On Home, Family and Chuppah Making

     Several months back my bff and I were talking about her upcoming wedding.  She was looking online for a chuppah for the ceremony and could not find something that felt right.  Being a best friend I of course got online and began researching with her.  Jess was totally right.  There were some pretty chuppahs online, but they were either much too simple or ornate to fit her style.  They just didn't speak to the significance and beauty I knew she would want it to posses.  Plus, for the most part they were hugely expensive.  As I was looking online I began praying, "Lord, what would be best for Jess and Charlie?  If there's something out there that would fit them please help either her or I to find it so she won't be stressed about it.  Show me what would work."  Then as I looked at photo after photo, slowly an idea began to form in my mind.  A picture of what felt like a perfect fit for Jess and Charlie and the commitment they felt to their Heavenly Father and future life together.  After another hour or so of looking, I had found nothing like what I could see in my minds eye.  Being a poor artist and a bit afraid she would hate the idea, I hesitatingly drew out what I saw in my mind.  A simple square with intertwined wedding rings, the wedding date centered in the bands and surrounding them the phrase, "I have found the one in whom my soul delights."  I sent Jess a picture of my idea and was super surprised at her response.  Both she and Charlie really liked it.  "I think I can just make it for you.", I calmly replied.  It was decided, I was to make the chuppah. 

     I am by no means a talented seamstress.  My skill level sits right at 'I do well enough to make things that are not hideous....mostly'; because of this I do not sew on a regular basis.  I do however love the act of making any gift for someone I love.  I truly enjoy the time spent working at the task, considering the person I am making it for.  How will they like it most?  Will they be able to feel my love for them when they look at it?  How can I make it best fit who they are in their heart of hearts?  I love sitting and working on the item while I pray over the person it is intended for.  I like to imagine all of the love and prayers that are put into the gift will make up for the flaws that I am sure will exist in the final product.  Needless to say, I prayed quite a bit over this chuppah.  By the time my hours of cutting, sewing and stitching on beads were done I had come to love this representation of Jess and Charlie's future home.  I loved the spiritual and cultural significance behind it, what it represented to them and how honored I was to have had such a huge part in the building of it.  I was also terrified the end result would not be what she had pictured in her mind and she would find herself disappointed in my efforts.  I knew Jess was too sweet to ever let me know if she did not love it, so I prayed all the harder that God would bless it to be just right for both she and Charlie.  I knew in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't ruin their day, but I wanted my part to be worthy of the love they were celebrating.  I was very much thankful and relieved when they were both happy with the outcome. 

     By this point you are probably wondering what the thunder this has to do with home and family.  Well, everything really.  The tie in is coming I promise.

     All in all with planning, shopping, cutting, sewing and beading the chuppah took about 50hrs to complete.  That's a lot of hours to pray for and contemplate the future of Jess and Charlie and their sweet family.  Sometimes during my contemplation my mind would wander to the concepts of family and home in general.  What makes a family?  What is it to build a home together?  What are the joys and trials that come with that process?  There are so many unseen ties that need to be made.  So many chances each person must be willing to take.  Ones that can be super risky, especially at the onset.  How does one get to the point where they are willing to say, "I will risk complete failure and heartbreak for just the chance that this could be as fantastic as I am thinking it may be."? 

     I am someone who likes control, especially over my heart.  Unless you are a child you do not get a free pass into my inner sanctuary, especially if you are someone who I could become severely attached to only to lose.  Okay, yeah I know in my head that is not the best way to be....but my head and my heart tend to speak two different languages sometimes.  It just is a fact I have to struggle with as an individual.  Because of that fact even the thought of giving up possible control of what I'm thinking/feeling toward someone and being willing to share that without first having some major assurances is freakishly terrifying to me.  But the truth is those risks are required all of the time in building families and homes.  Because who can possibly hurt us more than the ones we rely on the most, and who can ever build us up more than those in who's presence we are most at home?

     So, here is my point in all of this rambling.  I want to not be afraid to not know what will come of something.  I want to be willing to jump and let The Lord make it what He will.  I want to have that perfect love which is the absence of fear, with everyone and not just with my best friends and the innocent children in my life.  I want to know that I can look at someone and think, "Yeah, lets just see.  I'm willing to risk it." I want to put as much of my heart into a possibility as I put into Jess' chuppah, just to hand it over with nothing but the hope that it is exactly what they were needing at just the right moment.    

On Painting for Love

     And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Galatians 6:9

     What does it mean to love someone and how do you show it?  This is a question that presented itself to me this last week when I found myself scrubbing doors and baseboards in my home.  There is a book out there that discusses the topic of 'love languages'.  It's a decent read and postulates the theory that there are five distinct ways that humans communicate love; through words, actions, gifts, time and touch.  The concept is that each person communicates and receives love through one or two primary channels and if you are attempting to show love through a different channel they may not recognize/acknowledge that love as you intended.  Hence, in order to completely communicate our love with one another we must recognize how we receive love and how the other person receives love.  (example: If you receive love best through time spent with you and I only tell you how much I love you, you will not feel the love that I am expressing to you.  On the flip side, if you spend all day with me and don't tell you how much you love me I may not feel your expression of love to me if I am someone who needs to hear the words.)

     For the most part I do not disagree with what this concept.  I think it is important to pay attention to how you express and receive love.  I also believe it is equally important to pay attention to how those you care about express and receive love.  To me it is a part of emotional communication that is necessary in any type of relationship.  (Now here comes the rear end) But...I believe this book misses out on something too.  I believe in order for a complete and perfect expression of love to exist there must also be love expressed in the smallest of details that may never be recognized by the other person.  Love does not only exist when the other person recognizes it, it exists in it's purest form when your words/actions cannot and may never be seen.  It is built on foundations that lie deep beneath the surface of what is obvious to others.  Its strength is in the constant and often ignored details.  Those things that are said/done for no other reason than to benefit the bond you are seeking to create.  There are so many examples I can draw from here, but I would like to share the one that struck me as I was crouched on the floor of my hallway scrubbing dust from unseen corners.

     This last week was my fall break and as I had no plans to travel I determined it was time to buckle down and begin repainting the interior of the house.  It hasn't been done in quite a few years and the walls were showing significant signs of wear, but up until now I have not had the gumption to begin such a daunting task.  I decided with a full week before me surely I could accomplish two rooms and a hallway.  The trick with painting though is you never realize how time consuming it will be until you begin the job and realize, you have to deep clean everything before you slap on new paint, there are cabinets that need removed and furniture that needs to be worked around, there are switch plates and fixtures that need removed and cleaned before being returned...the list grows as you dig deeper in.  Once I had the walls in the bathroom done I realized with dismay that the baseboards really needed a fresh coat of paint as well, then when that was done I realized the door looked pretty dingy.  On the afternoon of day four I found myself with the bathroom done and the hallway walls painted.  I decided the hallway baseboards needed done as well and thought, "I will just quickly wash the doors and their moldings at the same time.  Then it will all look fresh and clean."

     Half way through the cleaning job I am irritated that I started it.  It is taking forever and the result only shows me how much I need to cover all of it with a new coat of paint.  I have only revealed for myself the need for more time and work to be put into this project.  I think to myself, "Why not just leave it as is, who would care.  I only set out to finish the walls, why add in so much extra effort for something that won't even be noticed by most people who come in the house."  As I am struggling with the lazy part of me that doesn't want to add on to my growing list of chores, this tiny thought enters the back of my mind like a ninja time bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode and change everything I am thinking/feeling: "Who put in these baseboards in the first place?  Why did they put forth the effort? Was it worth it to them?"  The answers come quickly.  My cousin Bob built this home, out of love for his wife and his future family and if I asked him today I am confident he would say it was worth every exhausting moment.  With the answers comes my reflection on love in it's most fundamental albeit mundane form.

     The home I live in is owned by my cousin Bob.  After many years of living a Godly and single life he married his wife and built her this home through funds saved during his single years.  He built this home with his own sweat and love for her and their future as a family.  The friends and family members who helped him do so, put in their hours out of love for them.  Cement was poured, walls framed, tiles grouted, fixtures hung and baseboards painted....all in love.  Work that is not fun, holds no glory and is most quickly forgotten or passed over; but was not accomplished without the desire to express complete dedication, affection and a hope for the future.

     While I lay there on the floor scrubbing dirt and layers of faded paint away I considered the hours of life and energy that went into the building and maintaining of this home.  An imperfect building made into a perfect home because of the love put into it.  I considered all of the boring, time consuming and mundane tasks performed in this home on a regular basis. The sweeping, moping, dishes, landscaping and handiwork that goes regularly unnoticed.  Why do we do it all?  Yes, partly it is done to maintain a sanitary living space but there's more to it than that.  Or at least there should be more to it.  There should be a greater purpose in these chores we put ourselves through, there should be love in them, even if that love is never noticed or recognized by those we live with and do it for.  We should put it in there for them regardless of their seeing it or not.  Because it is the love we put into what we say/do, not how much they receive, that helps our bonds to strengthen and grow.

     As the mental time bomb exploded and cleared my mind, I found this new realization dawning, " I am not cleaning and painting all of this just because it needs to be done.  I am doing it because I love the owners of this home and want to maintain the building they have built out of their love.  I am doing it because I love my niece and roommate and want to give them a beautiful and secure home to live in.  I am doing it because with every stroke of the paintbrush I am telling them I love them and want to take care of their needs as best I can.  If that is not my purpose in all of this, I should just stop now, because there is no other purpose worth this much time and energy.  And it doesn't matter if they never see this as an expression of love, because the expression exists regardless of their recognition of it." 

     The task in front of me did not become any less daunting or frustrating after this revelation.  The work did not fly by magically because I had realized its greater purpose.  It was just as difficult, tiring and irritating as ever.  But in my moments of exhaustion and frustration I thought of the faces of the loved ones I was doing it for and my desire to throw in the towel went away.  And while they may never consciously know it, I will look at each surface and remember how much I care for them and that knowledge will inspire me to say/do more to show that love in other ways.

    

On Questions

     Matthew 14:25-31

     In English the definition of crisis is: a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger.  But in Chinese the word for crisis is wei-ji (or chi).  Wei meaning 'danger' and ji (chi) meaning 'crucial/critical point'.  I love the Chinese definition because it is not simply a moment fraught with fear and danger, it also holds the potential for growth and change.  If one is at a dangerous critical point it implies they have a decision to make and that decision may fundamentally change their future.  So a moment of crisis becomes a moment of opportunity.  It still possesses potential for failure and loss but maintains a hope of something better to come.

     I have been considering this word crisis in relation to one's spiritual life.  There is a tendency to see a 'crisis of faith' as the worst possible thing that could happen to someone.  As if when faced with such a crisis the person is doomed to utter loss and ultimate failure if those who are of strong faith don't forcibly pull them into safety. I would argue that thought process is believed to be based in love, but is truly based in fear.

     In my minds eye I see the iconic image of a fishing vessel tossed about on the waves of a great sea by an endless storm.  Inside of the boat is safety and security and outside of it is what appears to be certain death.  The majority watch the storm, looking to help pull to safety anyone who is trapped in the merciless waters below, but a few look out and wonder, "Is the storm truly that bad?".   Perhaps someone, whether drawn away and blinded by their own desires or called to accomplish something the others cannot yet see or understand, steps out of the safety of the vessel into the wildness of the crashing waves.  Out of love and concern those still within the ship call out, cry, beg and grasp for their loved one...afraid they will never be seen again.  Afraid they should have done more, should have seen them walking to the edge and given warning sooner.  Perhaps they have been calling and holding on for awhile, to no avail. 

     I wonder when Peter walked to the edge of the ship...what were those with him thinking?  Were they confident with the knowledge that Christ was in power and would keep Peter above the waves or were they thinking and telling him he was crazy and should never step out into certain death?  Did they warn him to stay in the safety of the ship or encourage him to follow their Savior?  He asked The Lord for something greater and was given a calling that required all of his focus and faith to accomplish.  It required him seeing and believing in something greater than the security of what he understood as safe and best.  He was in a moment of a great 'crisis of faith' and he had to make a choice.  On the one hand his current level of faith and understanding and on the other hand the potential for death or spiritual growth that would fundamentally change the course of his life. 

     Peter did not walk on water, he stepped out and was instantly overcome by the strength of the storm surrounding him.  In fear his faith wavered and he began to sink into the depths of the sea.  What were the thoughts of his brothers still in the boat I wonder....I can imagine what my thoughts would be.  A combination of terror for his safety and smugness in knowing I was right that it could not be accomplished and he should have stayed where he belonged.

     The thing is...even though Peter immediately 'missed the mark' (side note: the word sin in Hebrew means to miss the mark) and began to sink, he also knew who to turn to for help.  He cried to his Savior to lift him up and save him.  Immediately Christ was at his side raising him from certain death.  Here's the kicker, after bringing him up out of the sea Jesus did not chide Peter for asking to step into the storm and walk on water.  He only chided Peter for failing to believe He had all power over that which could destroy him.  He didn't say, "Peter you idiot why would you ever think you could ever step out of that boat and overcome the wind and waves, you are not the Son of God." instead he said, "Peter why would you doubt my power to hold you up in the midst of this storm?".  He wasn't upset that Peter had a 'crisis of faith' he was upset that Peter did not trust Him during that crisis.

     I know there are many of you who are or will be going through your own 'crisis of faith'.  I have mine just as you have yours.  I cannot decide for you and get you through them any more than you can for me.  What I can do is assure you of what I believe is true.  Your Heavenly Father is not afraid of your questions, nor your 'crisis of faith' in fact, I believe, He welcomes the opportunity to help you grow stronger through them.  As long as you are asking His direction through them He will show you when and where is the right time to step out in faith.  As long as you know to call out to Him for salvation when you miss the mark, He will lift you out of the waves threatening to cover you.  He does not expect you to remain in stagnant safety and security forever, He expects you to seek His guidance and believe that He has all power to hold you above the storm. 

The Gift of Healing

     Were you aware that prior to the mid 1800's it was a common belief and understanding that spiritual gifts like speaking in tongues, miracles, healing and prophecy no longer existed?  That our Heavenly Father did not directly communicate with and bless His people as He had in old times?  Check any church history prior to 1830, the concept of an active and participatory God who spoke to and through His children was nonexistent during the 18th and into the 19th century.  Oh, don't get me wrong there were many good and God fearing people with great faith.  They just didn't believe the gifts of the spirit were in existence.  And, barring some isolated incidents, I believe they weren't.

     Then in 1830 Christ re-established the fullness of His gospel on the earth.  And now, 183 years later, it is common in those of all christian faiths to believe in the active gifts of the spirit.  Prophecy, miracles, healings and speaking in tongues are all known and recognized gifts of the Holy Spirit that are understood to be active in the earth.  It is an amazing contrast that I cannot ignore.  What is my point?  Well, really that is just a tangent to my main purpose today.  I want to share with you a gift of healing I was given last night.

     So, about 5yrs ago I obliterated my ACL while skiing.  The injury required surgery and several months of rehab before I was moving normal again and unfortunately you can't sustain that much damage to a joint without weakening the entire thing which means that knee is forever my 'weak' knee.  People ask me which is my 'bad' knee...folks I don't have a 'bad' knee, just one that is weaker than the other.  It functions as it should, I just have to be more careful with the amount of stress and strain I put on it.  If a knee holds me up and functions it is not 'bad'.

     Anyway, awhile ago I learned the hard way that if my foot is planted solid and my upper body turns quickly to the right it sets off a painful chain reaction in my left knee.  I forget what the physical therapist said it's called, but essentially my MCL becomes inflamed and angry and refuses to fully extend or bend without severe pain.  apparently the pain is similar to actually tearing the MCL so it takes a week or two for them to be able to tell if it is just inflammation or something more severe.  (basically if it gets better with therapy its minor, if it doesn't get better...to the surgeon you go.)

     Last night after doing my workout I sat on the floor playing with my dog for awhile.  As I began to get up from the floor I felt a familiar stab of pain in my left knee.  Yep, it was that simple.  I was sitting and moved to a squatting position and instantly my outlook on the day darkened.  I attempted to put my full weight on my left leg and was met with such blinding pain that I literally cried out.  I knew immediately what part of my knee was angry, what I didn't know is how bad it was.  I stumbled into the kitchen grabbing chairs and counter tops for support as I went.  Each step brought forth a new cry and by the time I made it the twelve feet to the kitchen sink I was sobbing.  A combination of nauseating pain and paralyzing fear that something was horribly wrong dominated my being.  I took some ibuprofen and got my ice pack out of the freezer then moved with the speed of a half paralyzed zombie into the bathroom to get a wrap.

     Once set up on the couch with my leg up and on ice I began praying and begging God.  Please help this to calm down, please don't let it be bad.  I sent a message to my three best friends asking for prayers that somehow it would be okay.  About ten minutes into my misery one of my roommates came home.  She asked what happened and I could barely answer through my deluge of tears.  I told her I didn't know what was making me cry more, the pain or the fear that I had sustained a severe injury.  She made the decision that I needed administration and called for two ministers to come. Buckle up, this is where it gets really good.

     My neighbor (who is a minister in my church), his wife, a friend and another minister from a block over all showed up at my front door within ten minutes.  My neighbor's wife had just had surgery the day before and felt the need for administration as well.  We had a season of prayer after which both of us were administered to.  As the ministry laid their hands on my head and began to pray I immediately felt an overwhelming peace fill my body.  My muscles, tense from fighting the pain, fully relaxed.  My breathing became deep and even and my heart became calm.  As I spoke in my heart to my Heavenly Father, He answered through the prayers of his servants.  No joke, no exaggeration here.  EVERYTHING I asked Him for in my mind was immediately spoken of or referenced by the ministry in their prayers.  Before they even finished praying, I knew my knee was fine.  When they said amen they moved to my sister and began administering to her, and I took my leg down and bowed in prayer.  No pain when I moved, NONE!

     When my sister's administration was over I stood up and walked into the kitchen.  There was some pain as I fully extended my leg and placed my full weight on it, but I was walking around the house with only minor pain!  Not even a half hour before It took me ten minutes and significant pain/tears just to get ibuprofen and an ice pack.  The miracle of healing folks.  There are no two ways about it.

     Perhaps you chose to see my testimony as only a coincidence.  After all....the pain isn't entirely gone and I will have to baby my knee for a few days until I am 100% again.  Shouldn't I be perfectly fine and able to run a marathon if I was healed?  Well, I can't tell you what to believe only you can do that.  I can only tell you what I know.  I know that at 9:30pm last night I wasn't sure If I would be walking normally again without surgery.  After being administered to I was walking around my house with only minimal pain and this morning I was able to take my niece to school and take a trip to the grocery store.  That my friends is absolutely nothing short of a miracle.  That my friends is the power and gift of healing.  Take a look through your scriptures, where are we promised perfection?  We are promised to be given what we need, nothing more.  I am going about my day because He has healed me, the little pain that remains is only there to remind me of His gift. 

            

The Coupon

 Think about how a coupon is redeemed.  You purchase a newspaper and in that newspaper is a coupon for a free box of Cheerios.  You drive yourself to the grocery store and take a box of Cheerios to the register.  The cashier says that will be $3.26 with tax and you hold up your coupon saying, “No, this one is actually mine.”  You walk out of the store having redeemed the cereal for your own.  Well, that’s kind of how I see the redeeming love of Christ.  You see, before Christ came God’s people had to offer up sacrifices to God to cover their sin.  When Christ came and died on the cross He became the final and perfect sacrifice for sin.  It is His sacrifice that covers our sin and allows us to return to the presence of God when this life is over.

When I die I will stand before God and have to make an explanation for all of my actions that went against the law of God.  Because of my sin, I would be consigned to be separated from God for all eternity.  But, because I have chosen to be baptized and follow Christ I am covered by His sacrifice.  This is how I imagine that day:

 I imagine myself standing before the throne of God, remembering how I have failed Him and realizing I stand no chance to be allowed into His presence.  I am soon kneeling on the floor; my head is bowed because I am ashamed and scared to look at my God.  In my heart I am consigning myself to the fact that I have failed, when from somewhere behind me Christ walks to me and lifts my chin.  He looks into my eyes and I know that He knows me…I am His.  He looks at my Heavenly Father on His throne and lifts up a piece of paper.  As He hands the paper to my God and King He says, “She is covered.  I have claimed her as my own through my sacrifice.” When my Heavenly Father takes the paper in His hands I see that on it is written my name…in the blood of Christ.  Then Christ lifts me to my feet and I hear, “Welcome home my good and faithful servant.”

The thing with the plan of redemption is it only applies to those who desire to follow and belong to Christ.  He cannot cover the sins of those who do not desire to have a part of his sacrifice. 

On Being a Fool for Love

This is a moment of confession.  If you don't wish to see that I am made of flaws then you should go back to whatever you were doing before opening this page. (unless it was illegal or immoral, in that case please just keep reading)  However, if you are brave enough to love me flaws and all and would like to learn from my failures please continue reading.

For the past seven years (seven already?!) I have made my home in Phoenix, Arizona.  I love living here and have met many dear friends who have been a great source of strength and growth in that time.  I would not go back and change my decision to move.  That being said, seven years ago I left Missouri and my dear family and friends who are a huge part of who I am, and while I don't necessarily miss Missouri, I do miss my loved ones terribly.  So, I do my best to get back when I can and for as long as I can.

Anyone who has moved away from 'home' knows that you cannot successfully visit and spend enough time with everyone you want to.  Your time is spent a flurry of running from visit to visit trying to squeeze as much love into each moment you have.  Invariably you hop on the plane or into your car (why is it on a plane, but in a car?) happy with yourself that you have succeeded in spending time with everyone most important to you only to be hit with the realization of the one, two or ten people you failed to see.  So you make a plan for 'next time' to ensure those individuals get their proper amount of attention. (after all relationships, as anything else that grows, need time put into them or they wither and disappear)

In the past year and a half or so I have traveled back to Missouri about four times, and a couple of those trips have been for a good week or so which gave me time to reconnect with loved ones whom I had missed in previous trips.  It has been lovely.  My Aunt and Uncle (they are home to me in MO) live about 40min out of the city which was perfect because driving into town and back allowed me time to reminisce about days gone by.  For the last few trips as I drove past a particular exit in Blue Springs I felt a tug on my heart pulling me northward and I would ignore it.  "I have to be ..... in 15minutes to meet ..... I don't have time."  If I had followed that little tug, that whisper in my heart, it would have led me on a pretty winding road northward into a lovely subdivision and to the door of my dear friend Janice Welch.

A contemporary and friend of my mother, Janice seemed to always have been a part of my life.  When I moved to Missouri at the age of 15 her kids were around my same age and I became friends with them through our church youth group.  I was always in awe of Janice.  She was always  a smiling presence in church, but I feared she did not like me at all.

You see, when I was about 12 I had misjudged packing church clothes for a reunion and  ran out of things to wear.  Not wanting to wear dirty clothes I wore shorts to church and she gently reminded me shorts were not the appropriate choice for church. She was not rude or mean or harsh about it at all, but I was a very shy and diminutive thing (hard to believe, but it's true) who assumed everyone disliked me in some way. So, in my unreasonable 12 year old mind Janice would always see me as 'that girl who wore shorts to church'.  I never once thought to explain that it was done out of need and not disrespect.  Silly 12 year old girl.  So from that day forward I assumed I would never be worthy in her eyes.  And to me she was the pinnacle of what a lady should look like and say and do, a pinnacle that I would never get close to achieving.

Thanks to the grace of God that all changed when I was about 16.  I had been diligently seeking what in my heart needed to change in regards to my relationships with others and I knew this seed of doubt needed to be put to rest where Janice was concerned.  I felt convicted in my heart that I needed to just sit down with her and talk over how I felt.  I was terrified.  What if I had been right and I would always be 'that girl' to her?  Regardless of my fears, I realized it was not fair to her for me to assume she did not like me.  If I was not willing to give her the benefit of assuming her love then I was not worthy of her love.  So, one Sunday afternoon I pulled her aside.  She was floored.  She had not even remembered the incident from four years before and had no idea I had any reservations of her love.  That day Janice and I formed a bond which I am so thankful for.  A bond which helped show me the strength of love, the importance of communication with those you love and the beauty that comes in a relationship with another human being when you are willing to be terrifyingly open with them.

As I traveled the highway to my given destinations last year I remembered all the joy and love I shared with Janice and her dear family in their home.  The nights playing games, barbequing, singing together or watching movies.  The laughter and joy flooded back to me each time I felt that strange pull, the quiet whisper 'just go stop by and see if they are home'.  Each time I would tell myself no, "I'm sure they are busy," I would think, "They have their own lives to live, they are probably busy or tired and I don't have their phone number to call first.  I can't just show up, that's rude and they probably aren't even home."  And while I drove on my heart kept calling me back, "just go, you know you want to go.".

I wish I could tell you I listened.  I wish I could say I made that attempt.  That I stopped by out of the blue, ignoring social norms just because I wanted the chance to see Gary and Janice and hug them and tell them what they mean to me.  What a blessing God gave me in having their influence in my life.  Because you see, Janice has been battling cancer, and this past Monday evening the Lord healed her by calling her home to Him.  So I cannot plan to give her time on my next visit.  I cannot hug her one last time and make sure she knows how precious her influence was to me.  All that time my heart knew and pulled at me to go, but because of a fear of seeming foolish or socially inappropriate I ignored my opportunities. 

I am not writing this because I want you to have sympathy for me.  Don't waste your emotions on being 'sorry'.  I know that Janice now knows all things and knows how much I loved her.  She did not lose out on that knowledge, I missed out on the opportunity to share it with her.  Take this as a warning lesson.  Love is not about social norms or appropriateness.  And love comes in all forms, not just the romantic kind.  So think about who you love in your life and what they mean to you.  Have you gone out of your way to tell them?  Do you feel that quiet pull in your heart to say or do something that may seem foolish or out of the ordinary? DO IT, SAY IT!!! Don't fail in showing the love for someone that is in your heart.  

On The Women Who Made This Woman

"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." -Titus 2:3-5-

Yesterday I went rock climbing with my Colorado family.  If you have had the opportunity to meet them you know without my saying how awesome an adventure we had together.  I will not go into the details of our fun as that is not the point of this post.  The point is how my interaction with my Meah got me to thinking of all the women in my life who have helped to shape the woman I am today and what a great debt I owe to them for fulfilling their responsibilities of being a Godly example. 

I will start by saying that I battle with a fear of heights, it's enough to slow my adventurous spirit but it's mild enough it can be ignored when I am faced with the proper motivation to push through.  I was belaying Meah on one of the lower level climbing walls and right as she got to the point where I personally had felt terror trying to overtake my body she said she was done and ready to come down.  I complied and helped her to the ground and within a couple minutes she wanted to go up again.  I looked her in the eye and said, "I will belay you only if you push through your fear and go all the way to the top."  She assured me she would and got about halfway up the wall when she said she was yet again ready to come down.  "Come on Meah you've got this, I was scared right there too, just focus on where you are going to move next and you will make it."  Slowly she climbed her way to the top as I talked with her giving her pointers on good foot/hand holds.  When she tapped the top of the wall I couldn't help but let her know what a superstar she was.  By the end of the two hours she was climbing up several different walls and having a blast and even going out of her way to encourage me up one wall.  Toward the end of our climbing time she looked at me and with all of her 9yr old sweetness said, "Thank you for helping me climb and calling me a superstar.  It really helped and made me feel safe." 

I have been contemplating our exchange throughout my morning scripture read and was brought to remembrance of all the wonderful women who were, and still are, an example shaping and molding me into a better woman.  Essentially I just want to give a shout out to you all.  Some of you will know what you have meant to me already, but sadly some of you I may never have told and it is only right you should know your example has been seen and followed and become an intricate part of who I am.

So...to my mother who has ever been an example of giving 100% of herself in love, to my Aunt Bonnie who has been to me a second mother, to my grandmother who showed me the beauty of loving without using words, to my Aunt Eva Lyn who made me believe I can accomplish anything I decide to do, to my Aunt Leah who taught me hope is just as necessary and strong as faith, to my Aunt Bethany who taught me the importance of enjoying every minute you have with those you love, to my Aunt Lisa who taught me that sometimes a little bit of crazy is a good thing, to grandma Case who taught me that quiet is not the same as boring and everyone can benefit from a ladylike quiet, to Uncle Donnie's Bonnie who taught me you can be goofy and still be a lady, to Lana Hill who taught me the beauty of being a faithful wife and mother, to Aunt Linda who taught me the importance of love and patience in a marriage, to Aunt Paula who taught me that faithful doesn't mean pushy, to  Debbi Vogel who taught me what it is to put others first always, to Manon Lawrence who taught me that praising the Lord is a personal thing and not to think of what other's opinions are of my gift to God, to Janice Welch who taught me what it is to forgive and make amends with those you love, to Wanda Jo Eddy who taught me the strength in being humble, to Carrie Gier who taught me that a happy attitude will change your outlook on things for the better, to Chris Moser who taught me the ability of a mother's heart to love all who come her way, to Debby Brown who taught me the importance of having an open home and heart, to Kathy Ely who taught me what it is to love without losing hope, to Betty McIndoo who taught me what it is to love your children and family....Thank You.  More than I can say, thank you.

You should know this is not a comprehensive list, and I hope it is one that will keep growing for as long as I am alive.  That I will ever be learning and growing from the example of the women I know and love.  I hope and pray that I will live worthy of the women who's examples have touched my life, and someday my Meah will be able to look back and say that I was a Godly example and source of strength in hers.