On Loving a Refugee Like Me

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof.  Selah.  There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.  God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.  Selah.

Psalm 46: 1-7

A refuge is defined as: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger or trouble; something providing shelter.

A refugee is defined as: a person who has been forced to leave their country in order to escape war, persecution or natural disaster.

          How many times in my short life have I run to my God seeking safety and a shelter from the storms of this life?  How many times have I been cast down, broken, lost and confused seeking protection from the constant war for my soul?  How many times has He taken me in, knowing that I would ultimately forget, deny or despise the gift of refuge offered to me in His love?  How often when refreshed have I ignored His care and turned to once again head back into the fray without his protection?  How many times have I wounded Him when He has offered me healing?  And yet every time I run to my God having recognized the danger I am in and seeking once more to be given refuge, His arms are open to receive me.  Because His love is not offered even though we might hurt or fail Him...it is a love that is offered when He knows it is in our nature to do so.  It is a love that is perfect and not extended on the condition of my perfection.  It is a love that we can never be worthy of and a love that we can always be sure of.  I am a refugee seeking the protection and care of my God, and He is perfect love always offering an anchor and refuge for my soul.

The Lee Family

          I was between 1-6months old ( I have no solid memories to tell me my exact age) when I met the first refugees who played a part in shaping my history.  It was 1981 and a call went out to families in the Twin Cities area to sponsor refugee families from Southeast Asia.  The Viet Cong had been engaged in an active genocide against the indigenous Hmong tribes in Laos for over a decade and many had fled to Thailand and Cambodia throughout the previous decade.  The US had finally allowed for a large influx of these refugee Hmong families to enter into the States, but they needed families willing to house and feed them and help them become established.  With much consideration and prayer and in the face of many valid concerns for safety, my parents answered the call and became a host family.  The Lee's came to live with us while I was still an infant.

          I cannot imagine the fears and concerns that must have been present when our two families first met.  How my parents must have wondered if these people were good hearted individuals or would try to take advantage of them in some way or pose harm to their children.  How my father must have contemplated the additional financial burden of caring for two families and somehow helping them become self sufficient when they barely even spoke the language.  How difficult it must have been for mom and dad Lee to leave everything they knew and loved to be deposited on the other side of the world unable to make their own way or even speak the language.  Dependent on the kindness and generosity of strangers, their only option to trust that these strangers who they can barely communicate with would not attempt to misuse them or harm their children in any way.

          At the time my family owned a rather large farm.  While the first Hmong immigrants were not yet versed in western civilization nor were they able to speak English with ease, they knew how to grow the most beautiful produce and they were brilliant at managing a farming business.  Within a few years my parents were established in the small Hmong community and offered to the families small plots of land for rent each spring/summer to grow produce that they could then sell at the local farmers markets.  Every 1-3 acres was cultivated by a different family who would come to the farm early in the morning and work until mid afternoon.  Every family would build small shade shacks at the edge of their fields and in the heat of the afternoon they would rest together and eat their lunch.  My brothers and I had an open welcome into any place at any time.  I grew up wandering from field to field, playing with the children my age, learning the traditional Hmong agricultural techniques, falling asleep in the shade with the sound of Hmong music wafting from a battery powered radio and the smell of sticky rice and pork.  

          The Lee family became an important part of our family and the foundation of who I am.  I am who I am because I was blessed by experiencing the world through their history and culture.  My love of sticky rice, spring rolls, peanut sauce and traditional Hmong ballads exists because of the love and trust built between two different cultures.  Because my parents felt the calling to open their home in spite of the potential concerns and the obvious fears.  The Lee family were able to find a home half a world away from home, because love conquered fear.

Honduras

          When I was three years old my parents embarked on what several in my family deemed a foolish and dangerous endeavor.  The country of Nicaragua had been embroiled in a violent civil war and thousands of refugees had poured across the border into neighboring Honduras.  These refugees had been stuck in camps within Honduras for several years at this point, with no right to enter the country they were in and no possible way to return to their own country.  After much prayer my parents decided it was time to go and see what could be done.  They loaded myself and my brothers into our Volkswagen van and we headed from Minnesota to Honduras.

          My father spoke no Spanish and my mother only a very small amount.  They didn't know specifically where they were going in Honduras, nor if they would even have access to the refugee camps or even what help they could possibly be.  Several family members offered to keep us while my parents went by themselves, but my parents decided if this was happening we were going as a family.  They didn't know the roads through Mexico or Guatemala and they had never crossed a border before.  They knew there were guerrilla forces in southern Mexico and Guatemala and they had taken missionary families for ransom before, but they were also convinced this was something they were called to do.  So, they packed everything into the van and off we went.  

          I do not have enough space to detail all of the amazing blessings that came from this single choice.  But I will sum it up this way.  After a decade of traveling to and from my 'patria chica' Honduras to bring relief to refugees and poverty struck Hondurans, I spoke fluent Spanish as did my brothers and all of my family (saving myself) chose to move there permanently.  In my time spent in Latin America I learned that my comfort and desires means little next to the greater purpose of service to others under the guidance of God.  I learned that the greatest gift you can ever receive in life is to serve another person.  I learned to love marimba music, the Spanish language, Mayan culture and history and that love does not live within the borders of family, race or country.

          One experience during these journeys that I would like to share is when the tables were turned and my family became the refugees dependent on the goodness of others in a country where we had no money and barely spoke the language.  We were traveling through Guatemala to Honduras and my parents decided to make a rare excursion off the main course to a nearby tourist town and spend the afternoon just visiting the country as tourists.  We parked the van on a side street and locked up before heading out to walk the nearby square.  When we returned a couple hours later we found that the van had been broken into and my mother's purse had been taken.  My mother's purse contained all of our money, traveler's checks and passports. We were now stuck in a foreign country with no money and no identification to allow us to get home even if we had money.  

          We piled into the van and drove to the nearest city that had a US Embassy, Guatemala City.  Guatemala is the largest populated city in the country and it's not known to be low on crime rates.  My parents were able to get ahold of my grandpa who was able to wire us money, but because the process of getting new passports could take weeks we had to use the money sparingly.  We parked the van across the street from the embassy and down the road from a Chuck-e-Cheese.  Maybe it was because they wanted us to have a distraction or maybe it was the best price for food nearby, but for whatever reason we frequented the Chuck-e-Cheese almost every day for over a week.  Our van was burglarized twice during that time, but we didn't have extra money to use on a hotel so we said our prayers every night for protection and slept right in the van on the side of the road.  I cannot remember if it was into the second or third week we were stuck there ( I was still young and those details escape me) but a young woman who worked at Chuck-e-Cheese struck up a friendship with my parents.  When she found out what had happened and where we were staying she did not hesitate to offer us to stay with her and her young son in their apartment.

          I don't have many memories of their apartment, except that it was far from large.  I remember feeling bad that I knew we had displaced this woman from her own room and bed but being so thankful to be able to sleep in a bed without being woken up by every sound outside of the van wondering if it was a thief trying to get in.  I remember playing with her son (who was a few years younger than me) and wondering if she was afraid to leave him with us since she did not know us or if we would try to hurt him or steal her things.  Looking back I cannot imagine the goodness that moved her to make this offer to what must have appeared to be a homeless and penniless family from a different country.  I cannot imagine being in my parent's position having to rely on the kindness of a stranger because they could not in that moment care for their family without the help.  The grace it must have taken to have made the offer and the humility that was necessary in order to accept the offer that was made.  The leap of faith in God and human kindness that it took to trust that one would not take advantage of the other.  They were only good and kind to us and never once made me feel humiliated or ashamed for the position we were in.  I don't remember the woman's name, I can't remember if my parents were ever able to find her again and pay her back for her generosity, I wonder sometimes who that little boy grew up to be and I pray that somehow God will bless them for their offer of love.  

Joe

          I don't remember how old I was when Joe came to live with us.  I know I was under the age of ten.  It seemed like all at once he was just there, a part of our family.  But my mother remembers an entirely different entry into our household.  When she tells the story she explains that one day my father drove into the farm with a passenger in tow.  The passenger was Joe.  He was over six feet tall and over three hundred pounds wearing dirty clothes with hair and beard down nearly to his waist and no shoes.  He smelled....well, not like a rose.  Dad explained that Joe needed food and a place to stay for awhile.  My mother will tell you she was terrified on their first meeting and wondered if my father had brought home an ax murderer and when he might kill us all in our sleep.  She will tell you it took her several weeks before she felt like he wouldn't randomly flip out and become homicidal on us.  Joe was a vet who was down on his luck and had become homeless.  Looking back I am sure he struggled with some PTSD and probably self medicated to some extent.  

          Joe ended up living with us for years on the farm.  He never told about his time in war or how he ended up where my father found him on the side of the road.  But he told us about his travels around the US.  He also told us about his time as a chef and made the most delicious duck a'lorange.  He was always happy when baking or cooking something and always talked to me about how cooking was an artistic expression that required more than just mixing spices together.  To have a truly good dish you had to put your heart into it and 'feel' the right blend of spices.  Joe was strange and truly odd and I am confident he secretly slipped away to smoke pot out in the woods (although he never once brought anything of the sort around me or even discussed it in my presence.) but he was also someone who was perfectly gentle with me and who I felt 100% safe with at all times.  I remember many times my father telling me that Christ loved the most unloveable of men and if we are to be like Him than we must find what is worthy of love in the most unloveable of mankind.  When he met my parents, Joe perfectly fit the description of unloveable in every way.  To take him into their home was to take on a tremendous risk.  But to deem the risk too great because he was unloveable would have meant missing out on knowing all of the loveable qualities that he possessed.

          These are some of my experiences growing up with and loving the refugees, poor and lost from our country and other countries.  These are some of my experiences being in the position of a refugee myself and knowing what a gift it was to have a willing soul offer us their protection and care.  The extension of safety, protection and humanitarian care must always be prayerfully considered.  But if we allow fear to stop us before we have even considered it...I believe we have missed out on the blessings that can come from a gift of that magnitude.

On the Lies of Walt Disney and Nicholas Sparks

          Here is my one and only caveat on this post: these are my personal opinions formed by my individual observations and reflect only my perception of things.  I will not apologize for my individual observations nor will I dispute your right to have other observations.  I am not postulating that I possess any wisdom on these matters, they are merely my musings and I expect no one to change their lives over my personal thoughts.

          I have considered for much time the possibility of writing a post of this nature.  I have always hesitated because I am not sure how I want to shape it yet and because I (who have only had two dating relationships in my nearly thirty-five years of life) feel like it's too easy for someone to pass over what I am saying as baseless.  I have not 'found' the 'love of my life' so how could I possibly know anything about a relationship like that?  How could I have any relationship wisdom to offer someone?  If you doubt my ability to offer any perspective...feel free to stop reading.

          While talking with a co-worker today we began to discuss relationships and I pointed out a couple things that I have observed and experienced through the years.  I was surprised when she became very quiet and told me that she was so glad we were talking about this because my comments had given her a new perspective and she had to consider what I had said.  I was partially surprised that she was taking my observations with careful introspection, but also that these concepts which seem so obvious to me may not really be obvious at all.

          All of that being said here are a single, thirty-four year old, healed broken heart, dating rarely to never woman's observations on love and relationships.

• If you cling to a preconceived notion of what the perfect relationship is supposed to look like, you will be disappointed in any relationship that you have. 

• We all have preconceived ideas of what 'true love' is supposed to look and feel like.  They are created from watching the relationships around us, reading novels, watching television and movies that depict a great and timeless romance.  It's normal to form an idea of something that you would like to possess and imagining what you think it will be like.  The problem comes in when we cling so strongly to that preconceived notion that we cannot reconcile reality to the dream.  Have you ever heard the term 'in love with being in love'?  These are those people.  They have created an ideal that is so perfect they cannot accept any variation of that idea and therefore any relationship that does not fit perfectly into this picture cannot be 'true love'.  Relationships are only as perfect as the people in them therefore 'true love' is accepting that the person you have chosen may not meet your ideals every day for the rest of your life.  And the real shocker?  You probably won't meet theirs either.

• Whether you realize it or not, you DO have a preconceived notion of what 'true love' looks and feels like.  
• Don't believe me?  Picture the perfect evening with the perfect mate.  What does he/she look like, smell like, what does his/her laughter sound like, is he/she talkative or quiet, what do you like to do together?  If you honestly know the answer any of these questions, you have an ideal.  That's cool.  Just don't let that ideal destroy what may be a real loving relationship.
• If you spend all day/all night messaging or talking to someone and sharing your joys, fears, anger, tears with them...I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are in an intimate relationship with them.
• We have this ignorant concept that if we say we are not in a relationship with someone that means we are not, even if our actions say otherwise.  Consider who you speak to all day and night at any hour and that person always responds immediately without fail.  They never are showering, sleeping, working or out to eat when you are wanting to talk.  My mother carried me in her body for nine months and gave birth to me...she is not even available 100% of the time.  She tries to be, but life sometimes sneaks in and I have to wait for a response or a call back.  I know there are times when we are not ready to admit we have fallen into an intimate interaction with someone, that we feel anxious if they don't immediately respond and mildly elated when they do.  But the fact of the matter is the only time you have an immediate and constant interaction with another human being is when you are in an intimate dating relationship with them.  Especially if you are sharing the private highs and lows of your day with them.

• Walt Disney's 'happily ever after' ending with no imperfections created a lie that has  distorted the reality of being happy in a relationship.
• For as long as we are on this earth we can experience sadness, trials, loss, joy, hope, pain and love (among a host of other emotions).  To expect 'happily ever after' to include no growing pains or irritation or sorrow is to expect real life to be perfect.  It is not.  When we were children and watched Walt Disney cartoons we saw the knight on a shining horse (or worse, the rouge who for love fundamentally changed his entire character) swoop in and save the princess from a fate worse than death.  After which they immediately knew they were meant to be together and they lived 'happily ever after'.  What Walt never bothered to show us is that 'happily ever after' includes screaming children and endless diapers, laundry and dishes, waking up after three hours of sleep to stumble like a zombie to work an overtime shift to make enough extra money to cover a bigger mortgage because you have grown out of your tiny home.  'Happily ever after' doesn't always look happy, sometimes it looks like torture.  What Walt never explained is that it's possible to be happy in pure misery because you choose to love the person who is trudging through that misery with you.

•             Why does any of that matter? Let's consider this for a moment. If I grew up watching my favorite princess cartoons and created this longing for someone to swoop in and 'rescue' me from any real or perceived wrongs in my life, assuming all the while that as soon as this person comes and pulls me out of my current life into 'happily ever after' all of my concerns will disappear and we will ride off into the sunset perfectly happy for rest of our lives...what will I think when real life sets in and 'happily ever after' feels like misery in the moment? Might it be reasonable for me to assume that I was swept up by the wrong knight? If I could just get out of this situation and find the 'right' person... he would certainly save me and we could be 'happy ever after'.

• The only sure thing in a relationship is that you are both fallible human beings and at some point in that relationship you will end up hurting and disappointing each other.
• You cannot expect perfection in another person any more than they can expect it in you.  We all fail and we will all fail each other at some point in time.  And yet, when it comes to our most intimate relationships we somehow think they should never fail us or hurt us.  This is not meant to spread doom and gloom, it is meant to make you more aware of the facts.  It's not about if someone fails you, its about when they fail you will you have enough love and grace to forgive them?  Better yet, when you fail them...will they have enough love and grace to cover your failures?  Can the two of you together build a love that is strong enough to recover from even the deepest wounds you could imagine?  If you step into that relationship expecting the other person to never fail you...you have given them an impossible task and you have already failed them.  This is not to say you should just ignore or accept another persons flaws, it's to say you should be prepared for the possibility of failures and to work through them together whenever possible.

• Nicholas Sparks does not write about monumental love stories that changed time and space, if you knew those people (and you probably know some version of them) you would be exhausted by their drama.
• Look at the real love stories that stand the test of time and trials.  Are they built on the constant cycle of  I love you , I hate you, you hurt me, I cant live without you, get away from me etc.?  Or are they instead built on a steady foundation of knowledge, acceptance and grace?  I am not saying those true love stories don't have moments of drama or flashes of desire, but they probably weren't in a constant cycle of drama and desire.  It's not a sustainable cycle.  Humans become emotionally drained and need time to rest.  A Nicholas Sparks romance never gives time for an individual to rest in the love of another person, because they are too busy constantly cycling through emotions.  True love should not exhaust you to the point of wanting to hide in a dark closet just to be alone and think.

• If this person does not make you better by knowing them, if you do not make them a better person...what is the ultimate goal of your being together?
• I am someone who believes that we all have a purpose in this life.  I know my individual purpose is to serve my God.  Why would I commit to sharing my life with someone if they do not help and encourage me in that goal?  Why would I allow them to be tied to me if I know they are not fulfilling their purpose in life more fully for being with me?  In the past I have devoted my heart to someone who did not encourage me to be the best person I could be.  I lost myself in my drive to hold onto him.  And to be fully honest, I didn't help him be a better man either.  We were not better individuals for being together.  I held on frantically for awhile, because 'I loved him'.  What I painfully learned is, I can love someone with all of my heart and not be the best match for them.  So, if I truly love him and know I do not help make him the best man he can be...would I not love him best by letting him go?  I loved him then and I love him still, and we are not together because I finally loved him enough to walk away.

• If you are interested in someone you must immediately make a list of any flaws you can think of in them.  This will act as your tether to reality when the rose colored glasses go on and you no longer see flaws.  Ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with the items on the list.  If you can...pursue it. If not...walk away before you become invested. (advise from my father)

• If you are interested in a man watch how he treats the following people: his mother-because at some point in your relationship he will feel like you are mothering him, his enemies- because at some point in your relationship he will see you as an enemy, the 'unwanted'-because at some point in your relationship he will be tired and see your presence as a nuisance,  his friends-because more than anything he should always be your best friend. (advise from my mother)

          I could go on ( I have too many opinions) but I will spare you the rest.  If you have read this far you are probably either enraged or tired of my opinions by now.  I am sure I am not 100% correct, but I am also sure I am not 100% incorrect.  Take what you will from it and leave the rest.  They are, after all, only random thoughts.
   
    

         

I Can Do All Things

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Philippians 4:13

          Whenever a child tells me 'I can't do it' my immediate response is, 'We never say 'I can't' because that is not true.  Sometimes things are very hard or you don't know how to do them and it's okay to acknowledge that and say 'it's very hard or I don't know how' but nothing is impossible if we try our hardest and pray for God to help us.  You CAN do it.'

          I realize they are probably only half listening and wondering when I am going to stop talking and let them play already, but I feel very strongly that it is an important distinction to make for myself and for a growing child.  I want them to grow up knowing that if they give 100% and seek the blessings of God, they can accomplish things that seem impossible.  I also want and need the reminder for myself on a regular basis.  I find that most times when we look at something and say 'I can't' what we truly mean is 'I don't know how', ' I am scared I will fail', ' I know it will be very hard and I don't want to try'.  Can't becomes what we say when the truth is we won't.   

          Sometime last year I set a goal for myself.  I decided I would run a marathon before I turn thirty-five.  I began training and preparing for races.  I then selected the marathon I wanted to run and began working toward it.  In January I ran a 15K with a good friend of mine.  It was a beautiful day and I felt fully confident and on the path to achieving my goal.  I noticed some pain in my Achilles but chalked it up to the stress of the run I had just completed.  Within two months I could barely walk around the block without severe pain and I began to have shooting pain up the back of my legs.  I ended up in physical therapy with tendinitis in both Achilles, Posterior Tibial Ligaments and Plantar Fasciitis.  It took three months of physical therapy before I could even begin light hiking and a couple months more before running any distance without risking permanent damage was an option.  My goal seemed foolish, it couldn't be done.  I struggled against gaining weight and a deep sadness that I cannot even explain.  Silly to be that down over something so simple as restricted movement.  I still was abundantly blessed and was slowly recovering, but the sadness was very palpable.

          As soon as I was cleared to begin running again I was hit with the realization that in a matter of months I had gone from completing a 15K to barely finishing a mile and having to baby my still recovering feet.  I struggled with the desire to just give up and only focus on exercises that didn't require stress on my feet.  If I couldn't make my goal what was the point anyway?  During this period of recovery I became very dependent on the above verse from Philippians.  If I believe this is a promise from the creator of the universe and if I believe that He is faithful in all of His promises, then I must conclude that hope is not lost and therefore I should not give up.  The progress felt tremendously slow, but I did not give up.

          About a month ago I mentioned to my cousin and one of my best friends that I had made this goal of running a marathon and I thought I had found one that I could train for and complete just two weeks shy of my thirty-fifth birthday.  To my surprise...she told me she would train and plan to run it with me. I was over the moon thrilled when two more dear friends spoke up saying they would like to tackle the course as well. I set up a coaching program and I began doing light training to prepare myself.  I was full of thrilled excitement at the prospect of actually making this goal become a reality when I made the fatal error of looking ahead at my training schedule.  I believe there is a good reason we are not given a play by play of our futures.  Can you imagine how terrified we would be to see the obstacles coming our way and not have the gift of blindly working through the small steps that take us through them?  I stared at the numbers on that schedule and thought, "I have been running 10-12 miles each week and I'm supposed to do that much in a single run in how many weeks?  I can't do that!"  I was scared, worried, unsure of how it would be accomplished and concerned my body wouldn't hold up through it all.  

          The next morning I was scheduled to complete a 4 mile run.  It took me two hours and lots of prayer before I was able to work up the desire in myself to go out at all.  As I ran I thought, "If I have lost my drive to run at this point, how in the world will I encourage myself to go out and run when I'm supposed to go for 10,12,16 or 20 miles at once?  I don't know if this is possible.".  When I got back to my house I started reading through scriptures and stopped at the verse in Philippians.  As I read and re-read the scripture, the realization dawned on me that I can't do it...by myself.  I don't have the strength, desire or athletic ability to accomplish such a large goal on my own.  But I was not doing it on my own.  I had several friends working toward this goal with me and even better than that, I have the power of the creator of heaven and earth on my side...if I will dedicate the time and efforts to Him and ask Him to help me.

          So, here I am proclaiming to the world.  This coming Monday I officially begin my training schedule.  It is my intention to run the Phoenix Marathon this coming February and I will dedicate all the time in training that I can to reach that goal.  I know however, that I will not reach that goal with my own personal strength and efforts alone.  I also know that:

• I am scared I will try and fail
• I am scared I will not be able to run fast enough to make the cut off time
• I am worried I will sustain another injury and have to stop in the middle of my training
• I am terrified at the thought of running over 10 miles at a time much less 26.2
• I am concerned that on the day of the race I will become injured or sick and not finish
• I have no idea how I will be able to successfully accomplish this
• I am scared that I will have to admit to everyone that I did not make it 

That all being said; I am also confident that God's promises are true and if I focus on one day at a time and ask Him for strength when I feel mine is gone, He will be faithful to carry me through to the finish line.  

May you find that God is your strength through every trial in your life and may you find that in relying on His strength all of your doubts and fears are replaced with the knowledge that in Him the only thing you can't do is fail.  
 

           

Psalm 34

 I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

 My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

 O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.

 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

 They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

 The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

 O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

 O fear the Lord, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

 The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

 Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

 What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?

 Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

 Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

 The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

 The face of the Lord is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

 The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

 He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

 Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate.

 The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

          I love this chapter more than I can express.  This Psalm holds in it promises from The Lord to those who love Him and those who despise Him as well as the duties of those who profess to love Him.  It is a comfort to those who love Him and it is also a litmus test to determine whether your heart truly is where you profess it to be.  It is also a beautiful and poetic description of a very active relationship between a people and their God.  Because our God is alive and active, and if we are living in His love we will be actively participating in that love.  Love is an action, not a location.  I could go on and on about this chapter, but instead I will give you an explanation of the words I have highlighted and how they speak to me personally.

Blue - The overt actions of someone who's heart has been touched by the Lord.  They will actively bless, praise, boast about, magnify and exalt His presence in their life.

Purple - The actions we must take if we love the Lord and seek to serve Him.  If you want a personal relationship with God you must.  Seek, look, cry out to Him, fear Him (If you look up the definition of fear in this chapter, it is not fear in the sense of terror but respect and honor.), taste, see, trust, come, hearken, desire, love, keep your tongue, depart from evil, do good, seek peace, pursue, have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  This list may seem long, but in return for your efforts God promises to always:

Green - God's promises to those who love Him.  He will always hear you, deliver you, lighten you, save you, send his angels to encamp around you, be good, bless you, ensure that you do not want, teach you, keep His eyes always on you, have His ears always open to you, be nigh unto you (near you), keep you and redeem you.

Red - God also has promises to those who despise Him and choose to do evil.  He will always have his face set against them, cut off their remembrance, allow their evil choices to slay them, and leave them desolate.

On Wants, Needs and the Endless Struggle

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.  And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

1 Timothy 6: 6-8

     But godliness with contentment is great gain...this phrase has been dancing around in my mind for the last week.  It is deceptively simple.  The mathematician in me sees it as a simple equation.  You behave in a godly manner, you be happy with life and you will gain great things. Easy Peasy...if you are not a normal human being with wants and needs who struggles to submit your will to The Lord.  If you should find it easy to be godly and content...congrats, you're probably pretty close to being done with this whole probationary period.  Hopefully I'll get to shake your hand on the other side and you can tell me all of your secrets you super christian ninja!  (As you can tell from the sarcasm oozing out of me...I'm certainly not there.)

     Do you ever stop and consider how we are never content?  Never.  There is never one moment in our human state when we are not striving, hoping, yearning or agonizing over the next 'thing' that will somehow bring us to this perfect indescribable state of completion.  Babies work nonstop to become verbal, mobile and independently functioning human beings.  Children are aching to be older and do more.  Adolescents can't wait until they drive, go to college, get a job etc.  When we become young adults we ache to have 'someone', to find our perfect career.  When we settle into that career we work harder and harder to promote within it.  When 'someone' comes into our lives and we are finally married we seek to create our 'family' through children.  When we have promoted as far as possible in our job we long for the day when we can retire.  The list goes on and on until the day we are lowered into the grave. 

     I don't believe any of those things I mentioned are evil desires.  To the contrary, I believe they are good and necessary.  If there were nothing to strive for in this life we would quickly loose all desire to do anything.  That is human nature.  And yet that verse repeats in my mind...but godliness with contentment is great gain.  If our drive comes from an internal need to improve our state in life, wouldn't contentment be the enemy of any reasonably active person?  Wouldn't contentment be the enemy of diligence and determination?  At a minimum it's lazy cousin?  And yet we are cautioned that combined with godliness it is great gain.  What does it mean to be godly and to be content?

     In my pursuit of this answer I looked up the definition of content which directed me to the definition of satisfied, which directed me to the word appease.  Mildly frustrated with definitions that only reference other words, I was expecting even more ambiguity when I looked down below the word appease to see: to bring to a state of peace or quiet.  I couldn't help but smile.  What a perfect definition and a perfect description of what The Lord does for my ever yearning heart.


     I love my life.  I have amazing friends and family that span multiple continents.  I have a job that is more fun and fulfilling than I ever could have imagined.  I have a nice roof over my head, a reliable car to drive and plenty of food to eat.  If I made a list of my blessings day to day you would quickly be overwhelmed at its size, I know that I often am.  And yet....and yet...there are things that I hope for but have no evidence will ever come my way.  I realize this is not a unique experience and am convinced we all have our secret (or maybe not so secret) hopes for our future or the future of our loved ones.  Those hopes are not bad things, they do not imply that we are desperate or weak or unable to accept the blessings we have been given.  It is good to hope for good things, and we should hope for them.  So, how do we keep that hope alive without allowing it to overshadow the place in which we currently reside on our individual time lines?

 

     I believe that contentment is tied to faith and that it is indeed a gift that comes from exercising faith.  In Hebrews 11:1 it says that faith is the substance of the things we hope for and the evidence of things we cannot see. (my paraphrasing)  Throughout my life I have struggled with various things that have the power to make me discontent.  I could use a new car, I don't make as much money as I would like, I'm still single, I would like to travel more....all of these things fight to take away my sense of peace.  Our culture in general and sometimes even well meaning family/friends emphasize these 'needs' that we have or aspects of our lives that are somehow 'lacking'.  If we are being honest with ourselves we have all fallen prey to forgetting the blessings we are surrounded with and focusing only on that one thing we hope for that has not yet made it's appearance.  And if we are being honest with ourselves we have all fallen prey to accidentally being that family member/friend who points out where another person's hope is yet to come to fruition.  Being the 'salt in the wound' instead of the 'healing balm' that reminds them that you have faith in their hopes.

 

     When I find myself trapped in the battle (And when I say battle, I mean battle in all of its implications.  I mean straight up arguing with God because I don't understand or like the answer I'm getting.) between what I want, what I have and what I truly need, it is faith that guides me back into a place of inner quiet.  It is faith that reassures me I have not been forgotten and I will not go without anything that is needed.  I choose to believe in a God of miracles who has power over the whole of heaven and earth.  I choose to believe His promises to me will not be forgotten or unfulfilled.  I have seen His righteous hand move in my life and bless me in the past, and I choose to believe He will bless me in the future.  I choose faith, and when I make that choice it becomes the substance that sustains my hopes for the future.  It becomes to my heart all of the evidence that I need to believe in what I cannot see.  And in that moment, choosing to believe in the God of Abraham, Issac and Joseph, He responds with a gift of reassurance.  I find that my heart, which moments before was in complete turmoil wondering what and how and why, has become quiet and full of peace.

 

     This does not mean that I no longer hold out hope for that thing in my life, it simply means I have peace with and accept that it will come how, and when God chooses.  It means that I have, in that one point, given my will up to the will of God because I trust in Him to direct my life as He sees fit.  It is in this process of exercising faith and giving up my will that I am able to be content while I wait on His promises for my life.  Contentment is great gain because it is through the process of obtaining it that we are able to strengthen our faith and sacrifice our will to the will of our creator.  The sacrifice of our will to God is the only true offering we can ever make to Him, for it is the only thing of our own that we have to give.  In that sacrifice we show Him our love and in response He shows His love for us by giving our hearts true contentment.  A peace that passes all human understanding.  

 

       

 

                

On Kodak Memories

      It always begins with the warmth of the sun.  Whenever I think of my grandfather, regardless of the memory or when it was made, I immediately feel the penetrating warmth of sunlight.  It's followed by the sight of a twinkling eye an open toothed grin and the sound of laughter, both light and full.

     I once had the privilege of sitting inside the towering walls of a bamboo forest.  When the wind moved in the tips of the bamboo the stalks would sway and hit one another causing a full and deep, yet somehow gentle, sound to play on the breeze all around me.  That's how I remember grandpa's laugh.  Like the wind through a great bamboo forest.

     I can see him perfectly in my mind's eye.  His left hand (palm out and thumb down) balanced perfectly on top of his right hand (palm in and thumb up).  He would hold his hands out in front of his face, forming a perfect rectangle that framed his eyes.  He would say, :You don't need a camera to make memories that will last forever.  Any time you want to remember something special you just stop and think 'I want to remember this moment forever' that's how you make Kodak Memories."  All of these years later and that's how I remember him best.  The man who taught me the pledge of allegiance, how to properly use my singing voice and how to give the softest of Eskimo kisses.  In flashes of memories like still frames frozen in my heart.

     There is heat emanating from the smooth hard surface of the metal wagon that is spinning me in tight loops around the yard.  It is pulled by a loud and angry riding lawn mower.  My fingers ache as they grip the sharp angles of the wagon's side.  I cannot tear my hands free but I refuse to let grandpa know how scared I truly am.  I feel at once exhilarated and terrified as the engine belches out it's syncopated rhythm with its raucous motor swallowing the sound of grandpa's cheery cry, "Hang on kids, it's about to get bumpy!."

     It is late spring or early summer and we are having a picnic of some kind.  I am surrounded by family, friends and laughter.  I can smell the odors of freshly turned earth, newly mowed grass and a mix of blooming lilacs and peonies.  Odors that I will come to forever associate with home.  I climb up the side of the table and into grandpa's open arms.  As I lean in to give him a hug my cheek rubs against his, stirring up the spicy musk of his aftershave.  His cheek is warm from the sun and scratches mine with the stubble of his beard.  A giggle bubbles to my lips and is echoed in his responding laughter.  His whole chest heaves as he laughs and cuddles me into the safety of his arms.

     I wake up feeling perfectly comfortable and still.  My face is pressed deep into the cushions of the 'medicine couch' in grandpa's office.  I breathe in deeply the scent of the couch mixed with old papers, books, fresh ink and grandpa's spicy aftershave.  I lie still and try to keep my breathing regular and calm.  I don't want anything to break the delicate web of this perfect moment.  Eyes fully open now I take in the golden hue of afternoon sun streaming through the window and bouncing off the cream colored walls.  Behind me I hear the steady rhythm of typing and the reassuring squeak of metal as grandpa shifts in his chair.  Mentally I trace lines on the thick off white paper I know is secured in that great brick of a typewriter which makes its home in the center of his desk.  Thunk, tic, tak, toc, chink, tak, tic, tak....ping!  Whirr....next line.  I slowly and quietly rotate my body around on the couch, careful not to alert him to the fact that I am awake.  I study the shape of his head under thinning grey hair, the line of his neck disappearing into his sharply ironed collar.  "I want to remember this moment", I think, "I have to remember every detail!".  Grandpa spins to grab a sheet of paper at his side.  As he swivels in the chair his eye catches mine.  The fragile web is broken, the moment suspended forever in my heart.     

Children of the River Gods

Special

adjective

1.) Distinguished by some unusual quality; especially: being in some way superior.

2.) Held in particular esteem.

3.) Readily distinguishable from others of the same category.

4.) Being other than the usual.

5.) Designed for a particular purpose or occasion.

          Have you ever been told you are special?  Perhaps you were in elementary school and a teacher pulled you aside to whisper in your ear, "you are so special".  Maybe a family member who loved you more than their own life would cuddle you and tell you how special you were.  Maybe you were the kid who used it as an insult to others, "ooohhh...you're special!!".  Whatever the circumstance it's pretty safe to assume in our day and age that at some point in your growing years you were reassured about how very special you were.  In fact, it has become such an ingrained term in our society that it almost feels abusive NOT to reassure a child of their specialness.  Well, if you fit into that line of thinking, you should sit down or perhaps stop reading at this point in my post.   I'm about to contradict everything you have been raised to believe.  I'm about to tell you just why I believe you are in fact, not special.  Your mind might be reeling and unable to focus as I have just knocked you off your pedestal, so let me repeat that for you.

You are NOT special.

          You were not born innately better than anyone on this planet.  You have no skills that put you above the fray.  People have been born who have possessed greater intelligence than you before and people more talented than you will be born in the future.  In fact, if you had never been born this world would have gone right along never skipping a beat.  These are harsh facts that may never have been mentioned to you before, so I totally understand if you are preparing quality stones for an old fashioned pummeling headed my way.  Right now you may be thinking, "who is she to tell me I'm not special? I know I'm special.  If you don't believe anyone is special then what is our purpose, why would anyone even bother?  If someone thinks they aren't special they won't see their life as meaningful, you are encouraging people to not see themselves as important!"  But before you unleash a tsunami of insults my way let me do my best to explain my point of view and why I refuse to believe the lie of the phrase 'you are special'.

          Before I get into the meat of this let me do my best to reassure you on one point.  While I do not believe anyone (including myself) is 'special' in any way I Do believe the following:  Each life is a miracle created by God on high, You are fearfully and wonderfully made, There is great purpose and meaning in your life, You are beloved by your creator and You have a Father in heaven who is always calling out to you and seeking for you to return His love for you.

          Whether you agree or disagree with my opinion on this, I stand firm in what I believe.  The phrase 'you are special' is very different than those I listed in the previous paragraph.  While the phrases in the previous paragraph carry a great depth of value inherent in your existence, that value hinges on the gifts and existence of God and how He has made you with value and love.  The phrase 'you are special' implies that you of yourself are somehow distinguished from others, superior to others, held in esteem by and above others and greater than the usual.  The simple fact is...you are none of those things.  All of your value all of your great worth as a living soul stems from the existence of the God who made your life possible.  It is not about you, it's all Him.

          So why does this matter?  Why am I splitting hairs over the phrases we use to instill in our children (and in ourselves) the comprehension of our great worth?  Simply put, I believe this is a hair that has caused an inflated sense of self in ourselves and in our society and will only cause more damage if left unsplit.  Consider for a moment the attitude of our culture as a whole.  How many times have you heard the phrases: "I deserve this", "You deserve....", "Take me or leave me mistakes and all", "Break the rules", "Above the rules", "Rules are made to be broken", "Don't judge me", "It's my life and I should be able to live it how I choose", "My body, my choice", "Don't tread on me", "It's my right..." (do you really need more examples?) in the last five years? Year? Month? Week?  These phrases have become a common theme in our society and all of them stem from the same root. The idea that I want what I want when I want it and I should get it if I want it because...I AM SPECIAL.  

          Humans are by nature narcissistic.  We are born believing the world revolves around us and should be at our beck and call.  And as a baby/young child survival requires someone willing to make us the center of the universe, which only strengthens our belief that this is how the world should work.  Consider how confusing the world must be for a child who is growing into adolescence.  Thus far in their existence they have been verbally and non verbally reassured that they are in fact special and deserving of being the center of the universe, then all at once they begin to be told that the world  does not revolve around their wants and needs.  On top of that shocking change in their environment they are bombarded by messages from other adults in their life as well as popular culture that tell them they 'deserve' certain things and should be able to 'make their own way' and 'find their purpose in life'.  Is it so shocking that they choose to ignore the minor chatter of people telling them they are not the center of their own universe?  Is it at all shocking that as adults we often believe the same?  

          I will openly admit that I often find myself buying into this lie of specialness.  It's a lovely little lie, comforting even.  It means that exceptions can be made for what I want without having to feel any guilt over how much my desires may vary from what is true or right.  It's okay this time, because I am special.  It's okay to make these mistakes because I am finding my purpose in life.  I am making my way in the world and finding my own peace, my own center and through that process I am becoming who I need to be to make the world a better place.  Is anyone else sick of all the I's in this paragraph?  Wake up Laura, you are making everything about YOU!!!  It's not about me, never was and never will be.  It's not about you either, never was and never will be.  It's all about God and if we ever see the world in a way that does not make HIM the center of the universe we have the wrong focus.  

          I am as special as every soul that ever was or ever will be created.  I am as special as every Christian who ever believed in the Son of God.  I am as special as every woman who ever has or ever will walk this earth.  There is nothing about me that makes me any more worthy, superior or distinguishable than any other person in all of time.  Which means that I am not in any way special.  However, because God gave me the breath of life I am a miracle.  Because God shows me His grace I am worthy.  Because God showed me mercy through His only begotten son I am redeemed.  Because God made me for His will and good pleasure I have great purpose.  Because Christ has called me His own I am loved beyond all understanding.

          I am not a child of the river gods.  I am a child of the one and only Living God and it is not my job nor my right to find my purpose in life.  It is my job to seek HIS purpose FOR my life.