This will sound odd (although perhaps not unexpected if you know me well) but I have no desire to live a normal life. You read that right...I have absolutely no desire to exist in normalcy. Average to me signifies not special enough to be noted. Take a moment and let that thought sink in.
Do you ever wonder...if the Bible was being written today would your life story be worthy of being written on the pages? Does the light of Christ or our Heavenly Father shine through you in such a way that it could be penned on the same pages next to the life of David or Solomon or Ruth? I know I ponder strange and often radical things from time to time, so perhaps I am alone in this wonderment. But there are moments when I pause and consider...is there anything epic in my life that can be a testament to those who come after me? I am confident that question will only be answered in full when I finally stand before my creator, to make account of my time on this earth.
Having this question floating about in my mind for quite some time I ultimately settled it with the tiny portion of control I do have over my story. I realized, If I were to be remembered how would it be done in full if I were not willing to put pen to paper myself. If indeed, your life is the novel you write, shouldn't I be writing something? That is when I began the journey of this blog. With the sole purpose of sharing with the world the deepest parts of my heart. The questions that seem to silly to actually verbalize, the lessons that are so difficult to learn and the blessings...the sweet blessings given so freely to me every day.
This my friends is it, collectively on these digital pages are housed the words that form the essence of who I am, the bible of my life. Calm down person in the back hyperventilating, I'm not saying that I am my own bible...don't take this so very literally. What I'm saying is, If anything worthy of giving spiritual inspiration to another person ever came from The Lord through me it is most likely housed here in the place where I pour the contents of my heart. Perhaps nothing beneficial is gained, and it's all poetry to me. I'm good with that too. But let's leave that discussion for now and move on to a fact.
The Almighty God who formed the heavens and the earth. The God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. The only king to whom my soul owes it's allegiance...He is a God of miracles. That's right folks, straight up scientifically impossible, no way to reasonably explain them miracles. Don't buy it? Read on my friend...
Last month my nieces and I planned to take a quick weekend trip to San Diego. It's close enough for us to make a weekend trip and, although money is as tight for us as for most I had a great desire to make the memories with 'my girls' while they are with me and I have the opportunity to. I have a dear friend who has dealt with significant health issues for years (multiple surgeries in a 5year span and Dr's have told her she has to adjust to only being able to do light walking for exercise because her knees just won't support her any more) and due to medical bills with a family of five money is tight for them as well. Since the hotel and gas were already paid for I asked if she and her daughter didn't want to tag along with us. There was some hesitation due to the extra expense of going and paying for food while there, but when we found out my bff would be joining us as well the decision was made to plan smart and spare expenses to make things work just to enjoy one anther's company. Little did I know at the time we were about to receive some amazing miracles.
Miracle #1
The day before we were set to leave I was praying about the expenses and planning to make sure things would be okay when I decided to check the amount of my paycheck due to come in. I sat in shock as I saw an additional amount of money coming in. My supervisor confirmed that it was a bonus check. I have been employed at my current location for nine years...this is the first ever bonus check I have received in that whole time. It came in exactly on the paycheck of this particular trip and it was enough to cover the entire trip including my friend and her daughter.
Miracle #2
On Sunday morning, our last day there, both of my nieces and my bff woke up early with me and drove to a small beach along the coast. We wanted to enjoy the sand and surf in the quiet of morning one last time before leaving. We walked along the beach for about twenty minutes or so, wandering into the waves to look for seashells then back onto the sand to look at rocks and enjoy the beauty of the shoreline. After realizing it was beginning to get late we turned and followed our tracks back to my car where I realized my wallet was missing from my jacket. My wallet contained the keys to the car, my debit card, all of my cash and my driver licence. Essentially everything needed to get us home or even back to the hotel.
I immediately felt my pulse rise as I attempted to fight back terror and the rapidly rising wave of questions crashing in my brain. Where could it be? Did someone already find it and steal it? Could it be by that one rock outcropping? Oh Dear God...what if it fell in the waves and was washed out to sea? What can I do? There's nothing I can do, I can't even get us back to the hotel without that wallet!! As we retraced our steps in and out of the waves my hope of finding the wallet seemed to be washing out with the tide. I tried to think about where I could even start if we didn't find the wallet. What was the first thing I needed to do and how could I remain calm to keep everyone else calm? I reached the turnaround point with no wallet in sight and felt my heart starting to crack into a million pieces. On the way back toward the parking lot I stopped looking entirely. My eyes drifted to the skyline as I prayed to my Heavenly Father. "Dear Lord, I believe that you knew where Jonah was inside that whale in the very midst of the sea. I know that you know where everything is on this earth you created. I believe you can bring this wallet back to me. I don't know what to do or where to start without it and I know you can figure it out, but I am asking now for a miracle from you. Please Lord, if the wallet fell into the water wash it back onto shore right in front of us; if it fell in the sand and someone picked it up help them to be an honest and caring person who will be able to get it back to us somehow; if you have to Lord I know you can even make it appear right now in the sand in front of me. However you choose to do it Lord. Please bring it back to me in tact."
I finished my prayer and focused on controlling my breathing and making a plan for what to do if I got back to the car without the wallet when I heard my bff's voice yell, "Laura I found it!" I looked up to find a woman walking toward us holding the wallet in her hand. She said she had found it and had been walking the beach looking for someone who looked like me because she knew whoever it belonged to would need it back. As I thanked her through my tears we each went our separate ways. As we turned my bff told me she wasn't even sure how she had seen the woman. She randomly looked up as the woman passed and even though she didn't have her contacts in and shouldn't have been able to see anything at that distance she immediately recognized the picture on my driver license and went over to the woman.
Miracle #3
When we returned to the hotel room I walked into the bedroom and knew immediately something was wrong with my friend. She was lying in bed with a look of pain painted across her face. I was worried the effort walking the beach the day before was too much for her knees or back and asked what was hurting. She informed me she had woken up feeling ill and could not get up without feeling like she was going to pass out or throw up. She was afraid she had contracted some type of stomach flu. It was our last day in San Diego and even if we skipped fun activities to head straight home it meant several hours riding up mountain roads with a sick stomach. She asked us to all pray with her that she would feel better. I specifically prayed that if this were a stomach bug she would be able to throw up and get everything out of her system and start feeling better. I will not go into the gory details but let me say this...our prayers were answered SPECIFICALLY and she was able to enjoy the last afternoon at the ocean and travel home without any bad effects at all.
Miracle #4
My dear friend who traveled with us has been going through a difficult physical struggle for several years. She has been told by doctors that it is time to adjust her lifestyle to account for the fact that she will never be able to do strenuous physical activity again. Here's the thing though, she firmly believes that she is the daughter of a God of miracles and she has put her trust in Him to help her through this process. She has a personal testimony of a promise that she will have a full recovery, and while it is a long and difficult process for her she has not given up hope in that promise and continues to push the limits imposed on her by the medical practice at large.
We had stopped at these huge sand dunes on the way home, to take a rest and allow the girls to run off some steam. It was exactly at sunset and the sky was glorious so I told my friend I wanted to climb up the first dune just to get some pictures and then I would come join her. (she has not been able to do any kind of hiking in five years) She said that was fine and she was planning on going as far as possible before she tired out then she would wait there. I climbed up the dune and paused half way to take a photo of how far she had gotten. When I reached the top I was shocked to turn and see she was about half way up the dune. I hollered down encouragement and she responded saying she was surprised she still felt good. When she was about 3/4 of the way up she looked up and yelled, "I'm doing it, I can't believe it." She started to cry with happiness and I tried not to cry as I responded, "I know, you are doing so well!" I went down and walked the rest of the way up with her. As we reached the peak she stood there for several moments reveling in the wonder of what had just been accomplished. The confirmation that the doctors don't have all of the answers, that she is not crazy to rely on her God who promised her a healing, that she was able to do the unthinkable because He gave her strength to do it. Such an amazing moment in time and I was able to bear witness to it...
To give you some element of perspective: imagine if you decided right now to run a marathon. 26+ miles right now without any training, now imagine you actually completed that marathon and successfully crossed the finish line running. That's what climbing that sand dune was like. Asking an averagely fit person to run 26+miles with no break and do so successfully.
One weekend...four miracles. Straight up, out of the blue, inexplicable miracles. It is not for me to make you believe, it is only for me to share with you what I know. I know that my life is blessed daily by the constant presence of my Lord and Savior. I know that I am given gifts beyond measure to help me along life's troubled way. And finally, I know without a doubt that if you stop and honestly ask Him to show you the truth of these words right now...He will do it. That is what I know, that is the legacy I want to leave with you. Amen.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
On Forgiveness and Joseph
*The following contains some detailed memories from my childhood and uses verbiage you may find difficult or uncomfortable. It is not meant to offend, merely to state facts as they stand. Be advised, thankfully none of these memories involve a family member. That being said...read on if you so choose.
My memory of the first incident is very patchy at best. I remember daylight filling my bedroom, I'm laying by the open doorway of the room staring out at the hallway, I can hear by brothers playing just around the corner and I want to call to them so very badly. I want to yell for help, but I don't want them to see...I can't let them see. The air is so heavy with his breath and the smell of sweat mixed with musk and Listerine. I feel like I can't breathe. I want to get up and run away, I want to yell for help but I know somehow that no one can ever see me this way. I can't let them know because even though I don't understand why I'm being held to the floor or what he is doing on top of me...I know it's ugly and wrong. I know that I feel dirty. I am between five and six years old.
The second incident is more clear and involved what I now know is called grooming behavior. I was nine years old and already seeking any affirmation that I was not ugly or dirty, but beautiful and special. It started as any grooming behavior would. With seemingly innocent hugs, light touching, telling me how precious I was. It ended with digital penetration and me blaming myself for allowing something horrible to happen to me again. That's what a skilled predator does you know...they prey on someone in such a way that when they make their getaway the victim truly believes it is their own fault. That somehow they...an innocent child...brought the pain and ugliness on themselves. That somehow they deserve what happened because they are by nature worthless and dirty. I believed that lie for another decade of my life before the truth blissfully freed me. And I have been recovering from the emotional wounds of that lie ever since being set free.
As I typed the two previous paragraphs I could feel my heart start to race and the well known terror build in my chest. So very many years later and still the very scent of that original Listerine mouthwash is enough to make me nauseous. I carry many wounds caused by the devastating invasion on my innocence that I have experienced..it would take an entire book to express them to you. But this post is not about my scars. Each of us has scars of some kind, mine are certainly not the greatest nor are they the least. They are simply mine. I am sharing these glimpses into my personal tragedies for the express purpose of setting the scene. I am writing this post on what I have learned about forgiveness. From one of my favorite men through time...Joseph of Egypt.
Joseph, as you may know, was taken captive by his own brothers who were bent on murdering him. One of his brothers at the last minute convinced the others to instead throw him into a giant pit then sell him as a slave to some passing traders. Joseph ended up in Egypt and through many years of prison and trials he remained faithful to his God and rose to the second highest position in all of Egypt. He was a man of visions and foretold of a great famine that would last for seven years. Being second only to the pharaoh himself and having the power of the pharaoh behind him, he put away stores of food sufficient enough to provide for the entire nation during the time of famine. Then, and here comes the good part, when the famine was at its worst and people in the surrounding countries were dying his brothers came to beg for food. They were hungry, had nowhere to turn and were completely subject to the very brother who they had sold into slavery so many decades before. Joseph had a choice. He could forgive his brothers and help them or he could send them off to die returning favor for favor.
This is what amazes me most about Joseph's story and the level of wisdom and love he must have had in his heart. Joseph didn't just forgive his brothers and help them out. He welcomed them in and told them, (this is not a direct quote) "I have nothing to forgive you for. What you meant to do to me for harm, God meant for blessings to me." Joseph recognized that his brothers in doing this awful thing were, unbeknownst to themselves, creating an opportunity for God to work miracles in Joseph's life and put him in the very place to be able to save a nation from starvation. He did not make any excuses for his brothers' actions or say they were okay in any way. He simply acknowledged that out of such a terrible and violent act toward him, God gave life and beauty and strength.
Periodically in the past 25 or so years I have considered the things that were done to me by these two men in my childhood. I have gone through the stages of denial (It's not like I was raped so it's not that big of a deal), anger (I want to rip their eyeballs out and shove them where the sun doesn't shine and make them physically incapable of harming another child ever.), despondency/depression (That took a miracle and counseling to work through) and then...forgiveness. I've been working on that one for quite some time. How can you forgive someone who has forever changed the very essence of who you are as an individual? How can you forgive someone for ripping your innocence away and replacing it with shame, hurt, self loathing and fear? How can you forgive someone when you legitimately don't remember their full names or even know how to track them down and face them as an adult who is fully aware that they are at fault and not you? I have grown quite accustomed to ignoring those questions. What is the point in stressing over them when I have no real answers? But every once in a great while I will have a flash of a memory or deal with a situation at work that reminds me...and I will realize I have not fully resolved this last part. This forgiveness thing.
Several months back I had a conversation with a dear friend and he told me I reminded him of Joseph of Egypt, living so very far from my immediate family as I do. I told him to please not compare me to such a great and Godly man since I see myself so very far from him in comparison. As I went for an evening run/hike at a nearby mountain the words seemed to replay in my mind and I began praying about them. Sometimes when I am alone I pray about what seem to be the most random things...but they lead down such awesome paths. Anyway, I was praying about what my friend had said and considering the life of Joseph, when all at once a thought broke through like a ray of light through storm clouds. "Joseph knew that what his brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. What if the terrible acts those men did to you were meant to you for evil, but God meant them for good in you?"
I stopped running and immediately began tearing up, I was so angry at that thought. No Way Man!!! That's stupid! What does that even mean?! That it's okay that someone hurt me like that?! That I should be THANKFUL I was victimized because what....it somehow made me a better person?! That is ridiculous and I refuse to even think of it! I did my best to push any line of thought out of my mind that would lead me down that particular memory lane. Then I paused in my run down the mountain. I stopped and I legitimately allowed myself to cry. That sobbing howling snot nosed cry of a broken heart. I spoke out loud and told God I didn't want to even consider the possibility because I didn't know what that meant for me.
I thought again of Joseph's story. Joseph, who had every reason in the world to truly hate his brothers. Joseph who chose to instead accept them and embrace them, not because he was okay with what they had done to him. But because he recognized that his God was greater than any evil they could ever do to him.
As I started my way back down the mountain again I began to consider the times in my life when I have been able to see another human being in pain. That silent hidden pain that I know so well because I have lived through it. The times when I have been able to hold out a hand in kindness because I could see a need that others might not be able to see. What was done to me will never be made right or okay. And I am confident when those souls who did such unspeakable things to a child stand before their creator He will have them answer for their actions. But I am thankful that I can be free from making that judgement. I am thankful that what they meant for evil can, if I so choose, be used for good in my life. To make me more gentle, more loving and more quick to see someone who is in need of protection or care. To make me constantly protective of the innocence and beauty in every child.
I used to look at the internal scars of what happened in my childhood as a deformity of some sort. What could I have been if they hadn't have hurt me? I do not see them that way anymore. It is not about what or who I could have been without those damaging experiences. It is about what I am and who I choose to be in spite of what I have been through. It's about recognizing forgiveness is not mine to give and knowing there is no harm that can befall me that my Heavenly Father cannot use for good in my life.
My memory of the first incident is very patchy at best. I remember daylight filling my bedroom, I'm laying by the open doorway of the room staring out at the hallway, I can hear by brothers playing just around the corner and I want to call to them so very badly. I want to yell for help, but I don't want them to see...I can't let them see. The air is so heavy with his breath and the smell of sweat mixed with musk and Listerine. I feel like I can't breathe. I want to get up and run away, I want to yell for help but I know somehow that no one can ever see me this way. I can't let them know because even though I don't understand why I'm being held to the floor or what he is doing on top of me...I know it's ugly and wrong. I know that I feel dirty. I am between five and six years old.
The second incident is more clear and involved what I now know is called grooming behavior. I was nine years old and already seeking any affirmation that I was not ugly or dirty, but beautiful and special. It started as any grooming behavior would. With seemingly innocent hugs, light touching, telling me how precious I was. It ended with digital penetration and me blaming myself for allowing something horrible to happen to me again. That's what a skilled predator does you know...they prey on someone in such a way that when they make their getaway the victim truly believes it is their own fault. That somehow they...an innocent child...brought the pain and ugliness on themselves. That somehow they deserve what happened because they are by nature worthless and dirty. I believed that lie for another decade of my life before the truth blissfully freed me. And I have been recovering from the emotional wounds of that lie ever since being set free.
As I typed the two previous paragraphs I could feel my heart start to race and the well known terror build in my chest. So very many years later and still the very scent of that original Listerine mouthwash is enough to make me nauseous. I carry many wounds caused by the devastating invasion on my innocence that I have experienced..it would take an entire book to express them to you. But this post is not about my scars. Each of us has scars of some kind, mine are certainly not the greatest nor are they the least. They are simply mine. I am sharing these glimpses into my personal tragedies for the express purpose of setting the scene. I am writing this post on what I have learned about forgiveness. From one of my favorite men through time...Joseph of Egypt.
Joseph, as you may know, was taken captive by his own brothers who were bent on murdering him. One of his brothers at the last minute convinced the others to instead throw him into a giant pit then sell him as a slave to some passing traders. Joseph ended up in Egypt and through many years of prison and trials he remained faithful to his God and rose to the second highest position in all of Egypt. He was a man of visions and foretold of a great famine that would last for seven years. Being second only to the pharaoh himself and having the power of the pharaoh behind him, he put away stores of food sufficient enough to provide for the entire nation during the time of famine. Then, and here comes the good part, when the famine was at its worst and people in the surrounding countries were dying his brothers came to beg for food. They were hungry, had nowhere to turn and were completely subject to the very brother who they had sold into slavery so many decades before. Joseph had a choice. He could forgive his brothers and help them or he could send them off to die returning favor for favor.
This is what amazes me most about Joseph's story and the level of wisdom and love he must have had in his heart. Joseph didn't just forgive his brothers and help them out. He welcomed them in and told them, (this is not a direct quote) "I have nothing to forgive you for. What you meant to do to me for harm, God meant for blessings to me." Joseph recognized that his brothers in doing this awful thing were, unbeknownst to themselves, creating an opportunity for God to work miracles in Joseph's life and put him in the very place to be able to save a nation from starvation. He did not make any excuses for his brothers' actions or say they were okay in any way. He simply acknowledged that out of such a terrible and violent act toward him, God gave life and beauty and strength.
Periodically in the past 25 or so years I have considered the things that were done to me by these two men in my childhood. I have gone through the stages of denial (It's not like I was raped so it's not that big of a deal), anger (I want to rip their eyeballs out and shove them where the sun doesn't shine and make them physically incapable of harming another child ever.), despondency/depression (That took a miracle and counseling to work through) and then...forgiveness. I've been working on that one for quite some time. How can you forgive someone who has forever changed the very essence of who you are as an individual? How can you forgive someone for ripping your innocence away and replacing it with shame, hurt, self loathing and fear? How can you forgive someone when you legitimately don't remember their full names or even know how to track them down and face them as an adult who is fully aware that they are at fault and not you? I have grown quite accustomed to ignoring those questions. What is the point in stressing over them when I have no real answers? But every once in a great while I will have a flash of a memory or deal with a situation at work that reminds me...and I will realize I have not fully resolved this last part. This forgiveness thing.
Several months back I had a conversation with a dear friend and he told me I reminded him of Joseph of Egypt, living so very far from my immediate family as I do. I told him to please not compare me to such a great and Godly man since I see myself so very far from him in comparison. As I went for an evening run/hike at a nearby mountain the words seemed to replay in my mind and I began praying about them. Sometimes when I am alone I pray about what seem to be the most random things...but they lead down such awesome paths. Anyway, I was praying about what my friend had said and considering the life of Joseph, when all at once a thought broke through like a ray of light through storm clouds. "Joseph knew that what his brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. What if the terrible acts those men did to you were meant to you for evil, but God meant them for good in you?"
I stopped running and immediately began tearing up, I was so angry at that thought. No Way Man!!! That's stupid! What does that even mean?! That it's okay that someone hurt me like that?! That I should be THANKFUL I was victimized because what....it somehow made me a better person?! That is ridiculous and I refuse to even think of it! I did my best to push any line of thought out of my mind that would lead me down that particular memory lane. Then I paused in my run down the mountain. I stopped and I legitimately allowed myself to cry. That sobbing howling snot nosed cry of a broken heart. I spoke out loud and told God I didn't want to even consider the possibility because I didn't know what that meant for me.
I thought again of Joseph's story. Joseph, who had every reason in the world to truly hate his brothers. Joseph who chose to instead accept them and embrace them, not because he was okay with what they had done to him. But because he recognized that his God was greater than any evil they could ever do to him.
As I started my way back down the mountain again I began to consider the times in my life when I have been able to see another human being in pain. That silent hidden pain that I know so well because I have lived through it. The times when I have been able to hold out a hand in kindness because I could see a need that others might not be able to see. What was done to me will never be made right or okay. And I am confident when those souls who did such unspeakable things to a child stand before their creator He will have them answer for their actions. But I am thankful that I can be free from making that judgement. I am thankful that what they meant for evil can, if I so choose, be used for good in my life. To make me more gentle, more loving and more quick to see someone who is in need of protection or care. To make me constantly protective of the innocence and beauty in every child.
I used to look at the internal scars of what happened in my childhood as a deformity of some sort. What could I have been if they hadn't have hurt me? I do not see them that way anymore. It is not about what or who I could have been without those damaging experiences. It is about what I am and who I choose to be in spite of what I have been through. It's about recognizing forgiveness is not mine to give and knowing there is no harm that can befall me that my Heavenly Father cannot use for good in my life.
Friday, April 18, 2014
My Thoughts on the Lunar Eclipse
Exodus 12:14....
It was very late in the night of Monday April 14th when I made my way with family and several friends up into a semi secluded overlook in the desert. Our goal was to have a prime spot to view the 'Blood Moon' a location where the city lights would not dim the natural splendor on display, and did we ever find the right spot. About a quarter mile off of the highway on the exit to the Four Peaks is a scenic overlook. When you look toward the east it is all the pristine silence and darkness of desert and mountains, but toward the west the lemony glow of the city warms and overruns the sky with signs of human life. We arrived just a bit before midnight and the moon stood center stage in the sky. The eclipse had begun about twenty minutes prior and about a third of its silvery glow was already covered in shadow.
As I stepped out of the vehicle into the cool night air I felt an overwhelming need to be away from people...away from the things of man. I love my family and friends and I loved sharing this event with them, but I had an ache to just be in silence with my creator and His creation. I moved down the road far enough away from everyone that I could no longer distinguish the sounds of their voices and they begin to blend like the chorus of so many crickets lifting their song on the breeze. I walked until I felt myself surrounded by nothing but earth and moonlight. I leaned myself against a wooden fence framing the edges of the road and gazed up at that great moon...thinking.
I am by nature a thinker, I contemplate and mull over things that most people would recognize as silly or not necessary. I am in a constant state of wonderment. How is .....made? Why does ......work? Who is in charge of .....? What if .....happens? Always questions and sometimes answers, my brain never stops asking. As the muscles and nerves in my neck began to cry out in pain from five, ten and twenty minutes of craning my eyes upward; my mind never once tired from asking its maker. What, if anything, does this mean? This amazing display playing out before my eyes...does it have a deeper significance? Are the 'blood moon prophecies' something I should be considering or worrying about? If not, is there something special and significant about this eclipse beyond the omnipotent hand that has made it visible to me? Slowly, slowly, like a room fading in and out of focus when you are suffering from a migraine, something of a glimmer took shape in my mind. Something I could feel, but not quite put words to. Something I knew I had to focus on if I wanted to grasp in even the slightest degree. 'There is something!', my heart cried out to my muddled mind, 'Focus!'.
I slowly meandered my way back to the group, smiling and responding to their light conversation...but still pondering. As the moon came into full eclipse I looked up again and decided I did not like this color at all. It wasn't really a 'blood' moon. It wasn't really even very red at all. If anything it was an 'Iron' moon, and not nearly as beautiful as the silvery glow I knew and loved. Why was it even given the name 'Blood Moon'? I sat myself down on a folding chair and stared out at the desert beyond me. The desert...what would it be like to be out there, walking in the desert? Trying to cross it without the convenience of a vehicle, with everything I owned in tow.
I thought of the Israelites wandering in lands, possibly much like the scenery before me. How did they accomplish such a task? Unimaginable. When I glanced back up at the moon everything shifted suddenly into focus. A Blood Moon....today is Passover. Passover, the day of memorial unto the Lord. I thought of all the families of Egypt on that first Passover. How traumatic it must have been. What kind of suffering did they go through because of the decisions of their leaders who would not allow the Israelites to leave? What must it have been like for an Israelite family? Huddled closely in their homes that night, did they hear the cries of grief from their friends and neighbors? What would it be like to know that such a great sacrifice of life had to be made, for your freedom to be assured? Sacrifice. No freedom ever comes without first paying its price through sacrifice.
I sat there in the darkness and unashamedly allowed the tears to roll uninhibited down my cheeks. I asked my God and Father to forgive me for the moments when I forget what sacrifices have gone before me. To help me to remember always that I am not exempt from the need to sacrifice in my life. Sacrifice is required from me, just as it was given for me.
Perhaps some need to attach a prophetic significance to the events of these four lunar eclipses. Perhaps it is a prophetic signaling of the end of things as we know them. I cannot say whether or not it is a prophetic sign and although I enjoy asking questions I'm not going to concern myself with that particular one. Instead I will tell you what I know in my heart. The wonder of creation is made and controlled by my loving Heavenly Father who wants me to enter into His rest when I reach the end of this life. He has set the Passover as a memorial to His household forever, to remember His saving power and the sacrifice required for salvation. His beautiful display of the lunar eclipse reminded me of those who have trusted in Him long before my time and followed Him faithfully and I want to be the same example for those who follow after me.
It was very late in the night of Monday April 14th when I made my way with family and several friends up into a semi secluded overlook in the desert. Our goal was to have a prime spot to view the 'Blood Moon' a location where the city lights would not dim the natural splendor on display, and did we ever find the right spot. About a quarter mile off of the highway on the exit to the Four Peaks is a scenic overlook. When you look toward the east it is all the pristine silence and darkness of desert and mountains, but toward the west the lemony glow of the city warms and overruns the sky with signs of human life. We arrived just a bit before midnight and the moon stood center stage in the sky. The eclipse had begun about twenty minutes prior and about a third of its silvery glow was already covered in shadow.
As I stepped out of the vehicle into the cool night air I felt an overwhelming need to be away from people...away from the things of man. I love my family and friends and I loved sharing this event with them, but I had an ache to just be in silence with my creator and His creation. I moved down the road far enough away from everyone that I could no longer distinguish the sounds of their voices and they begin to blend like the chorus of so many crickets lifting their song on the breeze. I walked until I felt myself surrounded by nothing but earth and moonlight. I leaned myself against a wooden fence framing the edges of the road and gazed up at that great moon...thinking.
I am by nature a thinker, I contemplate and mull over things that most people would recognize as silly or not necessary. I am in a constant state of wonderment. How is .....made? Why does ......work? Who is in charge of .....? What if .....happens? Always questions and sometimes answers, my brain never stops asking. As the muscles and nerves in my neck began to cry out in pain from five, ten and twenty minutes of craning my eyes upward; my mind never once tired from asking its maker. What, if anything, does this mean? This amazing display playing out before my eyes...does it have a deeper significance? Are the 'blood moon prophecies' something I should be considering or worrying about? If not, is there something special and significant about this eclipse beyond the omnipotent hand that has made it visible to me? Slowly, slowly, like a room fading in and out of focus when you are suffering from a migraine, something of a glimmer took shape in my mind. Something I could feel, but not quite put words to. Something I knew I had to focus on if I wanted to grasp in even the slightest degree. 'There is something!', my heart cried out to my muddled mind, 'Focus!'.
I slowly meandered my way back to the group, smiling and responding to their light conversation...but still pondering. As the moon came into full eclipse I looked up again and decided I did not like this color at all. It wasn't really a 'blood' moon. It wasn't really even very red at all. If anything it was an 'Iron' moon, and not nearly as beautiful as the silvery glow I knew and loved. Why was it even given the name 'Blood Moon'? I sat myself down on a folding chair and stared out at the desert beyond me. The desert...what would it be like to be out there, walking in the desert? Trying to cross it without the convenience of a vehicle, with everything I owned in tow.
I thought of the Israelites wandering in lands, possibly much like the scenery before me. How did they accomplish such a task? Unimaginable. When I glanced back up at the moon everything shifted suddenly into focus. A Blood Moon....today is Passover. Passover, the day of memorial unto the Lord. I thought of all the families of Egypt on that first Passover. How traumatic it must have been. What kind of suffering did they go through because of the decisions of their leaders who would not allow the Israelites to leave? What must it have been like for an Israelite family? Huddled closely in their homes that night, did they hear the cries of grief from their friends and neighbors? What would it be like to know that such a great sacrifice of life had to be made, for your freedom to be assured? Sacrifice. No freedom ever comes without first paying its price through sacrifice.
I sat there in the darkness and unashamedly allowed the tears to roll uninhibited down my cheeks. I asked my God and Father to forgive me for the moments when I forget what sacrifices have gone before me. To help me to remember always that I am not exempt from the need to sacrifice in my life. Sacrifice is required from me, just as it was given for me.
Perhaps some need to attach a prophetic significance to the events of these four lunar eclipses. Perhaps it is a prophetic signaling of the end of things as we know them. I cannot say whether or not it is a prophetic sign and although I enjoy asking questions I'm not going to concern myself with that particular one. Instead I will tell you what I know in my heart. The wonder of creation is made and controlled by my loving Heavenly Father who wants me to enter into His rest when I reach the end of this life. He has set the Passover as a memorial to His household forever, to remember His saving power and the sacrifice required for salvation. His beautiful display of the lunar eclipse reminded me of those who have trusted in Him long before my time and followed Him faithfully and I want to be the same example for those who follow after me.
Friday, February 14, 2014
On Having an 'Adventure'
As I child I remember many times when something happened that delayed us or threw us off the planned course for the day. Inevitably one of my brothers or I would complain about the day being ruined and my mother never failed to turn to us with a huge smile and say, "No, we are not lost (the day is not ruined, etc.) we are having an adventure!" At the time I clearly remember thinking she was not fooling anyone least of all me, but looking back I now realize those moments of 'adventure' hold some of my favorite memories of childhood.
Last night I got to experience an 'adventure' of my very own with only the memory of my mother's cheery outlook to keep me focused on the positive side of things. Before I go into the fun details I want to make clear that there are a lot of positives and actual blessings in this tale of woe. I recognize those blessings and will reiterate them at the end. So....let's just dive in shall we?
Thursday Evening 520pm
Due to seasonal illnesses that have attacked some of my co-workers my schedule has been adjusted and I am working later which means I'm leaving work just as traffic becomes the heaviest. It's been a long day and I'm not looking forward to the 1.5-2hr drive home that lies ahead of me. As I turn the corner from the side road onto the main road heading home I clip the curb with my back passenger tire. There is a certain sound associated with hitting a curb with your tire. I don't quite know how to explain it other than a hollow thunk mixed with the squeak of rubber against concrete. The sound I heard was all of that plus a strange cracking sound. I immediately knew there was something terribly wrong but held out a tiny hope that it would be okay. Crossing the street to a wide/semi-empty side road I heard the unquestionable sound of a very flat tire. I felt emotionally as deflated as I knew my tire was. This means a minimum of $250 out of my pocket as you cannot wisely purchase only one new tire.
Looking at each of my tires as I made a quick call to a local friend (before realizing I did indeed have a 'doughnut' in my trunk.) I felt my emotions sink even lower. As I pulled out the tiny tire from my trunk and set up the necessary tools I considered what needed to be done to get me home. It has been almost a year since I played the game of 'buy two tires and keep the best two on the car' to avoid the $450-$500 bill of four new tires. Two of these tires (including the one blown) have been needing replaced for well over a year and the two I bought last year are about 3-4 months overdue. I took a deep breath and set about to get the tire changed as I waited for a friendly officer to come and help me out. I hoped reinforcements would arrive before I got to the one part in the tire changing process that I always dread....setting the jack.
I like to consider myself mostly self sufficient. Obviously I'm nothing of a mechanic and cannot solve any in depth issues, but when it comes to something as simple as changing a tire I am far from helpless. That being said, I am terrified of placing the jack in the wrong spot and somehow further damaging my vehicle. Thankfully a couple of civil servants arrived and helped calm my fears on that end.
Thursday Evening 6pm
I located a tire shop only about five miles away from work. While I wasn't looking forward to the money about to come out of my bank account I was feeling relieved to be closer to going home. As I pulled around the corner of the building I saw the employees were busy working on cars in each bay and several people standing inside and outside of the office waiting for their vehicles. I was very confused then, when I attempted to open the front door and found it locked. Why would it be locked? They were clearly open...what was going on? I looked down at the hours listed on the door and realized it said closing was 6pm...of course it was now 6:15. The exasperation I was holding back threatened to explode into desperation as tears stung at the corners of my eyes about to spill over. "Stop it Laura?", I internally chided myself. "This is doable, you will find a solution and you will not break down crying like the helpless girl you are feeling like right now. If you have to sleep in your car at work, you will do so without breaking down and crying! Just breathe." Taking a deep breath I headed to one of the open garage bays and quietly asked the first person I saw, "Can you please direct me to a tire place that is still open? I live an hour from here and don't have the option of just waiting until tomorrow morning."
The manager looked at me for a moment and seemed to have an internal struggle with himself before answering me. I don't know if he could see how close I was to breaking down or if he just didn't want to lose an obvious customer but he brusquely said, "Give me a minute, we'll take care of you." He followed me to my car where he said, "All of your tires are really bad." I told him I was aware of that, but was hoping because of the cost of tires these days to only have to replace two right now. He picked out the two in the best shape but said they didn't really have any life left on them either. Then he paused and asked me to follow him inside the office. After a few minutes on the computer he looked up and said, "I can get you four new tires for $330." Knowing that was the best price I have had for four new tires in the past four years I begrudgingly told him to go ahead and replace all four.
Thursday Evening 640pm
Back on the road, but much poorer than when I started I merged onto the highway and realized my gas tank was firmly on empty. The next exit was the main road that heads from the freeway to my work and it had a gas station so I turned off, heading straight back towards work. At the first large intersection I saw police lights and sat in a huge backup for ten minutes waiting to get through. Finally passing through the intersection I saw two vehicles horribly mangled and parts scattered across half of the area. There is no doubt the passengers/drivers of the vehicles were on their way to the hospital if not worse.
Finally at the gas station I was chatting with my best friend Jessica (using my fancy bluetooth headset) while filling the tank. Before leaving I realized my hands and forearms were full of tire/road grime and headed inside to wash off. I entered the restroom and went straight to the sink where I began scrubbing while listening to a story Jessica was telling me. Suddenly my mind was confused by a strange voice speaking. "Are they cleaning the bathroom and I didn't notice the sign?", I thought to myself as I rinsed off the soap from my hands and got some paper towels. I clearly remembered checking the signs on the door before opening it and didn't remember any cleaning signs. I felt mildly bad for the employee who would clearly be embarrassed that I was in the restroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a stall door open and a tall man in his mid 70's step out. We stood there for a moment, our eyes meeting in the mirror, the look of complete confusion equal on both of our faces as the sound of Jessica speaking turned from individual words into a rhythmic rush of sound crashing against my ears. "Isn't this?", he started then stopped as he moved hesitatingly forward, "Aren't we? I thought this was...". He passed behind me heading for the door and I threw away the paper towels as I turned to follow him out. As I turned I saw the urinal hanging on the wall behind me, "Yep.", I thought to myself, "I'm totally in the men's restroom." We stepped out of the room and he paused to look at the plaque on the wall, "Yes, this is the men's room.", he said quietly then walked away without giving me a second glance. I barely made it into the WOMEN'S restroom before bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. I could hardly breathe and realized Jessica was still talking with me and I had no clue what she had even said. I rudely interrupted her and we both enjoyed a full minute or so of laughter at my expense.
Thursday Evening 7pm
As I'm about to pull out and head north to the closest freeway exit I remember the accident and realize traffic is still backed up. I decide to head south and take a giant square around to the freeway instead of waiting in the line of traffic. I drive past work and laugh at the irony that it's two hours and $360 later and I am no closer to home than when I began. I then realize that with an hour drive still ahead of me it will be too late to cook and eat dinner by the time I get home. I will have to go without dinner or stop at the one fast food restraunt that offers something that fits into my eating plan...Chick-fil-a. (I give them a shout out for offering me the option of grilled chicken and fresh fruit) There is one nearby....next to the tire shop I was just at. All I want is to be on the road heading home by now, but I figure my body does need some nutrition so I pass the freeway and turn into the drive through. Man they are busy....15minutes later I have food and am heading to the freeway yet again.
Thursday Evening 815pm
Just as I am passing the last intersection before home I get a message from my niece, "can you pick me up from school?" I pull over and give her a call. I am nearby I can be there in a few minutes, "You haven't been home yet?!" Nope....I've been having an adventure.
It was an ugly, nasty, expensive, embarrassing and super exhausting evening but that is not the entire story. I know that my life is so very blessed. Even in the middle of 'trials' I am encompassed by blessings. Here are just a few that I was given in only 3hrs last night:
PS. The restroom portion of the evening, I believe, was purely for entertainment value.
Last night I got to experience an 'adventure' of my very own with only the memory of my mother's cheery outlook to keep me focused on the positive side of things. Before I go into the fun details I want to make clear that there are a lot of positives and actual blessings in this tale of woe. I recognize those blessings and will reiterate them at the end. So....let's just dive in shall we?
Thursday Evening 520pm
Due to seasonal illnesses that have attacked some of my co-workers my schedule has been adjusted and I am working later which means I'm leaving work just as traffic becomes the heaviest. It's been a long day and I'm not looking forward to the 1.5-2hr drive home that lies ahead of me. As I turn the corner from the side road onto the main road heading home I clip the curb with my back passenger tire. There is a certain sound associated with hitting a curb with your tire. I don't quite know how to explain it other than a hollow thunk mixed with the squeak of rubber against concrete. The sound I heard was all of that plus a strange cracking sound. I immediately knew there was something terribly wrong but held out a tiny hope that it would be okay. Crossing the street to a wide/semi-empty side road I heard the unquestionable sound of a very flat tire. I felt emotionally as deflated as I knew my tire was. This means a minimum of $250 out of my pocket as you cannot wisely purchase only one new tire.
Looking at each of my tires as I made a quick call to a local friend (before realizing I did indeed have a 'doughnut' in my trunk.) I felt my emotions sink even lower. As I pulled out the tiny tire from my trunk and set up the necessary tools I considered what needed to be done to get me home. It has been almost a year since I played the game of 'buy two tires and keep the best two on the car' to avoid the $450-$500 bill of four new tires. Two of these tires (including the one blown) have been needing replaced for well over a year and the two I bought last year are about 3-4 months overdue. I took a deep breath and set about to get the tire changed as I waited for a friendly officer to come and help me out. I hoped reinforcements would arrive before I got to the one part in the tire changing process that I always dread....setting the jack.
I like to consider myself mostly self sufficient. Obviously I'm nothing of a mechanic and cannot solve any in depth issues, but when it comes to something as simple as changing a tire I am far from helpless. That being said, I am terrified of placing the jack in the wrong spot and somehow further damaging my vehicle. Thankfully a couple of civil servants arrived and helped calm my fears on that end.
Thursday Evening 6pm
I located a tire shop only about five miles away from work. While I wasn't looking forward to the money about to come out of my bank account I was feeling relieved to be closer to going home. As I pulled around the corner of the building I saw the employees were busy working on cars in each bay and several people standing inside and outside of the office waiting for their vehicles. I was very confused then, when I attempted to open the front door and found it locked. Why would it be locked? They were clearly open...what was going on? I looked down at the hours listed on the door and realized it said closing was 6pm...of course it was now 6:15. The exasperation I was holding back threatened to explode into desperation as tears stung at the corners of my eyes about to spill over. "Stop it Laura?", I internally chided myself. "This is doable, you will find a solution and you will not break down crying like the helpless girl you are feeling like right now. If you have to sleep in your car at work, you will do so without breaking down and crying! Just breathe." Taking a deep breath I headed to one of the open garage bays and quietly asked the first person I saw, "Can you please direct me to a tire place that is still open? I live an hour from here and don't have the option of just waiting until tomorrow morning."
The manager looked at me for a moment and seemed to have an internal struggle with himself before answering me. I don't know if he could see how close I was to breaking down or if he just didn't want to lose an obvious customer but he brusquely said, "Give me a minute, we'll take care of you." He followed me to my car where he said, "All of your tires are really bad." I told him I was aware of that, but was hoping because of the cost of tires these days to only have to replace two right now. He picked out the two in the best shape but said they didn't really have any life left on them either. Then he paused and asked me to follow him inside the office. After a few minutes on the computer he looked up and said, "I can get you four new tires for $330." Knowing that was the best price I have had for four new tires in the past four years I begrudgingly told him to go ahead and replace all four.
Thursday Evening 640pm
Back on the road, but much poorer than when I started I merged onto the highway and realized my gas tank was firmly on empty. The next exit was the main road that heads from the freeway to my work and it had a gas station so I turned off, heading straight back towards work. At the first large intersection I saw police lights and sat in a huge backup for ten minutes waiting to get through. Finally passing through the intersection I saw two vehicles horribly mangled and parts scattered across half of the area. There is no doubt the passengers/drivers of the vehicles were on their way to the hospital if not worse.
Finally at the gas station I was chatting with my best friend Jessica (using my fancy bluetooth headset) while filling the tank. Before leaving I realized my hands and forearms were full of tire/road grime and headed inside to wash off. I entered the restroom and went straight to the sink where I began scrubbing while listening to a story Jessica was telling me. Suddenly my mind was confused by a strange voice speaking. "Are they cleaning the bathroom and I didn't notice the sign?", I thought to myself as I rinsed off the soap from my hands and got some paper towels. I clearly remembered checking the signs on the door before opening it and didn't remember any cleaning signs. I felt mildly bad for the employee who would clearly be embarrassed that I was in the restroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a stall door open and a tall man in his mid 70's step out. We stood there for a moment, our eyes meeting in the mirror, the look of complete confusion equal on both of our faces as the sound of Jessica speaking turned from individual words into a rhythmic rush of sound crashing against my ears. "Isn't this?", he started then stopped as he moved hesitatingly forward, "Aren't we? I thought this was...". He passed behind me heading for the door and I threw away the paper towels as I turned to follow him out. As I turned I saw the urinal hanging on the wall behind me, "Yep.", I thought to myself, "I'm totally in the men's restroom." We stepped out of the room and he paused to look at the plaque on the wall, "Yes, this is the men's room.", he said quietly then walked away without giving me a second glance. I barely made it into the WOMEN'S restroom before bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. I could hardly breathe and realized Jessica was still talking with me and I had no clue what she had even said. I rudely interrupted her and we both enjoyed a full minute or so of laughter at my expense.
Thursday Evening 7pm
As I'm about to pull out and head north to the closest freeway exit I remember the accident and realize traffic is still backed up. I decide to head south and take a giant square around to the freeway instead of waiting in the line of traffic. I drive past work and laugh at the irony that it's two hours and $360 later and I am no closer to home than when I began. I then realize that with an hour drive still ahead of me it will be too late to cook and eat dinner by the time I get home. I will have to go without dinner or stop at the one fast food restraunt that offers something that fits into my eating plan...Chick-fil-a. (I give them a shout out for offering me the option of grilled chicken and fresh fruit) There is one nearby....next to the tire shop I was just at. All I want is to be on the road heading home by now, but I figure my body does need some nutrition so I pass the freeway and turn into the drive through. Man they are busy....15minutes later I have food and am heading to the freeway yet again.
Thursday Evening 815pm
Just as I am passing the last intersection before home I get a message from my niece, "can you pick me up from school?" I pull over and give her a call. I am nearby I can be there in a few minutes, "You haven't been home yet?!" Nope....I've been having an adventure.
It was an ugly, nasty, expensive, embarrassing and super exhausting evening but that is not the entire story. I know that my life is so very blessed. Even in the middle of 'trials' I am encompassed by blessings. Here are just a few that I was given in only 3hrs last night:
- Instead of blowing out on the freeway when I was driving at high rates of speed and could cause a terrible accident, this tire that ideally should have been replaced 12 months ago blew out when I was driving less than 5mph turning a corner and right where there were friends to come and help me through the process of changing the tire.
- When I could have been stranded overnight because I didn't make it to the tire shop before closing, a kind hearted person chose to put themselves out to help me.
- The cost of four new tires was significantly lower than I expected and lower than I have seen in several years.
- I actually have money that I can use to pay for the very necessary tires.
PS. The restroom portion of the evening, I believe, was purely for entertainment value.
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