming as well.
I have come to the realization that I don't do much to explore what makes me tick as a human being. I do and give because I care for those around me and because I firmly believe I should. But what do I love for just me alone and no one else? I don't know.... I can't even ask someone out on a simple date for fear that it might upset them or someone else. What a retarded way to live. So, starting today (September 2, 2011) I will be taking all of the no one's reading my blog on a daily journey of exploration. Don't get too heated, I will not be doing anything immoral or illegal in any way, but I will be making changes and taking risks I have been too afraid, lazy or unsure to do before. And I have already started. ;)
Today I deactivated my facebook account. I'm tired of using it and tired of it being used as a way for distant acquaintances to dig through the details of my life that only dear friends would or should know without it. If you know me and are dear to me, we will not lose contact. If you don't know me and are distant to me we will remain in a natural state of general acquaintance. I feel crazy liberated and free. Several months back I had deactivated the account and LOVED it, but was convinced by my family to open the account again. Ever since, I have been sorry I did so. This time it is permanent. Goodbye internet ball and chain!!
For my second act of the day I will be asking a friend out on a fun, light hearted date. I have always looked at dating as an approach to potential relationship, marriage. I don't know if I'm cut out for 'fun' dating, but I'm going to give it a whirl and let you know how it works out. (every awesome, sad and embarrassing detail) And, unlike facebook, since I know no one is following what I write I know you won't shove your nose where it doesn't belong, so to speak. Okay, I'm off to try out a random date.....I'll get back with you on how it goes.
I have come to the realization that I don't do much to explore what makes me tick as a human being. I do and give because I care for those around me and because I firmly believe I should. But what do I love for just me alone and no one else? I don't know.... I can't even ask someone out on a simple date for fear that it might upset them or someone else. What a retarded way to live. So, starting today (September 2, 2011) I will be taking all of the no one's reading my blog on a daily journey of exploration. Don't get too heated, I will not be doing anything immoral or illegal in any way, but I will be making changes and taking risks I have been too afraid, lazy or unsure to do before. And I have already started. ;)
Today I deactivated my facebook account. I'm tired of using it and tired of it being used as a way for distant acquaintances to dig through the details of my life that only dear friends would or should know without it. If you know me and are dear to me, we will not lose contact. If you don't know me and are distant to me we will remain in a natural state of general acquaintance. I feel crazy liberated and free. Several months back I had deactivated the account and LOVED it, but was convinced by my family to open the account again. Ever since, I have been sorry I did so. This time it is permanent. Goodbye internet ball and chain!!
For my second act of the day I will be asking a friend out on a fun, light hearted date. I have always looked at dating as an approach to potential relationship, marriage. I don't know if I'm cut out for 'fun' dating, but I'm going to give it a whirl and let you know how it works out. (every awesome, sad and embarrassing detail) And, unlike facebook, since I know no one is following what I write I know you won't shove your nose where it doesn't belong, so to speak. Okay, I'm off to try out a random date.....I'll get back with you on how it goes.
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