Thou, which hast shewed me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth. Thou shalt increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.
Psalm 71:20&21
A week ago I embarked on a mini adventure. I live in Phoenix, Arizona and most of my immediate family live in Honduras. Two of my brothers and two of my nephews were going to be visiting in Kansas City, Missouri and I had a last minute four day window to visit them. Flight prices were cost prohibitive...but I enjoy a nice long road trip, so with some minor reassurance that I wasn't being totally insane I hopped into my cute little car and drove about 21hrs each way to spend two days with my dear family. The drive was 100% worth it from the first second of hugging just one of my brothers. I would do the drive all over again for that hug alone. But this tale is not about my visit or even about the 21hr drive both ways to make it possible. I just want to share my thoughts during 2.5hrs of it.
As I approached Wichita, KS on Easter Sunday 2018 I found myself driving into the worst winter storm I have ever experienced in my life. (Including blizzards in northern MN) The temperature sat at 27 degrees and the overcast sky began showering down a steady flow of sleet. Thus began the next 2.5hrs of driving through a rotation of sleet, hail, snow and rain. Yes, at 27 degrees somehow rain was also periodically falling. The roadway did not take long to become a platform of slush, ice and snow. Within about fifteen minutes I came across the first of seven accidents, three of which involved multiple vehicles and one of which shut down the freeway in the opposite direction.
For the first half hour or so, I was moderately concerned but expectantly waiting to reach the edge of the storm. The end had to be coming at some point right? As I traveled through the lonely stretches of the Kansas Flint Hills I saw shafts of light falling on the plains south of me and felt comforted that certainly I would come out of the storm shortly. Time and the endless storm ticked away with no relief in sight. No snow plows to clear the road, no major exits to stop and take a breather, just sleet, ice and snow from the heavens and gusts of wind attempting to blow me off of the roadway at every slick spot or curve in the road. By the end of the first hour I felt the tension rising in my shoulders and my anxiety increasing. What was the best thing to do at this point? Should I stop and hope they could clear the road but potentially be trapped with the weather getting worse? Should I press on and risk getting into an accident? Even if it were a minor accident it could take hours to get help in this weather and the middle of nowhere Kansas!! What should I do? What was the best course of action.
About an hour and a half into the storm, still with no sign of the storm letting up, I began to feel frustrated. I was praying for relief wasn't I? How was no relief coming? Not even a few minutes of the precipitation abating...just the steady game of 'what is it now? sleet, snow, rain, no hail!'. The road conditions became worse and I was constantly trying to decide whether to slow to a crawl behind someone forging the way or to risk crossing the icy patch in the center of the roadway to get past them. "I don't understand G-d?!!", I called out to my empty car, "You control all of this, you can make it go away in a moment, why aren't you even giving me a small break. It's so constant and exhausting, why won't you just let me have a break?".
In that moment I thought about the eye of a storm. You know that phrase? The eye of a storm is supposedly that central point in a cyclone where there is somehow calm. "Where is my eye in this storm?", I asked. "I am", He confidently whispered to my heart. "You are", I responded, "You are the eye of my storm. You are right here with me in this very moment, and if that is true then I have no reason to be stressed or afraid. Anything that this seemingly endless storm has to offer, has no power over me when you are here. I choose to believe you are here with me. I choose not to fear whatever this storm brings my way." I felt my body relax and my heart regain it's composure.
The storm didn't end. I was stuck driving through it the entire way into Kansas City. I wasn't magically free from frustration at my circumstances. There were moments in that final hour drive that I became even more stressed, and at one point I had to pause and call my bff Jess and rant about how upset and stressed I felt. I had to constantly remind myself that I was not alone on that road, that my G-d was right there with me and protecting me. It didn't always feel like He was, but I made it safely to my destination.
Sometimes a particularly bad storm feels as though it will never end. Like no matter how much we beg and plead there is no rest to be found. Sometimes storm after storm rolls over our lives crashing like frozen waves across our hearts. Sometimes it doesn't feel like G-d is there with us at all. Just because we are surrounded and our way is grim, does not mean He has left us alone. You know that phrase 'eye of the storm'? Well, there is an aspect of the eye that most people don't realize exists and that is called the 'eyewall'. It is a ring around the eye of the storm that is a literal wall of storms of the highest intensity. That's correct, just outside of the most calm area of a storm exists the most intense and dangerous area of the storm.
Perhaps, just perhaps...when we are wondering where our G-d is as we weather the ceaseless storms of life He is busy running ahead, behind and on all sides...keeping the worst of it all at bay. For you...his precious treasure and beloved child. Perhaps after all, He is just waiting for us to learn to rest in His promise through the storms.
I don't ever do this...but I feel this song fits what my heart wants to say perfectly today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9B-81mZV5E
