Have you ever found yourself with a broken heart? Traced the edges of your wound over and over even though each pass of it's lines with your memory make it bleed ever more painfully? How long do you keep the would fresh, breaking it open every time you begin to forget; just to keep the memory of that relationship close to you because somewhere in your mind you are afraid if it ever heals they will be gone for good? How many times do you promise yourself you are done with love because the pain is not worth the loving?
I love my broken heart. In my mind I hold it up in the light of my memory and carefully trace each scar. Some are small and faint, others longer or darker in color depending on the size of the hurt incurred. One is fresh and still raw, it is the largest of them all. It is healed, but it's tissue is thin and still bruised along the edges. Of all the scars this is my favorite, because this one crosses the entire heart separating it in two. It is the deepest and of all has hurt the most. It is the one that taught me to be thankful for the other scars I had previously been ashamed of.
I am not someone who gives my heart away very easily. If you are over the age of thirteen it takes quite a while to earn my trust and quite a bit more to be given free reign with my heart. That being said, when I do give over my heart it is completely, no holds barred.
Well, a few years back I began a relationship and chose to give 100%. This was unprecedented as I have never given all of my heart in a dating relationship before and to do so without knowing for sure where the other person stood was not something I had ever been willing to do. I was terrified. What if I gambled big and gambled on the wrong person? How would I ever be able to take that chance again? Long story short, we are not together anymore, I gave all of my heart and wound up with it back in my hands in two pieces. For the last year and a half I have been standing there holding that heart and tracing the lines of my wound. Driving myself numb with the pain of it.
What if I had said or done something different? What if I were thinner would he have stayed? What if I were less serious of a person, more fun and engaging? What if my hair were different? If I were better, more kind, more understanding? I racked my mind thinking of things I could have said or done that would have made a difference, but there was no answer. Just a dark cloud that hung over my head raining down doubts and concerns. If he didn't want me would anyone? What's the point of dressing up, who would I dress up for? Why go out, I won't meet anyone and if I did why would they be interested in me anyway? I just need to work on me because there must be something wrong.
The crazy thing is I didn't even realize what I was doing to myself. That I was shutting myself off from happiness so that I could bemoan one relationship in my life. ONE......how many people do I know and love?! And I ignored all of that joy over ONE man.
My slow return to the sunlight began in September of last year. I decided to start writing this blog and focus on the things I love to do for ME. What I have been finding is that I love most to use my heart and love those around me. But I was still nursing that wound.....so it had to go. When you are holding your heart in pieces you only have two options. Keep it broken to remember and protect yourself from using it in the future or recognize that, being the strongest muscle in your body, when muscles repair they become larger and stronger allowing you to love even better than before. Since loving makes me happy my only option was to allow my wounds to heal over completely so that I can love bigger and stronger than ever.
It has been a four month process and it is not entirely over. But with every beat I feel the strength and joy of light and love coursing through me again and it is a beautiful feeling! I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and cannot wait to see what the day will bring. Sometimes I am so happy I feel like I could fly.
These days when I consider my heart and see it's scarred surface I am glad for the jagged lines. Not glad for the pain incurred or the many bad decisions on mine or the other parties side, but glad for the lessons learned in the process. Thankful that in loving comes healing and strength. My scars make my life and my heart unique. A heart without scars is a heart that has not loved, therefore to me the loving will always be worth the pain.
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