This last Thursday I was in the store with my Allie Bear (age 5) shopping for her brother's birthday present. As we were checking out Allison looked up at me with her serious face and said, "Laura do you love me and buy me presents sometimes because you don't have a little girl of your own to love?". I immediately fought the urge to curl on the floor and cry and to smack her sweet little mouth for asking the one question I had never thought to consider. Instead, knowing she was needing reassurance of my love for her I smiled and said, "No sweetie, I just love you because you are you." Inside my heart was breaking into small pieces as I asked myself, was she right? Was I just loving her out of my desire to love my own child? Do I do that with all the children I love so much? Are they just placeholders in my heart filling voids that may never otherwise be filled?
It is not an easy question to ask oneself. The vast majority of people quickly fall into relationships that, while sadly do not always become lifelong, typically result in the creation of a child to love and raise. For those of us who's life stories do not follow the norm it is easier to ignore the question of fulfillment than to stare it in the face. I may be, for the most part, content to live without a mate but to live my life never having a child to raise....that seems an unnecessarily unfair twist of fate. And yet, for the time being it is my reality.
Growing up my mother always told me life is not fair and it is not my job to 'sift the ifs' in life. So, I accept what is right now and chose to find joy in loving those around me instead of thinking of what could be or what might have been. But those five year old brown eyes keep staring at me wondering just why I care for her so much, and that reason can only be given through telling you the story of my Allie Bear.
The first time I looked into those brown eyes I was holding a small and premature little newborn. Her mother (my sister from another mister) had gone through a rough pregnancy and birth in which the safety of her and Allison were both in question. But there she was in my arms wailing like nobody's business and Amy (rather exhausted but safe) was lying in the hospital bed next to my chair. As Amy talked with the others in the room I looked into Allison's eyes while she screamed at me and I said, "You don't know me right now sweetie but I am your Laura and someday you and I are going to be best friends, you'll see." I looked at the fuzzy dark brown hair on her perfect head, chest and arms and I thought of a little bear cub. I told her, "I will call you Allie Bear"
Several months after Allie was born Amy became quite ill. The doctor's didn't know what was going on and several specialists all came up with no reason for her condition. She displayed symptoms similar to Lymphoma and was nearly completely bedridden. We were of course all worried and scrambling to help out her, her husband and their three children. Her husband ran out of sick time at work and since my weekend coincided perfectly with his work week I became a semi permanent fixture in their lives. Allison was still quite little and her two brothers were both under 6. Most days I would come by in the early afternoon before Amy's husband left for work and would be there till he got home late at night. I will not lie, it was terrifying. How do you give complete care to three children while still stressing their mother's involvement in their lives and day to day decisions? I prayed constantly for the wisdom and strength to be what they needed without taking anything away from their mother's rightful place. I would like to think and do hope that the Lord answered those prayers. Amy, thankfully recovered and my involvement in their day to day lives healthily diminished, but I believe I will always have a special place in my heart for those dear children because of it.
During the dark months (those months when we did not know what was wrong or if Amy would be okay) I had my first battle of wills with Allison. I was holding Allie and getting ready to start supper when all at once she grabbed my glasses off my face. I put them back on and she quickly grabbed for them a second time. I stopped her and held her hand in mine saying, "Allison don't touch my glasses. If you grab them again I will smack your hand." I then let go of her hand which she pulled back toward her body. She then scrunched up her face looking at me, away, then back at me with a furrowed brow. I said, "No Allison, don't do it." at that same moment she flung her hand forward ripping my glasses from my face and throwing them on the floor. For a second I was stunned. Did I seriously just watch a child under a year old openly defy me?! Then I did what I had to do and said, "Allison I told you no. Now I have to smack your hand." I then gave her hand what was possibly the lightest smack in all of history, but she wailed like a banshee. She has not openly defied me since.
What do all of these meandering thoughts have to do with her question to me? The way I see it is this: God gave us this amazing ability to love. The limit to how much or little we love in life is determined by ourselves. The more we chose to love the greater our capacity to love becomes.
So Allie Bear (as well as any of the kiddos I love and claim), if you ever want the complete answer to your question it is this. I love you because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and have been placed in my life as a gift from Him. I don't love you because I am without a little girl of my own to love. I love you because through loving you I will be ready to love her even more when I meet her. I love you because loving you makes me an even better mom for her someday. I love you because one day when you give your little girl a speech about how life isn't always fair, the tiniest little piece of my mother will be talking to her through you. And that thought is pretty amazing.
