On David and the Return of the Covenants

     Covenant: 1.) A usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement
                       2.) A written agreement or promise usually under a seal between two or more parties especially for the performance of some action.

     There are times when for no obvious reason I feel separated from the Lord.  I may be doing all that I know to do and praying to him, but somehow the communication is not happening.  In those moments I feel an anxious loneliness that builds inside of me and cannot be explained.  It's as though I can hear the song He is playing but, try as hard as I might, I'm just slightly off key.  I rack my mind trying to find why and how I am out of sync with His music.

     The past couple of days I have found myself in this state of limbo.  Longing to hear Him, see Him or somehow break that strange separation and truly communicate with Him once again.  This morning as I drove into work I contemplated my thoughts and feelings asking God, "What am I doing wrong that I feel so far away?  I want to feel you right next to me guiding and protecting me."  I waited for a brief moment, but nothing...so I turned on the radio and halfheartedly sang along.  All the while my heart was crying and after a few moments I could not ignore it anymore.  I turned off the radio and told the Lord I would just sit in the silence and listen for Him....nothing.  Mentally I began talking over my feelings with one of my friends when all at once it dawned on me....maybe I should just talk it over with Him.  Huh. That should have been more obvious.  So I started talking,  I started by apologizing if it was an incorrect approach but I just felt the need to talk with Him as though He was sitting right next to me.  I told Him how I felt and did not understand why.  Was there something inside my heart holding me back from Him?  Then it came.  No voices, no lightning or thunder, just a single thought, "your will". All at once it was that obvious, my will.

     This human heart of mine is such a willful thing.  Even in moments when I believe I have handed over the controls there is a part of me, ever so tiny, that withholds.  It was that part of my heart which was making me deaf to the Lord.  Keeping me from feeling His whole presence, because I was attempting to keep Him from the whole of my heart.

     I know you are wondering what this can possibly have to do with David of old...but I promise I am getting there.  Typically I start my morning with a run.  It's a beautiful run and a perfect way to start the day, but after my revelation on my way in I felt the need to spend the time walking with my Heavenly Father.  I wanted to watch the earth wake up while still feeling Him close to me, as if waiting to show me the day He created for me.  I turned on my praise music and began a slow jog along the canal where I run.  It was splendid and with each step I relinquished a little more of my personal hopes and desires.

     As I jogged I thought of David.  When he returned to Jerusalem with the Ark and Covenant.  I considered how he came before it dancing and singing praises to his God.  The story has always been intriguing to me.  I remember as a small child thinking his wife was probably right to mock him for acting like a fool in public like that.  As I have grown my outlook on the story has changed, but this morning I believe part of its purpose came into full focus for me.  Here was David, the king of a chosen people.  What responsibilities and weights must have been on his shoulders?  He believed in the faithfulness of his God and yet he was human and prone to failure.  How could he lead a people without divine strength and guidance?  Without a sacred covenant to lend him wisdom and truth.

     I don't know how familiar you may be with the history but the Ark and Covenant was not just a sacred relic or symbol.  It contained the expectations and promises between a people and their God.  It had been lost to them because of their refusal to fulfill their end of the bargain.  Because of their short sighted disobedience of God's laws.  Now, after years of struggling without the fullness of His presence in their midst, the people had turned their hearts to Him and were being given in return the sacred promises of God's guidance and protection.  The covenant was being returned into their midst.

     While thinking on what the scene may have been like and the joy at the Lord's return to their midst, I saw with perfect clarity how overwhelmed David must have been.  The all encompassing need to praise His holy name and the complete lack of ability to properly do so in our lowly human form.  Every cell in his body must have been bursting at the seams to shout praises to God and all he could do to show his thankfulness and praise was to leap and dance and sing like a madman. Then the thought hit me, "Did I not have a small portion of such a miracle this very morning?"

     Sure enough...I was separated from my Savior by my attempts to withhold my heart from Him and He, in His mercy, showed me the way to tear down those walls and be allowed back into His full presence.  True, mine was not on such a large scale, but was it not the same process?  Well...what else could I do?

     I knelt down right there on the canal path and thanked the Lord.  I don't remember the specific words except that I asked Him to help me praise His name through my words and actions throughout the day.  That I would be worthy of His covenant with me.  Then I went a little David all up and down that canal.  I danced around for all I was worth spinning and singing and thanking the Lord for His patience with me.

     I would love to say that my lesson is learned and I will never again allow my own will to cloud my relationship with my Heavenly Father...but I know my failings too well to lie to you.  I am a willful creature by nature and I am sure I will have to fight that nature until my dying day, but I am thankful that when I do fight it I will forever have this testimony to remind me.  May God bless your day and give you great testimonies of His ever present care!     

On Hollywoodesque Reunions

We all know and have been told since we were children that Hollywood is not real.  (the movie side of it anyway) Those romantic fairy tales, magical reunions and happy endings....they are our idealized versions of real life.  Well, I have been a firm believer in that outlook....until this last Saturday afternoon when something magical and purely Hollywood happened to me.  I know what you cynics are thinking because until recently I have been one of you, but perfect moments do exist.  Let me share one of mine with you.

I have a dear family in Colorado who I love with all of my heart.  Even into the tiny nooks and cracks and crannies that are usually reserved for dust and cobwebs.  My love for them is so great it spills over into every available space inside me.  I call them my Hedrickites.  I love each of them dearly and individually for the incredible loving and God fearing people they are and I love none more than the other.  But the littlest Hedrick and I have always had a very close bond.  She is my Meah and she is the spunky, stubborn, loving, courageous and shy ray of sunlight I hope to be someday.  When I am feeling timid or unsure about stepping out into something new I think to myself, "Meah would be brave and try it." and I go for it. 

I have not seen my Hedrickites in nine loooooonnnng months and I have been feeling it like an ache somewhere inside me that cannot be comforted.  When I learned they would be camping at the ranch in Heber with us this last weekend I began counting down the days.  Three weeks then two weeks then five days then two days then TODAY!!!!  They got to the ranch on Friday night, but because of work I could not travel up until Saturday morning. 

I woke up aching to jump in the car and drive like the wind on an open plain.  Too bad packing had to be done.  Finally we were on the road and heading to the wilderness and closer to my Hedrickites and my Meah.  As we drove the too familiar road from Phoenix to Heber my memory started playing old reels of family trips up to camp.  My first trip camping with them when as we drove through the pines up the mountains listening to an Italian aria by Josh Groban little 5yr old Cody out of nowhere burst out with, "This is so beautiful...it's all so beautiful."  The time when Trav and I got to ride up the ranch road being towed in the Bronco by his dad while we pretended to race up the mountainside at breakneck speeds.  The first trip with Meah when she was still an infant and I spent an entire church service walking up and down the campsite with her as she cried in my arms....and the perfect moment when she relaxed and trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms.

By the time we got into Payson (just about 30min or so from the ranch) my emotions became near overwhelming as I began to tear up at the thought of being so close to holding each of them in my arms.  It took all of my will power not to allow tears to flow freely down my face.  Instead I chided myself for being so weepy and stopped allowing myself to remember family trips. 

I don't know what kind of reunion I was expecting as I made the final turn into the ranch, but it was not the amazing reunion that occurred.

You know in those movies when people have been separated and as they see each other the world stops and they dramatically run toward each other yelling the other persons name until they collide into an embrace of perfect happiness?  Yep....that happened, no lie.  There were witnesses.

As my car came into view I spied my Meah playing on the hay wagon, her fiery red hair all glowing in the sunlight.  She looked up and as soon as she saw it was my car she began screaming my name and running toward the vehicle.  What else could I do? My car immediately went into park and I jumped out yelling her name and running to her across the small expanse of the meadow we were camping in.  I know there were others around us...I remember other human forms being there....but I cannot tell you who they were.  I only remember seeing my Meah in all of her grown up eight years leaping into my arms as we shared the best hug ever. 

You know, come to think of it.....it was way better than anything in a movie.  Movies can't come close to the perfect joy and love that exploded onto that field.  I challenge Hollywood to come up with anything that pure and happy and perfect.  Real life is so much better than movies.