This is a moment of confession. If you don't wish to see that I am made of flaws then you should go back to whatever you were doing before opening this page. (unless it was illegal or immoral, in that case please just keep reading) However, if you are brave enough to love me flaws and all and would like to learn from my failures please continue reading.
For the past seven years (seven already?!) I have made my home in Phoenix, Arizona. I love living here and have met many dear friends who have been a great source of strength and growth in that time. I would not go back and change my decision to move. That being said, seven years ago I left Missouri and my dear family and friends who are a huge part of who I am, and while I don't necessarily miss Missouri, I do miss my loved ones terribly. So, I do my best to get back when I can and for as long as I can.
Anyone who has moved away from 'home' knows that you cannot successfully visit and spend enough time with everyone you want to. Your time is spent a flurry of running from visit to visit trying to squeeze as much love into each moment you have. Invariably you hop on the plane or into your car (why is it on a plane, but in a car?) happy with yourself that you have succeeded in spending time with everyone most important to you only to be hit with the realization of the one, two or ten people you failed to see. So you make a plan for 'next time' to ensure those individuals get their proper amount of attention. (after all relationships, as anything else that grows, need time put into them or they wither and disappear)
In the past year and a half or so I have traveled back to Missouri about four times, and a couple of those trips have been for a good week or so which gave me time to reconnect with loved ones whom I had missed in previous trips. It has been lovely. My Aunt and Uncle (they are home to me in MO) live about 40min out of the city which was perfect because driving into town and back allowed me time to reminisce about days gone by. For the last few trips as I drove past a particular exit in Blue Springs I felt a tug on my heart pulling me northward and I would ignore it. "I have to be ..... in 15minutes to meet ..... I don't have time." If I had followed that little tug, that whisper in my heart, it would have led me on a pretty winding road northward into a lovely subdivision and to the door of my dear friend Janice Welch.
A contemporary and friend of my mother, Janice seemed to always have been a part of my life. When I moved to Missouri at the age of 15 her kids were around my same age and I became friends with them through our church youth group. I was always in awe of Janice. She was always a smiling presence in church, but I feared she did not like me at all.
You see, when I was about 12 I had misjudged packing church clothes for a reunion and ran out of things to wear. Not wanting to wear dirty clothes I wore shorts to church and she gently reminded me shorts were not the appropriate choice for church. She was not rude or mean or harsh about it at all, but I was a very shy and diminutive thing (hard to believe, but it's true) who assumed everyone disliked me in some way. So, in my unreasonable 12 year old mind Janice would always see me as 'that girl who wore shorts to church'. I never once thought to explain that it was done out of need and not disrespect. Silly 12 year old girl. So from that day forward I assumed I would never be worthy in her eyes. And to me she was the pinnacle of what a lady should look like and say and do, a pinnacle that I would never get close to achieving.
Thanks to the grace of God that all changed when I was about 16. I had been diligently seeking what in my heart needed to change in regards to my relationships with others and I knew this seed of doubt needed to be put to rest where Janice was concerned. I felt convicted in my heart that I needed to just sit down with her and talk over how I felt. I was terrified. What if I had been right and I would always be 'that girl' to her? Regardless of my fears, I realized it was not fair to her for me to assume she did not like me. If I was not willing to give her the benefit of assuming her love then I was not worthy of her love. So, one Sunday afternoon I pulled her aside. She was floored. She had not even remembered the incident from four years before and had no idea I had any reservations of her love. That day Janice and I formed a bond which I am so thankful for. A bond which helped show me the strength of love, the importance of communication with those you love and the beauty that comes in a relationship with another human being when you are willing to be terrifyingly open with them.
As I traveled the highway to my given destinations last year I remembered all the joy and love I shared with Janice and her dear family in their home. The nights playing games, barbequing, singing together or watching movies. The laughter and joy flooded back to me each time I felt that strange pull, the quiet whisper 'just go stop by and see if they are home'. Each time I would tell myself no, "I'm sure they are busy," I would think, "They have their own lives to live, they are probably busy or tired and I don't have their phone number to call first. I can't just show up, that's rude and they probably aren't even home." And while I drove on my heart kept calling me back, "just go, you know you want to go.".
I wish I could tell you I listened. I wish I could say I made that attempt. That I stopped by out of the blue, ignoring social norms just because I wanted the chance to see Gary and Janice and hug them and tell them what they mean to me. What a blessing God gave me in having their influence in my life. Because you see, Janice has been battling cancer, and this past Monday evening the Lord healed her by calling her home to Him. So I cannot plan to give her time on my next visit. I cannot hug her one last time and make sure she knows how precious her influence was to me. All that time my heart knew and pulled at me to go, but because of a fear of seeming foolish or socially inappropriate I ignored my opportunities.
I am not writing this because I want you to have sympathy for me. Don't waste your emotions on being 'sorry'. I know that Janice now knows all things and knows how much I loved her. She did not lose out on that knowledge, I missed out on the opportunity to share it with her. Take this as a warning lesson. Love is not about social norms or appropriateness. And love comes in all forms, not just the romantic kind. So think about who you love in your life and what they mean to you. Have you gone out of your way to tell them? Do you feel that quiet pull in your heart to say or do something that may seem foolish or out of the ordinary? DO IT, SAY IT!!! Don't fail in showing the love for someone that is in your heart.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
On The Women Who Made This Woman
"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." -Titus 2:3-5-
Yesterday I went rock climbing with my Colorado family. If you have had the opportunity to meet them you know without my saying how awesome an adventure we had together. I will not go into the details of our fun as that is not the point of this post. The point is how my interaction with my Meah got me to thinking of all the women in my life who have helped to shape the woman I am today and what a great debt I owe to them for fulfilling their responsibilities of being a Godly example.
I will start by saying that I battle with a fear of heights, it's enough to slow my adventurous spirit but it's mild enough it can be ignored when I am faced with the proper motivation to push through. I was belaying Meah on one of the lower level climbing walls and right as she got to the point where I personally had felt terror trying to overtake my body she said she was done and ready to come down. I complied and helped her to the ground and within a couple minutes she wanted to go up again. I looked her in the eye and said, "I will belay you only if you push through your fear and go all the way to the top." She assured me she would and got about halfway up the wall when she said she was yet again ready to come down. "Come on Meah you've got this, I was scared right there too, just focus on where you are going to move next and you will make it." Slowly she climbed her way to the top as I talked with her giving her pointers on good foot/hand holds. When she tapped the top of the wall I couldn't help but let her know what a superstar she was. By the end of the two hours she was climbing up several different walls and having a blast and even going out of her way to encourage me up one wall. Toward the end of our climbing time she looked at me and with all of her 9yr old sweetness said, "Thank you for helping me climb and calling me a superstar. It really helped and made me feel safe."
I have been contemplating our exchange throughout my morning scripture read and was brought to remembrance of all the wonderful women who were, and still are, an example shaping and molding me into a better woman. Essentially I just want to give a shout out to you all. Some of you will know what you have meant to me already, but sadly some of you I may never have told and it is only right you should know your example has been seen and followed and become an intricate part of who I am.
So...to my mother who has ever been an example of giving 100% of herself in love, to my Aunt Bonnie who has been to me a second mother, to my grandmother who showed me the beauty of loving without using words, to my Aunt Eva Lyn who made me believe I can accomplish anything I decide to do, to my Aunt Leah who taught me hope is just as necessary and strong as faith, to my Aunt Bethany who taught me the importance of enjoying every minute you have with those you love, to my Aunt Lisa who taught me that sometimes a little bit of crazy is a good thing, to grandma Case who taught me that quiet is not the same as boring and everyone can benefit from a ladylike quiet, to Uncle Donnie's Bonnie who taught me you can be goofy and still be a lady, to Lana Hill who taught me the beauty of being a faithful wife and mother, to Aunt Linda who taught me the importance of love and patience in a marriage, to Aunt Paula who taught me that faithful doesn't mean pushy, to Debbi Vogel who taught me what it is to put others first always, to Manon Lawrence who taught me that praising the Lord is a personal thing and not to think of what other's opinions are of my gift to God, to Janice Welch who taught me what it is to forgive and make amends with those you love, to Wanda Jo Eddy who taught me the strength in being humble, to Carrie Gier who taught me that a happy attitude will change your outlook on things for the better, to Chris Moser who taught me the ability of a mother's heart to love all who come her way, to Debby Brown who taught me the importance of having an open home and heart, to Kathy Ely who taught me what it is to love without losing hope, to Betty McIndoo who taught me what it is to love your children and family....Thank You. More than I can say, thank you.
You should know this is not a comprehensive list, and I hope it is one that will keep growing for as long as I am alive. That I will ever be learning and growing from the example of the women I know and love. I hope and pray that I will live worthy of the women who's examples have touched my life, and someday my Meah will be able to look back and say that I was a Godly example and source of strength in hers.
Yesterday I went rock climbing with my Colorado family. If you have had the opportunity to meet them you know without my saying how awesome an adventure we had together. I will not go into the details of our fun as that is not the point of this post. The point is how my interaction with my Meah got me to thinking of all the women in my life who have helped to shape the woman I am today and what a great debt I owe to them for fulfilling their responsibilities of being a Godly example.
I will start by saying that I battle with a fear of heights, it's enough to slow my adventurous spirit but it's mild enough it can be ignored when I am faced with the proper motivation to push through. I was belaying Meah on one of the lower level climbing walls and right as she got to the point where I personally had felt terror trying to overtake my body she said she was done and ready to come down. I complied and helped her to the ground and within a couple minutes she wanted to go up again. I looked her in the eye and said, "I will belay you only if you push through your fear and go all the way to the top." She assured me she would and got about halfway up the wall when she said she was yet again ready to come down. "Come on Meah you've got this, I was scared right there too, just focus on where you are going to move next and you will make it." Slowly she climbed her way to the top as I talked with her giving her pointers on good foot/hand holds. When she tapped the top of the wall I couldn't help but let her know what a superstar she was. By the end of the two hours she was climbing up several different walls and having a blast and even going out of her way to encourage me up one wall. Toward the end of our climbing time she looked at me and with all of her 9yr old sweetness said, "Thank you for helping me climb and calling me a superstar. It really helped and made me feel safe."
I have been contemplating our exchange throughout my morning scripture read and was brought to remembrance of all the wonderful women who were, and still are, an example shaping and molding me into a better woman. Essentially I just want to give a shout out to you all. Some of you will know what you have meant to me already, but sadly some of you I may never have told and it is only right you should know your example has been seen and followed and become an intricate part of who I am.
So...to my mother who has ever been an example of giving 100% of herself in love, to my Aunt Bonnie who has been to me a second mother, to my grandmother who showed me the beauty of loving without using words, to my Aunt Eva Lyn who made me believe I can accomplish anything I decide to do, to my Aunt Leah who taught me hope is just as necessary and strong as faith, to my Aunt Bethany who taught me the importance of enjoying every minute you have with those you love, to my Aunt Lisa who taught me that sometimes a little bit of crazy is a good thing, to grandma Case who taught me that quiet is not the same as boring and everyone can benefit from a ladylike quiet, to Uncle Donnie's Bonnie who taught me you can be goofy and still be a lady, to Lana Hill who taught me the beauty of being a faithful wife and mother, to Aunt Linda who taught me the importance of love and patience in a marriage, to Aunt Paula who taught me that faithful doesn't mean pushy, to Debbi Vogel who taught me what it is to put others first always, to Manon Lawrence who taught me that praising the Lord is a personal thing and not to think of what other's opinions are of my gift to God, to Janice Welch who taught me what it is to forgive and make amends with those you love, to Wanda Jo Eddy who taught me the strength in being humble, to Carrie Gier who taught me that a happy attitude will change your outlook on things for the better, to Chris Moser who taught me the ability of a mother's heart to love all who come her way, to Debby Brown who taught me the importance of having an open home and heart, to Kathy Ely who taught me what it is to love without losing hope, to Betty McIndoo who taught me what it is to love your children and family....Thank You. More than I can say, thank you.
You should know this is not a comprehensive list, and I hope it is one that will keep growing for as long as I am alive. That I will ever be learning and growing from the example of the women I know and love. I hope and pray that I will live worthy of the women who's examples have touched my life, and someday my Meah will be able to look back and say that I was a Godly example and source of strength in hers.
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