Emotional Nudity and Terminal Loss

I have a co-worker/friend who for the sake of anonymity I will call Sven (I chose the name Sven because I love my Scandinavian roots and Sven is of course a very strong Scandinavian name.) today Sven asked for the link to my blog.  I have to start by apologizing to you Sven because this post was supposed to be about you.  It still is, kind of.  But as I sit here writing and rewriting I am realizing it's about something more.

This spring there was born to my family a sweet new baby boy. Sebastian.  A beautiful name don't you think?  Sebastian was born healthy and strong and so beautiful into my youngest brother's family, the firstborn son.  A couple days after he was born a call for prayers went out, there was an infection of an unknown origin, doctors call it neonatal sepsis.  I was at work on a sunny spring day when I got a call from my mother.  They were on their way to the hospital, the doctors called and asked them to come as soon as possible....something was wrong.  I drove to a quiet spot and begged God to save my sweet nephew,  "We just lost Aunt Amy two days ago, it's too soon don't take him too."

A couple hours later I received a second call.  I drove to the station and walked into the locker room for privacy.  I have never acted out in anger in my whole life, but I could not hold it back in my grief.  I kicked and hit the lockers for all I was worth.  I screamed at God, "Why would you take him?!" My childish fit was over quickly as I shoved everything as deep inside as I could.  It's what I do best, shove it down, pack it in and gloss it over.  Place another layer of shellac over my armor so no one can see what I'm thinking or feeling.  Ignore the pain until it is a dull ache, after all life is pain right?  Armour slightly damaged but back in place I left the locker room to tell my sergeant I needed to go home.  It was my Friday anyway.

I spent the weekend dodging the 'I'm sorry's' and ' are you okay's' from everyone.  That's what I dreaded the most.  I wanted to scream, "He's dead what do you expect from me?", but I kept reminding myself they loved me and wanted the best for me.  So I slathered on more shellac and smiled my way through the weekend.  On Sunday morning I turned on my Pandora station and was hit in the face by a song from Steven Curtis Chapman titled 'Beauty Will Rise'.  I knew I needed that whole CD and immediately tracked it down on itunes to buy it.  That afternoon I listened to it and for the first time gave way to the grief trapped inside me.  I was so far away from my grieving family and had no way to run to them, that broke my heart most of all.  Did they know how much I longed to hold them?  Then I knew what I needed to do.  I called in to work for Monday and planned a memorial service.

Monday morning I sat down on the couch and opened with a prayer and a scripture reading.  I told Sebastian how much I loved him and how crazy it was that I would miss him so much when I had never even met him.  I wanted him to know I would miss watching him grow, but that I knew my grief was only for my loss and not for his.  He was already at the end of his journey and in the arms of the Savior and because I wanted to be there with him someday I had to tell him goodbye and not grieve for him anymore.  Because to be overcome with my own grief would hold me back in my own journey home and I couldn't bear the thought of never getting the chance to meet him.  Then I put in my ipod and listened to Steven Curtis Chapman as I gardened and cried the rest of the day.  Somehow as the sun began to set my heart began to feel lighter.

How does this have anything to do with giving Sven my blog link?  Well you see, even the handful of family and friends who I have told about this site have not all heard this story.  I am so used to constantly wearing my emotional armor that I keep it on even with those dearest to me.  As though I am somehow the Hoover Dam stopping some massive flow of 'Lauraness' onto the world.  Truth is I am not protecting the world from me I am shutting myself out from the world.  That is the fear I chose to face yesterday when I gave Sven my link.  What will someone think of me?  How will I ever be able to be 'normal' knowing the truth of who I am is no longer hidden behind some 'magical' smoke and mirrors showing what I imagine someone wants me to be instead of who I am?  Now don't get me wrong I am not at all willing to share this link yet with anyone and everyone....but it is a step.  Someday I will be more brave, hopefully.  For now though, Sven you will have to take me as I am here or just stop reading and pretend you never saw me emotionally naked. (yikes that's scary phrasing!!) And let me remind you....I did warn you before you started reading. Stop now or forever hold your peace. :)